Page 23 of Screwed
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I question.
“Nothing,” he whispers.
I silently lay there thinking about what he said and I feel tears building behind my eyes. I will not cry, I will not let him know he’s getting to me. I need to get pissed with his secretive ways.
“Shawn, why won’t you let me in, even just a little,” I nervously ask.
He lightly runs his hand up and down my arm, as he holds me tighter. “Jana, you don’t want in, believe me.”
“I should be the judge of that,” I say, sighing.
He’s so confusing. His words say one thing, but his actions show another. I don’t know if I should keep pushing or if I should just shut the hell up at this point.
“Jana, don’t,” he says, before kissing my head again. “Just go to sleep.”
I don’t say anything else, but I sure as hell don’t fall asleep. I listen to his heart beating, and wonder what the fuck happened to him to make him this way. I’ve been cheated on, I’ve had my heart broken, but I don’t have a wall built around me that no one can ever break down. His wall is made of bricks, reinforced with steel, and I want to fucking break through it.
**
I wake up and reach over feeling the cold spot where Shawn should be. Opening my eyes, I sit up and look around. He’s gone.
Sighing, I climb out of bed and go back to mine, so I can get dressed. Once I’m in my jeans and my favorite gray shirt that hangs off one shoulder, I go out to the kitchen to get some much needed coffee.
“Morning,” Shawn says, handing me a cup of coffee.
Raising one brow, I give him a small grin. “Thank you. I didn’t expect to see you this morning.”
He lightly laughs as he sips his coffee. “Where else would I be?”
“Honestly, how would I know. The only thing I know about you is how you like things in bed. I have no idea who you are or what happens when you walk out the door,” I say, sitting down on the stool next to him. A bit proud of myself for saying exactly what I was thinking.
Reaching over, he pushes two fingers under my chin, turning my head toward him. “Jana, you said you understood this. The only thing you need to know about me is what I like sexually,” he says, his blue eyes bouncing between mine.
“You confuse me, Shawn,” I whisper, dropping my eyes.
Letting go of my chin, he stands up. “Finish up your coffee, we’re going out today.” He strides out of the kitchen, not even glancing back.
I guess we’re going out.
Two hours later, he drives and I have no idea where we’re going. The only thing he said after walking out of the kitchen, was asking if I was ready. So, I’m sitting here wondering, just like I do with everything that comes to him.
“Shawn, where are we going?” I finally ask.
“You are confused and I’m going to help with that,” he replies, not bothering to look at me.
Rolling my eyes, I look out the side window. I watch the trees pass by in a blur, thinking that is how I feel when it comes to Shawn. Beautiful and strong when he actually sees me, but normally I’m just a passing blur.
It seems to take forever, but he eventually puts on the blinker and I look in front of us. A cemetery. Why the hell are we going to a cemetery. I stare at him, but his focus is straightforward. I reach my hand over and rest it on his leg, giving it a gentle squeeze. He glances at me for a moment, before focusing back on the tight roads that wrap around the entire small cemetery.
A few short turns and he pulls over, turning off the car. Twisting in his seat he gives me a forced grin. “This is where I go when I’m not at work. When I’m confused, or need someone to talk to, this is where I come. I’m not hiding, and I sure as fuck don’t run away. You said last night that one day I’ll need someone to talk to, but I won’t Jana, because anything I have to say, I do it here.” He pushes open his door and motions with his head. “Come on.”
My shaky hand, opens the car door and I get out, meeting him in front of the car. He begins to walk and I quickly catch up, reaching down and taking ahold of his hand. He links his fingers with mine, as we walk among all the headstones. It’s a beautiful cemetery, bright flowers, a beautiful green lawn and all the headstones stand proud with names artfully carved in them.
Suddenly, he stops walking and I almost crash into him. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze, before letting go. I look at the grave and tears immediately fill my eyes as I read, Meredith Tate, loving mother.
I hold onto his arm, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “Shawn, I had no idea. I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
He clears his throat and nods. “Thanks.”
