Page 25 of Spoil
“CNC?”
“Consensual non-consent.”
She spins on me. “Rape?”
I shake my head. “No. There are rules in place, and the partner wants to be taken by force. It can be liberating to have that choice taken from you, but it’s all spoken about beforehand. Rules, expectations, safe words.” can tell this is overwhelming her.
“We provide a place where people can explore their sexuality safely, in a controlled environment with NDAs and written contracts.”
That seems to reassure her, and so we move on to Room Two.
“You said you work from home?”
“I’m an in-home caregiver to my stepmom. She’s been bedridden with anxiety and depression since my dad passed...”
“I am sorry to hear about that. I know you two were close.” She gives me a sad, appreciative smile.
“Thank you. I get a small pension from the state for caring for her, and get to stay home with Danny, so it works out.”
“And is that what you want to do?”
She’s running herself ragged. I want her to quit everything and be my stay-at-home-wife, but I need her to take that path one stone at a time. Or maybe her goals have changed, and this is what she wants.
She shakes her head ‘no’, but says, “Yes. I made a promise to my dad before he passed. And this is how I keep my word.” Iknow enough body language to know that the head shake was her body saying ‘no’, while her mouth said ‘yes’. There’s more there that I need to unpack.
“What did you promise your dad?”
“To keep the family together. I think he was afraid we’d grow distant and that I would move back in with Cara. That no one would be there to take care of Gen, because Grace and Chastity, my stepsisters, are... finding their own way in life...”
She finishes spraying down the toys while I strip the bed, and we move to the next room.
This is going to be harder than I thought. She’s staying with her stepmom and sisters out of a sense of duty she has to her father. It’s not going to be easy to convince her to break that. So, I leave that subject for another day.
“Tell me about Danny? I’d like to spend time with her someday too.”
She smiles and is instantly more alive. She loves our daughter with all of her heart. And it heals something inside of me. She was born to be a mother. And after mine couldn’t be bothered to notice her own daughter getting sick, it warms my stomach to know without a doubt that Nell would notice.
Nell would notice everything and burn the world down for our daughter.
Chapter fourteen
Penelope
Chatting with Daniel while we work lightens my heart. I hadn’t realized how heavy it had become over the years, but the same masterfulness of conversation he had five years ago is still here, and we talk effortlessly. He tells me more about the club, and I tell him stories of Danny. He listens intently, as if he’s mentally cataloging everything about our daughter.
I’m relieved to know he’s interested in parenting her. I’ve always wanted her father to be in the picture, while also knowing as well that she wasn’t planned, and he may not have wanted kids. Going child-free is a choice that I would respect if he told me that’s what he wants. And I don’t know how involved he’ll be, but at least when she does go to school, she’ll be able to say she knows her father.
I’ve carried around so much guilt that he wasn’t in our lives, in any capacity, and I think I can let a little of that go now. It may be five years late, but he’s here now, and willing to make the most of it. His declaration at the beginning of this shift still sits in the back of my mind, waiting for the space and time to process it fully. I’m grateful he kept me occupied and entertained, butas we make the last bed and put the last toy away, as we finish vacuuming all the rooms, that promise of a kiss steals my ability to think.
Is he really going to kiss me? Am I going to let him? Do I want him to kiss me? He’s told me what he wants from me, but I haven’t had time to figure out what I want from him, other than him in Danny’s life. But I don’t have to figure it all out right now. He’s asked for a kiss, and yeah, I want a kiss.
So when we go back to the back door, my bag slung over my shoulder, my diary in his hand.
I’m about to walk by him when he places a hand on my hip.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
He spins me and pins my hips to the door with his. My breath catches in my lungs.
