Page 97 of Sugar
“Sounds like a lot of men,” Layla grumbles.
Olivia looks at her. “Kind of reminds me of Jason.”
The energy in the room shifts, and I’m not exactly sure why. But then Layla says quietly, “I don’t think he was a base-level dick. But Idothink he was lost and took it out on the people around him.” She looks at me and helpfully clarifies, “Jason was my ex. Who I was with before Wells.”
“Ah.” I nod. “Wells’s best friend.”
“Yeah. I think Jason could have become what you’re describing, the way Tobias is, if he wasn’t careful. But the way I knew him . . . I don’t know, he was so young, you know? And there was so much pressure on him to succeed from literally everyone around him besides me and Wells. I like to think thathe could have been a good man, that somewhere deep down he wanted to be.”
“Makes sense,” Olivia says. “The way this town treats football players is . . . weird.” She laughs.
I snort. “I dated a handful in high school. Every one of them was so full of themselves . . . well, except Kasey. He was the only one who actually gave a shit about me. I guess it was sort of my MO to date assholes.”
Olivia smiles. “Sometimes dating an asshole works out, but I don’t think it’s an ideal strategy.”
Layla throws a popcorn kernel at her, giggling.
I shrug. “They’re fun. There’s a thrill to it, you know.”
“Oh,Iknow.” Olivia smiles.
“Sounds like Kasey had nice guy syndrome. Is that why things didn’t work out?”
“Nice guy syndrome?”
“Yeah, you know—when you get the ick from a guy because he’s too safe?—”
“There wasnothingsafe about Kasey.”
Silence wraps around us as confusion paints Layla’s face. “But you said he actually cared.”
“Yeah, but . . . For me, that was themostscary.”
“Not gonna lie, girlfriend,” Olivia says. “I don’t get it.”
I laugh, stretching out on her couch. “I guess . . . well, my mom left when I was young, and my dad wasn’t the easiest parent. I always felt very alone as a kid, but I also learned how to be okay on my own. How to control the chaos around me, you know?” Both girls nod. I swallow. “And then Kasey justshowed upand changed everything. He made me feel like my feet weren’t on the ground anymore, like I could fly if I wanted to. He was so confident . . . He looked at the sun like it was his to wrangle, and I found myselfneedingto be his sun. It knocked me off-balance. I didn’t know what to do with it or how to trustit. People in my life kept leaving me behind, so I learned how to leave first to keep myself safe. But with Kasey . . . I tried to shove all my fears away, but they just kept clawing back. There was nothing safe about Kasey because of the wayIfelt about him. And then he proposed, and all the fears I’d been trying to hold at bay just came crashing down on me. I couldn’t handle it, so I left.”
“What were you scared of?” Layla asks. “If he proposed, if he wanted to marry you, you weren’t going to lose him, right? So what was there to be scared of?”
I frown. “My mom left,” I say simply. “She thought she wanted her life to look one way, and then it turned out she didn’t actually want that anymore, so she left. And she hurt people when she did.”
Understanding sinks in. Layla’s eyes soften. “You didn’t want to become her.”
I take a deep breath. “The way she hurt me . . . I don’t want to do that to anyone else. And I was scared that I’d eventually do it to Kasey.”
“What about now?” Layla asks. “I know getting married to him wasn’t about love, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that you guysarein love. Are you still scared of hurting him?”
“Oh, god, yes,” I admit. “Terrified. And it doesn’t help that I have deranged exes showing up or that . . .” I look down at my stomach. “Or that I still have plenty of baggage. Maeve knows—that I’m pregnant.”
“Fuck, that woman is truly plugged in. How does she do it?”
I laugh, and it comes out watery. “She assumes it’s Kasey’s baby, which doesn’t exactly help my worry about all the doom and gloom I’m bringing him.”
Layla turns to look at me head-on, right in the eye. “Ava—and trust me that I say this as lovingly as possible—I don’t think you know anything, girl!”
My brows sink over my eyes. “Um . . . what?”
“You said you wanted to be Kasey’s sun?” Here gaze lifts to the ceiling. “Youare. Don’t you see it? He literally looks at you like you are the entire world wrapped in one lady body. You could bring that man all the doom and gloom you have and he’d still be on his knees for you. Stop stressing so much about hurting him. You’re just . . . all you’re doing is hurting yourself.”
