Page 32 of Bullet
I nod, gesturing for her to go inside before I follow her. When we settle into the living room, I face her and wait.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have thrown shit at you or yelled at you or done any of the shit I’ve been doing. I know you only want what is best for me.”
I’m surprised by the apology. Still, I don’t say a word. I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’ve already said it all.
“I appreciate everything you have done to keep me together. Even sending my dad off to get help. I know you did that for me as much as for him. I didn’t see what a blessing you were until you withdrew from me. I know I don’t deserve to ask this of you, but please don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone.” Her last words are on a whisper.
I move toward her, dropping to my knees in front of the chair she is sitting in as I stare up into her face.
“I will never leave you, but I won’t sit by and let you destroy your life either. You keep pushing away everyone who wants to help you. Natalie, Tara, and Kaitlyn have all been around trying to get inside that head of yours, but you refuse. I’m the only one you let close, but only to be your punching bag. I’ll gladly be your punching bag for the rest of time if it means you are getting better, but I feel like I’ve just enabled you. I can’t do that anymore, Angel. I can’t sit by and watch you rot. So I won’t leave you alone, but I can’t be the man I have been for you.”
“I’m going to get better,” she promises.
“I sure fucking hope you do, but you can’t do it to keep me around. You can’t do it because your dad needs you to be the strong one or because you are worried I’m disappointed in you. You need to do it for yourself. I realized that I had been trying to hold you together with tape, but that was always a temporary fix. You need to look inside yourself and decide if you want to be put back together. Only then will the fire burn bright enough to forge the pieces together for good. I will always be here for you, Harlee. Always, but I can’t make you want to be better. You have to want that for yourself.”
I reach up, cupping her cheek as her tears start to fall. I brush them away, wishing I could take this pain from her. I wish it was me dying inside.
“I hear what you are saying. I do want to heal. I want this pain to not weigh on me the way it has. I know it’s going to taketime and patience. Will you be my friend through it, though? I can’t do it alone. Please.”
As if I could deny her a single thing she asks. She could ask me to carve my heart out of my chest, and I would do it gladly, knowing I would die.
“I’ll never stop being your friend, Harlee. I promise you that.”
She lets all of her body weight fall into me as she wraps her arms around my neck. I let her cry as I hold her for as long as she needs.
I expect another hour-long sob fest, but she surprises me when, after ten minutes, she pulls herself together. She leans back and looks up into my face as she gives me a small smile.
“Thank you. For being here for me. I know it hasn’t been easy, but it means more than you know.”
I brush a piece of hair from her face. “Not even God himself could stop me from being by your side. I’ll always be here for you, Harlee. Always.”
“Will you stay and watch a movie with me? I don’t think I’m ready to be alone. Therapy took a lot out of me, and if I sit here alone, I will dwell on it,” she tells me.
“Sure. Whatever you want. How about you pick a movie, and I’ll send the prospect to that Asian fusion place you like.”
She smiles up at me like she just won the lottery. It’s the first time in a long time I’ve seen a smile like that on her.
“I’d like that.”
I can’t help but feel like things will be okay.
The last thing I wanted to do tonight was come hang out at the clubhouse under the watchful eyes of my dad’s brothers. Since my mom died, I’ve tried to distance myself from the club and anything that reminded me of her. That and I tried to avoid my father as much as possible.
No one likes watching their father stumble around drunk while women in skimpy clothes hit on him. In my father’s defense, though, he always waved them away. He never gave them the time of day, at least not when I was around.
What I forgot, though, was how much I liked the club. Or, more accurately, the old ladies of the club members.
Kaitlyn tips her head back and laughs. “I can’t believe that happened.”
“I swear it did,” Natalie says.
“What made it even funnier is when Eleanor walked in and didn’t even bat an eye. She just told them to carry on and to make sure that they cleaned up when they were done,” Tara says.
My breath catches as they say her name. I don’t even remember the last time somebody said my mom’s name aloud.
“Are you okay?” Lainey asks as she rests her hand on my arm.
Her question gets the other girl’s attention, and I feel them looking at me as I stare at my hands in my lap. For a split second, I contemplate lying and telling them I’m fine.
