Page 33 of Bullet
“I’m pretty sure that was the first time I’ve heard my mom’s name said aloud since her funeral,” I confess quietly.
I hear the girls gasp, but I don’t look up.
“Are you serious?” Tara asks.
“That can’t be true, can it?” Natalie asks, sounding appalled.
Looking up, I offer them a weak smile and shrug. “I’m pretty sure, and if it’s not, it was definitely the first time I’ve heard it that didn’t have condolences attached to it.”
The girls share a look before they looks back at me.
“You know no one is ever truly gone until the last person who remembers them forgets to speak their name, right?” Lainey asks gently.
I shake my head. “I’ve never heard that before. I’m not upset about it. It was a shock, is all.”
Natalie reaches across and takes my hand in hers. “I’m sorry.”
I look over at one of the sweetest women I’ve ever met and frown. “What are you sorry about? Last I checked, you had nothing to do with her death.”
“Yeah, but we could have been there for you more. I wanted to, but Reaper told me you needed space. You even told me you needed space once. I should have pushed harder,” Natalie says as tears fill her eyes.
“We all should have,” Kaitlyn says.
“Well, we’re here now. Do you want to talk about it?” Lainey asks gently.
I open my mouth to change the subject but stop myself. Maybe if I admit that I’m struggling, it’ll help. Maybe I’ll stop being so destructive and hurting those around me.
Hurting Jacob.
“I feel like the night of my mom’s accident, I didn’t just lose her, but I lost my dad too. I feel like my life is out of control, and I can’t do anything to stop it,” I admit softly.
Tara nods. “I can see that. When he lost her…”
I swallow hard. “I’ve been so fucking mad at him. At the world, at everything. I know he lost his wife and everything, but I lost my mom. I needed him, and he wasn’t there. It was like he was so lost in his grief that he forgot I existed. Did you know he didn’t even say goodbye when he left for rehab?”
Lainey sucks in a breath next to me. “Please tell me you’re joking…”
I shake my head. “I wish I was. When I say I feel like I lost both of them that night, I mean it.”
“His behavior is inexcusable. I wish I would have kicked his ass,” Tara mutters.
“You and me both,” Kaitlyn says.
Evelyn shifts, pulling my eyes toward her. She stares at me thoughtfully. Natalie follows my line of sight over to her.
“You look like you have something to say,” Natalie says.
Evelyn sighs as she swirls her drink around in her cup. “If my time as a doctor has taught me anything, it’s that grief isn’t linear, there is no rule book, nothing. Grief for me looks differently than it would for any of you. Like Tara said, his behavior is inexcusable, but I can’t blame him. None of us have ever lost somebody that we’ve spent more than half of our life with. Someone that we loved with our entire being.”
I think about my parents and the way they were with each other. They were always so in tune with one another. Almost as if they knew what the other person needed before they did. While most people my age had parents who were divorced, my parents were the exact opposite. They were always all over each other, always kissing, hugging, dancing, laughing. My friends used tosay that they wanted a marriage like my parents had when they grew up.
I used to agree, but now I’m not sure. The thought of somebody having that much power over me is terrifying. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give someone that level of trust. That level of commitment and love. Not when it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.
Evelyn’s right, though. I have no idea what it’s like. I only know what it’s like to lose a parent.
“It is what it is,” I murmur softly.
“You’re in therapy, though. Is it helping?” Evelyn says.
