Page 93 of Ice Ice Maybe
I blinked rapidly, trying to make sense of what I was seeing, but coming up blank. “Um, I thought we were having … sushi?”
“We are!” Mom beamed. “This is my take on Midwest sushi.”
“Midwest sushi?” Zena said, her eyebrows raised in curiosity. “I’ve never heard of it.”
Neither had I, which scared me.
Mom’s eyes lit up. “Oh, it’s quite the delicacy! It’s also known as Minnesota sushi, St. Louis sushi, Iowa sushi. There must be a hundred names.”
“Pickle pinwheels! Pickle dawgs! Pickle wraps! Pickle roll-ups!” Dad said with more enthusiasm than was necessary, especially considering they looked completely inedible.
I held up my hand, overwhelmed by their culinary tag teaming. “Okay, okay, I remember those pickle roll-ups, and they were pretty good.” I gestured to the platter on the table. “But these look nothing like them. Is that Spam?”
“Yes!” Mom beamed proudly. “I wanted to create my own version! Instead of the usual deli ham, pickles, and cream cheese, I went for something that will hopefully knock your socks off.”
Or blow my bottom out.
“I call them Spam-tastic Surprise Rolls!” Mom announced, her voice brimming with pride. “It’s sauerkraut, mashed potatoes, and cottage cheese, wrapped in Spam and then topped with mustard-mayo sauce!”
Luckily, I controlled my gag reflex, but that was the closest I had ever been to throwing up in my mouth. I scanned the kitchen for something else, anything that looked edible. There was nothing! Was this all we were going to eat?
Mom caught my shocked gaze and said, “Relax, Nolan, we have frozen custard for dessert.”
Her custard was amazing, but it wasn’t enough to take my mind off the monstrosity in front of us. I loved Mom’s experimental side, but why did it have to be tonight of all nights? I’d originally offered to take them out to dinner, but Mom insisted on preparing something special for Zena.
We settled into our seats and raised our wine glasses.
“To love!” Mom toasted.
“Cheers!” we all said in unison.
As we clinked glasses, Zena’s eyes met mine. For a moment, the world and the food seemed to fade away, leaving nothing more than our shared smiles and the unspoken feelings we had yet to declare, if we survived dinner tonight.
Mom’s voice broke the spell. “Let me get you started with some food.”
Zena and I exchanged a look of silent horror when Mom piled our plates high with the surprise rolls, one after the other after the other.
Nine, ten, eleven …
Why would Mom do such a thing? Why not wait and see if we actually liked them before giving us more? We had way too many rolls to spit into a napkin!
I watched as Zena wasted no time to please Mom, popping an entire roll into her mouth. Her eyes widened, and she nodded,then her face suddenly contorted as she struggled to keep her composure. Luckily, I was sitting by her side, so projectile vomiting would have no chance of hitting me.
“Mmm,” Zena said, finally swallowing, although it looked like she was trying to force a sock down her throat.
Odds are, the sock would have tasted better.
“I have never had anything like this!” Zena said ambiguously, her smile strained as she looked my way. “Your turn, Nolan.”
Gee, thanks so much.
I reached for a roll and forced a smile at Mom before popping it into my mouth. The taste was like a flavor apocalypse and my taste buds were waving tiny white flags of surrender. My body was silently asking me, “what have I done to deserve this?” I let out a moan that I hoped sounded more like pleasure than pain, then wiped my mouth as cover to spit the entire contents into my napkin. As Mom stood to open the kitchen window, I executed a stealth mission, transferring three rolls from my plate to the napkin on my lap.
“Excuse me—bathroom break,” I mumbled, making my escape.
There was a reason Dad did ninety-nine percent of the cooking in the family. He handed off his napkin full of rolls to me as I passed him, mouthing his usual “thank you” since we’d been through this exact scenario many times before.
After flushing the evidence down the toilet, tossing the napkins in the trash, and rinsing my mouth twice, I nearly collided with Zena on the way back out.
