Page 112 of Smooth Moves
My little all-in, what his mother had called Cash in private. “Oh my God.”
“It gets better, or worse, depending on how you look at it.‘Allen arrived at noon. I had missed him so much. We made sweet love, and it was like being born again. When we’re together, it’s as if nothing else matters. He asked me about Cash again, but I told him we can’t go back and redo our lives. Charles can never know that Cash is not his son. He loves them both so much. It took all I could do to convince him that Cash was his in the first place.
“‘When Charles first learned about my affair, he cried. I’ve never seen a man cry like that. But he forgave me, and he forgot, and he never knew Cash wasn’t his. Then we had Reid. Our little family was perfect.’”
Cash was reeling. “God, I’m really not his.”
“We kind of figured that, Cash. This isn’t a big revelation.” Reid watched him with care. “You want me to keep going?”
“Yeah. A little more, I guess.” Cash had always wondered about his father. And now it made sense. Charles must have found out that Cash wasn’t his. No matter that the older he’d grown, the more he’d resembled his father’s size and stature. His biological father must have been a big guy too.
Finding it hard to breathe, he sat down.
Reid continued.“‘I can’t leave Charles. Allen can’t leave his wife. It’s so sad, our pure love that can never be allowed. The yearning for my dearest burns me so. That we must keep our deepest feelings a dark secret. Will our true love ever be known to the world?’”Reid scowled. “That’s awful. It’s like she was trying to write a romance novel using her own life as material. And it’s just…bad.”
“Yeah.” Cash swallowed around a dry throat. “So Charles knew. But he never said. I don’t get it. He hated me. Why not tell me the truth?”
“I don’t know. Maybe when I read further into this?” Reid paused. “I think you should do it.”
Cash’s hand shook as he took the volume from Reid.
“Hey, it’s getting late. I’m going to grab us some sandwiches. You stay here and read that, okay? I’ll be back.”
Cash nodded, poring over his mother’s book. It was like hearing her speak, all that bad dialogue and romantic fiction so much bullshit. She’d been a spoiled, selfish woman caught up in her own ideals of love and romance. While Charles had been no prince, he’d put food on the table and a roof over her head. He’d provided for his family and watched over Reid and Cash as much as he’d been able.
Cash remembered camping with his dad. Playing sports, learning how to build things, to fix an engine. Tons of stuff a boy should learn from his old man. But none of it had been enough for Angela. He read:
It’s Cash’s seventh birthday. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Pretending to lose my baby boy four years ago has eaten at me. So much I couldn’t write during that dark period. Only Allen kept me sane. That and my little All-in. Cash is so dear to me and favors his father so much. I wish I could show him how much I love him. Those beautiful green eyes are so soft, so loving. My little All-in, I call him, in remembrance of my truest love.
Charles has no idea, and it’s best I keep it that way. If he knew Allen’s name, who Allen really was, I fear he’d kill my love.
But my baby boy, my little Riley. So special. I miss him every day, but at least he’s in good hands with Meg. I miss my sister. I miss my son.
And it happened. As I’d feared, I made a mistake. Charles heard Cash talking about what should have been our little secret, my private nickname for my boy. Charles came to me and demanded to know why I’d called him that. And it all came spilling out. How much I missed Allen. How Cash reminded me of his father.
Charles hit me that day. Only once. A slap across my face.
And then he cried. My big, strong husband cried like he’d only cried that one time before. And I knew then I should never think to leave him. Not when my love meant so much to him. I saw the depth of Charles’s pain, and it moved me so.
I swore I’d never see Allen again. And from that day forward, I meant it. Allen was heartbroken. But Charles. He glowed with joy, that I’d chosen him over my true love.
I tried to hold onto that joy. But so lost without Allen, I turned inward. And found happiness in the words of others.
Cash couldn’t catch his breath. He set the book down and put his head between his knees, feeling ill.
Riley? Fuck me. She had another kid, and she gave him away?
He caught his breath and read through the passage again, realizing what must have happened. After having him and keeping him a secret, Angela kept fucking around with her lover—Allen, his father—and had gotten knocked up after Charles’s vasectomy. No way she could try to pass off another kid as his. How the hell she’d hidden that pregnancy Cash had no idea. Then he recalled his mother going to visit her family for a few months when her sister had fallen ill, back when he’d been little. He remembered because Charles had made him and Reid grilled cheese sandwiches and watched football with them on TV. They’d shared late-night treats and time with Daddy—Charles.
According to the journal, Angela had barely shown with him or with Reid. She must have been small enough to fool everyone into thinking she’d just gained a little weight then hidden out at her sister’s for the last months of her pregnancy. She’d returned home the same old mom. At least, Cash had no recollection of his mother having another child.
So he wasn’t Reid’s full brother. They shared a mother. And Cash had a full younger brother somewhere.
“Somewhere? Who the hell am I kidding? There’s a six foot four shithead at work who looks just like me,” he said out loud. Hearing it, he felt totally drained, shocked, saddened, and so fucking angry he wanted to hit something.
Could Smith be his brother? But she’d called the boy Riley. Smith—that arrogant piece of crap—couldn’t possibly be his brother, could he? Had he known all this time? Was that the reason for his attitude? Or was Cash reaching, delusional just because some idiot at work happened to look like him?
He lay staring at the ceiling, knowing he needed to read the rest of her journal but was unable to muster the strength to learn more secrets.
