Page 55 of Sugar
He clears his throat. “What does this mean for me? For us?”
“It doesn’t mean anything.” I walk into the kitchen until he’s a mere foot away, reaching a hand out and pressing it to his chest. His heart is galloping, and I imagine he’s thinking of all the ways I’m trying to take advantage of him and his family.
I desperately need him to understand I was never trying to trap him, that I don’t expect him to bear any responsibility for my mistakes. “I know I’ve been keeping this truth from you, but I’ve been trying to figure out how to justify it alongside asking for this marriage. This babyisn’tyour responsibility,” I promise. “I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure it doesn’t disrupt your life. I’m prepared to do this all on my own.”
“What about Tobias?”
I exhale slowly. “He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be involved. He has no interest in being a father, trust me.”
“What ifIwant it to mean something?” he asks. There’s a softness to his expression, a spark of hope that draws me nearer as the question sends me into a freefall. “What if I want to take responsibility?”
“Kasey,” I breathe out. “You don’t mean that.”
He presses a tentative palm to my cheek, and I lean into the warmth of it. “You shouldn’t have to raise a baby alone, Ava. You’ll need support. You’re going to need help with things. What about a crib? I mean, christ—what about labor?”
“I’ll manage just fine on my own,” I assure him. “I’ve been reading books and making lists. I’ve got enough money saved that I can take a decent break from work when she’s born?—”
“She?” he asks, eyes widening and dropping once more to my stomach. His free hand reaches for my waist, gently gripping and pulling me closer.
Emotion stings my eyes and claws at my throat. “I mean, I don’t know for sure yet. I won’t know the gender for another few weeks. I still need to find a new doctor here and make an appointment, but I just have this feeling.” I smile. “In my dreams, she’s always a girl.”
Our bodies are flush now, and it’s . . . dizzying. Intoxicating and unexpected. And against my better judgement, I keep finding new ways to lean deeper into him. Kasey’s so warm andsteady, and he’s always felt like home. Still, even after all this time. “Ava,” he whispers, his breath fanning along my cheek. Emotion glistens his eyes as his mouth tips up in a lopsided, happy grin. “You’re having ababy. I’m not going to let you face this alone.” His thumb swipes tenderly against my jaw. He’s careful, every movement slow and tentative, like he doesn’t want to scare me away.
Tell me, do you worry she might leave again?
“It’s too much,” I quietly protest, as a lone tear slips down my cheek. “I can’t keep letting you fix my mistakes, Kasey, I’ve already put you through so much?—”
“Ava,” he says gently. “Everything we’ve been through . . . we both contributed to it,allof it. The good and the bad. God, we were so young. We’ve both made mistakes, both took things for granted—it was never just you. I . . . I thought—” He swallows. “I thought we were ready to spend our lives together, but really, I was just so desperate to keep you. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I shouldn’t have proposed.”
My heart pounds as I feel the weight of what he might be about to say, what he might be trying to ask me for. What I already know I don’t have to give. “Kasey?—”
“Please just let me finish,” he pleads. “I felt it, in Pastor Brown’s office. The things you were saying—it felt real, Ava. And I’ve been trying to keep my distance from you, but the truth is I have to fight my feelings every step of the way because when you’re near me, it all just goes to shit. Even when we were kids, I used to try to fight the way I felt about you, but it never worked. It never fucking works, and . . . I don’t know, maybe . . . maybe we can try this again.”
His eyes are bright with so much hope that I have to look away. Despair ratchets through me, twisting through my insides until everything clamps into uncomfortable knots. All the oldfears and anxiety I used to wear like a second skin press into me all over again, smothering me like tar.
Kasey was always so good at communicating his feelings. It’s something I’ve envied, but I don’t know how to tell him how I feel when I don’t evenunderstandmy own feelings. I don’t know how to articulate all the ways his love and support drive me deeper into my own self-loathing, because I don’t know how to give him back what he gives so freely, so easily.
I make myself look at him before I say the words that burn like acid all the way up my throat. “I think you misunderstood,” I explain. “I don’t—I don’t know if us being together was ever a good idea.”
Hurt darts across his eyes, and I know my words have landed with precision. The hands that cradle me so lovingly drop to his sides as he takes a firm step back. “Liar,” he whispers.
“Kasey, please.”
“No, Ava. Ten years later and you’restilldoing it.”
My sorrow gives way to frustration as my blood heats. “Doingwhat?”
“Acting like this isn’t what we’ve both always known it is!” he barks. “Acting like my feelings for you are one-sided. Like the way I feel about you isn’t more than some school-age crush.”
“I amnoteighteen years old anymore, Kasey,” I snap. “I’m not the same girl I used to be, regardless of what you may think. We had something real when we were kids, but it was young and naive. We’re older now, and I know myself better. I’ve lived through so much beyond what we had—this baby is proof.”
He scowls, his face twisted in bitter resentment. I watch as he walks to the small kitchen table and drops into a chair, looking downright miserable.
I hate myself for hurting him all over again.
“Ever since I came back you’ve been making your opinions about me loud and clear: you don’t like my shoes, my clothes,or how I take my damn coffee. You want to strip me of all the things that make me different from who I was when I left so I can get back to being the girl who wasyours. But I’m not her, Kasey. I can’t be her—not anymore. Not when I have to focus on beingthis,” I say, holding my palm against my stomach. “I have to behers.” A quiet sob bubbles up and out of me as tears stream down my face.
Kasey studies me for a long time. Eventually, he asks, “Why did you leave, Ava?”
