Page 34 of Bursting With Love
He tried to push past the guilt, but it was too late. His body ached from it.
“You must really miss her.”
Savannah’s voice held so much compassion that he was drawn to it despite the guilt. There was something about Savannah that sliced through the guilt and pulled him through to the light on the other side. If only I could hold on to that light instead of slipping back into the darkness.
“I do.” But it’s the guilt that eats away at me. As much as he wanted to tell her that Linda died because of him, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t ever want to see the disappointment in her eyes.
“Well, I’m sure your family understands that. Have you tried to talk to them?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I realized today that I hadn’t. They tried, but I couldn’t hear their offers of help. I was too angry. Too guilty.” Jack released her hand and crossed his arms, rubbing the scar on his arm again. “Savannah, I told you before that I’m not the right guy for you, and the more I think about it, I’m not sure I’m the right guy for anyone.”
“Why do you keep saying that? Lots of people lose loved ones and go on to have other relationships.”
He heard the hurt in her voice, and the knot in his gut tightened. He didn’t want to hurt her, and seeing the pain in her trusting eyes was killing him.
“I’m not like them. I’ve got too much shit in my head, and every time I look at you, I want something more. I want to have a normal life again. I want to be able to walk down the street without feeling like I wish I could hide, but…” He couldn’t bear for her to know the truth, and when anger forced different words from his mouth to hide the truth, he was incapable of stopping them. “Look, I’m not like you. I don’t even live in my house. I hide in the mountains most of the time. The idea of being in the city with all those eyes on me makes my skin crawl.”
“So…what are you saying?” Savannah took a step backward, as if his words burned.
The words he’d said settled in his mind, and he realized that they hadn’t been hiding the truth at all. They were the truth. He had to deal with his own shit before he could fall any harder for Savannah—or let her fall any harder for him. “This can’t work, okay? It sounds like you have a really close family. You’re a high-powered attorney, and I’m an ex–Special Forces guy turned recluse. I’m not sure I’ll ever get past all the bullshit in my head to be able to move on. No matter how much I want to.”
Savannah narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. Jack pictured her doing that in a courtroom.
“How do you flip your emotions like that? Are you totally psycho, or is this a ploy?” She stepped closer, so they were only inches apart.
Jack looked away.
“Look at me, Jack. You owe me that.”
He looked down at her with his jaw clenched so tight he thought his teeth might crack. He wanted to kiss her and wipe away the hurtful words he’d said and forget the truth he’d only just realized. I hide in the mountains. I’m not sure I’ll ever get past all the bullshit in my head to be able to move on. No matter how much I want to.
“I might not know much about what you’re going through, but I know honesty, Jack. I deal with it every day with my clients and the people who sue them. I can smell bullshit a mile away. This doesn’t wreak of bullshit, but I don’t think it’s the whole story, either.”
“I’m not one of your clients, Savannah.”
“No, you’re not, but you’re the man I just fucked. Twice. The man I let touch me in ways I’ve never allowed before, and that’s a hell of a lot more than a client.” Her chest rose and fell with each angry breath.
“Is that all it was? A quick fuck?” He clenched his fists, wishing he knew how to deal with all this shit. “I didn’t force you to do anything.” He groaned. “Damn it, Savannah. Can’t you see how conflicted I am? Can’t you feel it?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “That’s the reason I’m not walking away. I’m conflicted too, Jack. I’m not sure if you’re crazy, or if you’re the person I think—or hope—I see beneath all the anger.”
He felt his nostrils flare and his face heat with anger at being so damned confused. Why couldn’t she just listen to him and heed his warnings? She was so good. He didn’t deserve her.
“Do you want to know why I came here?” she asked.
He nodded once, a curt, angry nod.
“Because for the past two years, I’ve been dating this asshole who cheated on me. Many times over.” She laughed, but Jack recognized the pain in her eyes. “I didn’t even like him, Jack, but for some damn reason, I kept going back for more. I might be an ice queen in the legal realm, but with him? With him I was this weak, stupid girl.” She swiped angrily at a tear as it dripped down her cheek and reached the corner of her mouth. “Then…then I come here trying to rebuild my confidence and prove to myself that I really can be strong Savannah once again and that I won’t fall back into the enabler role like I was with him.”
