Page 66 of In My Blood
“Just breathe. No talking. Catch your breath. You’re safe. I’m here and I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
I nodded, wanting him to know I truly did believe that, then I forced myself to take some slower, calmer breaths, constantly berating myself internally for being so ridiculous. All I had done was write some names down. My reaction was pathetic.
“Can I come and sit beside you? Maybe give you a bit of a hug?” Dio asked as I started to calm down. I nodded, and sighed in relief when he sat in the seat beside me again, pulling me sideways so I could lay my head against his broad shoulder. He wrapped his arm around my waist and just held me against his side, and I relaxed even more there with him.
“Sorry. Just bad memories,” I whispered to him when I felt better able to speak.
“You do realise I now need to go and kill everyone on that list, don’t you?”
“Not Rick. He was the only one who was e-ever nice to me. He wouldn’t…he didn’t hurt me. The others…they’re probably all dead already anyway,” I told him with a sigh. “The way they lived, the shit they were mixed up in, and the drugs and booze they consumed can’t have made for a long life.” Dio huffed loudly, but he didn’t comment again about the list, which I was relieved about. Instead he pulled the plate of food closer.
“Try and eat,Piccola, please. Just let me feel like I’m doing something to be of any use to you,” he sighed.
“You came with Rafe to save me, Dio. Of course you’re helping me,” I reminded him.
“Not a good example. We fucked that up royally and you got hurt again. Then we brought you home, and today you were attacked by armed men and forced to defend yourself. I’m fucking useless to you.”
“You’re not, so stop that crap, okay? Being here with you I feel safe. Feeling you hold me the way you are makes me feel less alone, and I need that because I’ve been so alone, Dio…f-for a really long time. I didn’t have anyone to hold me when I got upset, or to tell me to breathe when I started to panic. I didn’t have anyone to just casually take my hand and show that they were there for me. I didn’t have any of this, and now I do, so please don’t say you’re not of use to me, okay? I need you. I need all of you if I’m going to find the strength I need to settle into this new, crazy, dangerous life. I need these moments to remind me what I have to keep fighting for,” I sniffled as I leaned even more heavily against him.
“Carr…”
“I know, that sounded weird, didn’t it?” I sniffled again. “You haven’t even known me for over a decade, and here I am begging you for affection. It’s not even the weirdest part. I was the same with Arran and Callan too and I barely know them at all, but I just…I just need the contact right now. It’s keeping me going. I…”
“Cara, stop, baby,” Dio cut me off. “It’s not weird and I don’t want to hear that crap again from you. Like you just told me, you’ve been alone, surviving through hell, for years. It makes sense that you just want to be held right now, and I want to hold you, because I have missed you so fucking much. Being able to touch you, and hold you reminds me that it’s all real, that we finally got you back. And as for Arran and Callan, they’ll takeevery hug they can get. They’re both the affectionate type, so no more of that talk, understood? If you need us all to be close and to hold you as often as we can, then you can have that. Rafe will be delighted too, because I know he’s been holding himself back from showing you the affection he wanted to shower you with.”
“I just don’t want to look weak,” I admitted.
“Are you out of your bloody mind? Not one person in this house would ever see you as weak. You’re a fighter. That much is abundantly clear, and we all respect the hell out of you for what you’ve survived. Needing other people doesn’t make you weak,Piccola. We all need people around us. Why do you think Rafe and I formed this crazy, mis-matched family? We need them and they need us. We rely on each other when things get tough, and inside these walls no one needs to pretend anything, because this is our safe place. This is where we get to be ourselves without any of the bullshitting we need to do outside those doors.”
“I get it,” I nodded.
“Good. Now eat. I’m not allowing you out of my sight until you stop trembling,” he said firmly and I found myself doing exactly that, feeling calmer with something to focus on.
“You got kinda bossy, you know?” I teased him after a couple of bites. “I don’t remember you being bossy before.”
“I was a kid when you knew me before. I’m an old man now,” he told me, glancing up from whatever he was doing on his cell to wink at me. It should have been corny – the wink – but it so wasn’t. Instead it had me clenching my thighs together in more crazy reaction.
“It’s been eleven years. How can you be old? What are you, a year younger than Rafe?”
“Two. I turned twenty-nine a few months ago.”
“Not old at all,” I mused. I continued eating eagerly, Terza’s alfredo tasting just as perfect as I had remembered it. She really was the greatest cook. I hadn’t thought about food before because it didn’t mean much. When I did eat it was bland, and boring. Now that I had Terza’s cooking back though, I had a feeling my enthusiasm for eating was going to come back fast, and I might need to think about working out to maintain some balance.
“Dio?”
“Hmm?” he looked up from his cell and slid it on to the counter, giving me his full attention.
“If you’re not too busy, would you mind showing me where the gym is after I finish? I’d like to start using it tomorrow, if that’s okay?”
“Of course I’ll show you. And this is your home, Cara. You don’t need anyone’s permission to be in any room within it.”
“Yeah, Rafe keeps telling me that, but it’s weird, you know? You saw my apartment before. This place is so different. It’s going to take time for me to consider it home,” I told him honestly.
“You’ll get there. The important thing is that you give it a chancetofeel like home. It will take time for you to settle in here, but you will if you keep trying.” I knew instantly that he was thinking about what happened at that hotel too. I knew I’d terrified himthat day, almost as much as I had terrified my brother. Clearly he still had concerns I would try to do it again.
“I am…trying, I mean,” I told him as I dropped my fork and set my hand over his where it sat on his thigh. “I’m so sorry about what I put you and Rafe through back in Chicago. I told Rafe, and I should tell you too – it wasn’t about you. It was about me. I couldn’t see the way forwards, or I didn’t want to, anyway.”
“And now?”
