Jess gave a half-hearted smile. ‘I thought I was managing. I wanted to wait until I really needed it. But my oncologist isn’t giving me a choice now. She says I have to start treatment. The cough I can handle, but that feeling of not being able to breathe was terrifying. I don’t want to go through that again if I can help it.’
‘Good. If you can get your pain under control you’ll feel better.’ Kitty tried to focus on the practicalities, on what could actually be done, rather than the things that were out of their control. It wasn’t easy. She topped up Jess’s water glass before asking the question she really wanted answered. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I was going to,’ Jess admitted, ‘just not yet. I was trying to protect you and Cam.’
Kitty frowned. ‘Cam said you only found out a few weeks ago. How could you protect him if you found out together?’
‘The secondaries were only confirmed three weeks ago but I’d been feeling off for a while before that.’
‘And you didn’t mention anything? Not even to Cam?’
Jess shook her head. ‘You’d just had the implantation. I didn’t want to stress anyone out, especially not you, with my concerns. I didn’t want to risk anything going wrong. And I was worried that Cam might change his mind.’
‘What—about the surrogacy?’
Jess nodded.
‘Oh, Jess,’ Kitty said as she clasped her sister’s hand, ‘I’m sure he wouldn’t have. He adores you, he’d do anything for you. So would I.’ Kitty wished, not for the first time, that she had someone in her life who adored her like Cam adored his wife.
Maybe she would still find that someone.
She didn’t doubt that Joe loved her but only in the same way he always had. He’d not given her any indication that they were anything more than friends with benefits. It would never amount to anything more between them—not when Joe had no intention of committing to anyone. That was still what Kitty was aiming for, it had been what she’d always wanted, but until she was one hundred per cent sure that commitment was absolute, she wasn’t going to give her heart away. She wanted to be loved, but it had to be for ever. And Joe didn’t do for ever.
‘I know,’ Jess replied, ‘but I thought the ethics committee and the doctors might not approve the surrogacy process if they suspected my health was deteriorating. And I was worried that if Cam thought I wasn’t well enough he might change his mind, too. He may have wanted to focus on getting me better instead of on the pregnancy. But I’m not going to get better, so—’
‘But you didn’t know that at the time!’ Kitty protested, interrupting her. ‘Maybe if you’d done something earlier?’
‘I could only handle one thing at a time, and having a baby was all I could think about. I want Cam to have something of me when I’m gone. I’m not feeling optimistic about this, and I had a feeling, a sixth sense, that things weren’t good. The pregnancy gave me something to hold onto, something to look forward to.’
Kitty was crying now. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. She was hearing what Jess was telling her. She was going to lose her, too.
‘Do you think I’m being selfish?’ Jess asked.
‘No. I would have done the same thing.’ By offering to be their surrogate Kitty had done the exact same thing. Kitty understood all too well Jess’s thought process. Family was important to both of them. Jess was only trying to give Cam a family of his own.
‘You don’t think having a baby will stop Cam from being able to find happiness later on?’ Jess asked, leaving the rest of the sentence unspoken. Kitty didn’t need to hear the words, when I’m gone. ‘I am doing the right thing, aren’t I?’
‘Yes.’ Kitty didn’t want to make this any harder for Jess by burdening her with guilt. ‘Is there anything I can do for you?’
‘I don’t like to ask, but do you think you could come home now? Just until the baby is born. I don’t want to drag you away from Joe and I’ll understand if you say no, but I feel like I’m missing out on the pregnancy and it’s only a few more weeks. I don’t want to miss another moment. I don’t know how many more moments I’m going to get. But I’m planning to be around when my baby is born. I want to hold him, or her, in my arms.’
Kitty nodded. ‘Of course, I’ll come back,’ she replied without hesitation. She would do anything for Jess, even if it meant giving up Joe for now. ‘And it’s a “her”.’
‘What?’