Page 37 of Damaged
Chapter Sixteen
Eva
PET scan, MRI, CT scans, biopsy...I’ve been here before. I’ve lived through this once.
The white walls, the itchy blanket and hard pillow. The IV, the blood work, the monitors. It’s almost like I never left. Like I’ve been stuck in this bed and everything else these last few months has just been an amazing dream.
When we were at the hotel after the wedding, after a night that I will hold onto for the rest of whatever is left of my life, I took a shower. I took a shower and found a lump in my armpit. The world crashed around me as I sank to the bottom of the tub, letting the water pound on me. I couldn’t stop the tears as they mixed with the water rushing down my face. I knew what was coming, I knew what to expect this time. It made it so much worse.
I knew when I called my oncologist that she would send me to the hospital for all these tests. I also know that once it shows the cancer is back that I am in for surgeries, recovery, chemo, radiation. I don’t feel sick, just like last time, but in a few days I’ll be wanting to die. The pain will be unbearable and once the treatments start I won’t be able to move without throwing up. I won’t be able to eat, sleep, or walk. I’ll spend my time on the floor of the bathroom asking why me.
When I found out I had breast cancer, I went in fighting. I had a double mastectomy, even though it was only in one breast. I wasn’t taking any chances. I fought with everything I had in me to recover from that surgery. Recovering from having your breasts taken is as much physical as it is emotional. Even though I had implants and nipple sparing, it’s not like having your own breasts. Which became painfully obvious when I was with Brett. When he was touching my breasts and sucking on my nipples and I couldn’t feel it...it was too much to handle.
Brett. Closing my eyes against my tears, I think back to that night of the wedding. The night he asked me not to run while he made love to me and that’s just what I did. I let him in and I allowed him to let me in and now...now I’m going to be another tattooed reminder.
I beat this once, but the chances of beating it twice aren’t good. I’d rather he hold onto the memory of me that night, the night I gave my heart to him. I don’t want him to see me sick. I don’t want anyone to see me this way. I’ve been enough of a burden on my family, I don’t want to do it again. Not with them and definitely not with Brett. I don’t want them to spend their lives taking care of me. Not when the fight isn’t in me this time. I know what’s coming and I don’t think I can do it again.
“Hi Eva. I’m here to take some blood,” the nurse says, walking in smiling.
I can’t even force one at this point, I just stick out my arm. It’ll be bruised by tomorrow with as much as they are sticking me. “I have a good vein here,” I say turning my head away.
She ties the rubber band tight as hell and starts poking with her finger. “Oh, you sure do. Not your first time, huh?” she asks with a friendly bedside manner.
“No it’s not,” I reply, with as much enthusiasm as, well, as a girl who is lying in a hospital bed.
I feel the pinch of the needle and close my eyes. I can’t do this. I keep my eyes shut tight trying to stop the tears from spilling.
“That’s it. Hopefully I won’t need to bother you again for a while,” she says. I don’t reply or turn my head. I wait until I hear her leave and let the tears falls.
I just started living. I just started to love. Now I’m going to lose it all. The tears fall faster and I try to turn on my side but it pulls on the IV sticking in my hand.
The ringing of the phone scares me and I grab it quickly. “Hello?”
“Miss Chapman, we have a very irate man here needing to talk to you,” the woman says.
Fuck. It’s Brett. He knows.
