Page 134 of The Kiss Of Death
My only ray of light is the music scores I’ve been writing for Levi. Our last game together.
“Hello! Earth to Lucie?” Patrice was losing patience, lighting up another cigarette and blowing the smoke in my face.
“Answer me,” I said. “I need to know.”
Patrice leaned forward. “I raised your damn kid, so you should thank me for it. Now, you can be proud of yourself. Youjust killed my hard-on. I hope he didn’t mess with my porn sites again.”
Patrice was leaving. I tapped my heart with my hand curled into a fist. “I want you gone. Leave my house.”
“Get out of town.” He chuckled.
“You get out of town!” I screamed back. Why would I get out of town? It was my home. He needed to leave.
“I don’t mean it literally. You never understand things like that. That’s why no one thinks you’re funny.” He turned around. “And you don’t mean that, baby, you can’t survive on your own.”
“Leave!” I screamed. I threw a pan at his face and grabbed the kitchen knife. “Leave before I kill you, and never come back!”
“You’re a crazy bitch!” He put his fingers on my temple as if they were a gun. “You’re fucking crazy. I’ll let you calm down, and then we’ll talk.”
“No. Leave. Forever.”
“Fine, you freak.” He grabbed his jacket and left.
Levi descended the stairs running with a sharp object in his hand, probably because of the noises, only to watch Patrice leave. My own son narrowed his eyes at me, and I wanted to tell him Patrice would never come back, but Levi shook his head and went back up the stairs, slamming his door.
I was a terrible mother. I had let a monster into my house for so many years. He did that to him, and I never knew, and he never told me. I failed as a mother. This wasn’t normal. I closed my eyes.
“Your parents were emotionally and physically abusive, Lucie,” Diana had said to me once. “They can’t treat you like that, and that man was abusive with you. He says you wanted it, but you didn’t. This was rape, Lucie. This is not normal, andit never was your fault. You were the victim. You deserved to be protected.”
Levi was a child from rape. Abusive.
My parents telling me to act “normal” and screaming how worthless I was when they punished me. Abusive.
What Patrice did to Levi. Physically abusive.
What Patrice did to me. Emotionally abusive.
But he never started as one. He was so kind, so generous and nice. He was everything I ever wanted at first. I was so blind. An easy target.
My head was about to explode.
Focused on doing everything right, I missed all the signs of abuse and reproduced everything I wanted to avoid.
I just went to my music room and locked the door behind me. There is only one solution to free him from this monster, to free us. I can’t break the cycle of trauma and abuse, so I’ll remove myself from the equation. Levi is strong, intelligent, and resilient. He’ll be better off without me. It wasn’t my son’s duty to free me, but he did; he was the only positive change I allowed myself to take.
He was the reason I made it until here. He was the reason I live.
I’m putting my music scores in an envelope that I sealed with his name on it. We’ll finally connect one last time. And in the drawer, there are the pills. If I take enough of them, it’ll all be over.
This is my goodbye.
I love you.
Find someone kind. The world isn’t all ugly—don’t make the wrong choices like I did.
Note to you: I noticed how you look at Diana’s daughter. A mother always notices those things. I think she’s in love with you too.
“She wasn’t like the other mothers. I knew that, but I—” Levi’s hand raked through his hair, his fingers twisting as if grappling with demons clawing at his skull. “I was just a damn kid. I couldn’t get her attention or feel any emotion from her unless I pissed her off. I was tired of indulging her interests.”
