Page 26 of Psycho
When he took August’s offerings and walked into his small, tidy kitchen, August followed. When he realized August was behind him, he threw a puzzled look over his shoulder. August couldn’t help but move closer, trapping Lucas against the counter, nuzzling his face into his neck.
“Hi,” Lucas said, sounding both amused and slightly breathless.
August continued to cling to him. “Hi.”
“Whatcha doin’?” Lucas asked.
“I just needed to touch you.” It abruptly occurred to August that maybe Lucas didn’t like being touched without warning. “Is…this okay?”
Lucas leaned back against him slightly. “Yeah, it’s nice. But I thought you were into…submission. I didn’t think you’d make the first move. Unless breaking into my apartment was the first move?”
August understood the confusion. He let his lips trail along the sensitive skin at the back of Lucas’s neck, liking the shiver that ran along his skin. “There’s power in submitting. But that’s not why I do it.”
“Why do you do it?” He sounded genuinely curious.
August pressed his forehead to Lucas’s shoulder. “There’s no way to explain it without sounding like a monster.”
“I already know you’re a monster,” Lucas reasoned. “What do you have to lose?”
You.“Submission keeps whoever I’m with…safe. Because I don’t trust myself.”
“You don’t trust yourself how?”
August took a deep breath, certain he was about to end this relationship before it started, but like Lucas said, he already knew August was a monster. He blew out a breath and just told him the truth. “I love hurting people. I know it’s not the right thing to say. My father has told me a thousand times. But I’m good at it. I like making bad men suffer. I don’t like their screaming or crying—it gives me a migraine—but I like knowing they died in pain. Because of me.”
Lucas’s back was rising and falling rapidly now. “What does that have to do with sex?”
“If I let myself go there, if I truly decided to let myself go, I think I would hurt somebody…somebody like you, and I’d like it so much I couldn’t stop. When I’m there…in that headspace, it consumes me. If I was to hear you cry out, whimper, moan, I might lose myself, take it too far. It’s better if I’m…contained.”
Lucas turned in August’s arms. “Do you truly think you could hurt me? Do you really think your bloodlust is so strong that you’d lose yourself with me?”
August searched Lucas’s face for any hint of disgust, surprised when he didn’t find it. “Bloodlust? No. Losing myself with you? I already have.”
Lucas cupped August’s face like he’d done the night before. “I think you underestimate yourself.”
August shook his head. “But, if you’re wrong, the cost could be your life. I can’t feel guilt or remorse, but the thought of not seeing your face or touching you, kissing you, makes me feel…like there’s a hole in my chest. Does that make sense?”
“Yes. But then why would you think that you’d ever snap like that with me? Is it because you think I’m weak? Fragile? Timid? Is my victimhood an attractor for you?” There was a sort of contempt there under his words, not for August but himself.
He leaned forward and brushed their lips together in a kiss that lingered. “The rabbit in you attracts the wolf in me. I can’t help that. It’s instinctive. Sometimes, you smell…vulnerable. Nobody ever lets themselves be vulnerable around me. Some part of their id recognizes the predator in me. People keep their guard up around me instinctively. But not you. When I look at you, I don’twantto hurt you. I want to protect you, keep you safe.”
Lucas wrapped his arms around August’s neck, kissing him like he couldn’t stop himself. “You answered your own question. You want to protect me, not hurt me. But, the truth is, I can protect myself. I know everything you’ve seen of me undermines that statement, but it’s true. I had to go through training just like any other agent. I’m just…going through a rough patch.”
August crushed Lucas against him, holding him tight, tighter than he’d ever held anybody. “I know you can protect yourself. But I don’t want you to. I want to be that person. Your person. My brother and his boyfriend…neither of them are weak. Adam is every bit the psychopath I am, and Noah is…not, but he’s no saint either. They work because they trust each other, they have each other’s backs, flaws and all. Nobody has ever accepted all my deficiencies, and there are many.”
“Is this your usual first date talk?” Lucas finally said.
“I’ve never been on a date before,” August confessed.
Lucas smiled. “I sort of figured. I’ve never had a guy give me cheese as a gift before.”
August shrugged. “I probably should have told the lady this was a date and not just dinner. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“Maybe you should just trust your own instincts with something other than murder?”
August scoffed. “That’s a terrible idea. I probably would have brought you a ceremonial knife from Peru or something.”
“You have a ceremonial knife from Peru?” Lucas asked, perking up.
