Page 79 of Julien (Confessions 2)

He shut his eyes, and as he thought of the loss Julien lived with daily, he fully opened his heart to the man asleep in his lap.

“‘I will be homesick for you, even in heaven,’” Robbie said, quoting from the book Julien had clutched to his chest.

He wasn’t sure why, but Robbie remembered that from when his ma had read it to his sisters, and as he stared into the silent room, he felt as though he really understood Jacquelyn then and why she was so adamant about staying behind—because who wouldn’t miss Julien, even when they were in heaven?

Chapter Twenty-One

CONFESSION

Even at my worst, you love me.

But can he?

PRIEST WALKED DOWN the hallway that led to the library and wondered what he would find when he stepped inside. After receiving Robbie’s text saying he’d found Julien, Priest had decided to give the two of them a moment to connect, to see if Julien would open up to Robbie. So he’d moved their bags into one of the guest rooms and taken his time heading to the library.

When he came up to the door, Priest hesitated for a moment before he slowly pushed it open, and nothing could’ve prepared him for what he saw next or how his heart would react.

Across the room, by the window, Robbie sat on the floor with his back against the bookshelves. His legs were stretched out in front of him, and on the ground, curled up with his head on Robbie’s lap, was Julien. There was a close-to-empty bottle of Grey Goose beside them, and Robbie was gently running his fingers through Julien’s hair.

Priest slowly nudged the door open to not wake his husband, and the movement must’ve caught Robbie’s attention, because he angled his head in Priest’s direction.

There was no smile, no greeting, just a forlorn expression that immediately gave Priest a snapshot of what had taken place while he’d been searching the rest of the house. Robbie looked exhausted. He also looked devastated. But as he stared into Priest’s eyes, it was clear that he now understood.

Priest stepped inside the room and walked to the wingback recliner in the corner opposite them. The curtain was open enough that it cast a dim light across the room as he reached the chair and took a seat, and the entire time, Robbie kept his eyes fastened on him.

Somewhere during this trip—or maybe it had been back in Chicago—Robbie had gotten under Priest’s skin, and seemed determined to get inside his heart. He was compassionate, intelligent, and understanding, and Priest wondered if Robbie knew just how much both he and Julien were coming to care for him.

“You’re so good with him,” Priest said in a hushed tone, finally breaking the silence.

Robbie glanced down at the fingers he was running through Julien’s hair. “It’s not hard. He’s easy to lo—”

Robbie bit off his words, but Priest knew what he was going to say. “To love?”

Robbie raised guilty eyes to Priest. He looked conflicted by his response, worried that he was about to be told to get out and leave. But that was the last thing Priest was feeling, and it was time Robbie understood that.

“I agree with you. He is easy to love,” Priest said, as he looked over the man they were discussing, and then raised his eyes back to Robbie’s. “He told you about Jacquelyn?”

“He did.” Robbie bit his lip as he smoothed his hand down Julien’s arm. “The heartache he lives with…it’s too much for one person. I don’t know how he does it.”

“Neither do I. A broken heart of gold, that’s what our Julien has.”

Robbie’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, and then he whispered, “Our Julien. I like that.”

Priest kept his eyes fastened on Robbie and said, “He is ours. You know that, don’t you?”

Robbie looked almost shy at those words as he nodded. “Yes. Can I be honest?”

“Always.”

“I always dreamed he’d be mine. Ever since I saw him on TV. But now? Now I know he feels the same. He trusts me.”

“He does. I can see it whenever the two of you are together. He needs you. Your warmth, your sweetness—”

“And your strength,” Robbie interrupted, and when Priest didn’t immediately respond, he added, “You’re his rock. Julien worships the ground you walk on.”

“I know. As I do him.” Priest paused, and then heard himself say, “I just don’t know that I can give him what he needs right now.”

The room fell silent as his words lingered in the air, and Priest couldn’t believe they’d just come out of his mouth. But ever since Jimmy had resurfaced, Priest had felt off his game. Unstable. Distracted. And he hated not feeling as in control as he usually did.

“Joel?”

Priest refocused, and the frown marring Robbie’s usually smooth forehead was at direct odds with the soft expression in his eyes.

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