Page 72 of The Backup Groom
I almost choked on the apple fritter. “Why?”
It would have given him more than enough money needed to start his medical practice with his doctor friends, so it made little sense.
Rectum Ryan was about to take a sip of his drink and paused. “For one, I don’t like her very much. Seriously, what a horrible person! She thinks the sun shines out of her backside. But even if we were to eliminate the fact that your cousin’s primary form of transportation is probably a broom, the main reason I turned her down is because I’m a man of my word. I told you I wouldn’t back out of the deal.”
It wasn’t often you ran into someone who lived up to their moral integrity, but Rectum Ryan’s wholesomeness was really pissing me off because it meant I would have to be the one to break off our engagement. And nothing could make me feel more horrible.
“What did she say after you told her no?” I finally asked.
“She called me an idiot and said that I had my head up my butt. I asked her if she could recommend a proctologist who could perform the delicate procedure to remove it?” He seemed pleased with his joke and took a sip of his drink.
“Thank you for putting up with her. I know you didn’t sign up for that.”
“No worries,” he said. “As I said before, I know how to handle people like her.”
“You’re one of the good ones,” I said, snagging the other half of the apple fritter from the center of the table and chomping on the end like a madwoman.
“Thank you.” Rectum Ryan smiled. “You’re the second person who told me that today.”
“It’s obviously the truth,” I said. “Who was the other person? It wasn’t Mercedes, I know that.”
“It was someone I met here, actually. She was sitting at the table behind you before you came in. Her name is Alma, and she’s the branch manager at the Wells Fargo around the corner. She heard me tell Mercedes I couldn’t be bought for money. After I told Mercedes to take a hike and she stormed out, Alma turned around and said the world needed more men like me. I thought that was really kind of her to say that to a stranger.”
“You really took a liking to her,” I said, taking another huge bite of the apple fritter and licking my fingers.
Rectum Ryan grinned, looking positively smitten. “We had a strong connection as we chatted. There was something about her, you know? And this may sound weird, but one of the things I loved most about her was she maintained eye contact when we chatted. She seemed sincere. She really listened. That means a lot to me. It’s like we had an instant connection just by looking at each other, something that has never happened to me before.”
I shook my head. “It’s not weird at all. I love those traits in a person. Sometimes you click with someone, without even trying.” My thoughts went straight to Scotty.
His head was downcast as he crumpled up a napkin and rolled it back and forth on the table like it was a ball. He looked a little disappointed, actually.
“Well, anyway, I would have asked her out on the spot, but you and I had a deal.”
I heaved a great sigh. “I know exactly how you feel.”
Rectum Ryan sat up straighter and leaned toward me. “Yeah? You’re interested in someone?”
I ducked my head bashfully. “A wonderful man. He makes me smile every time I see him. Makes me feel special, too. I didn’t even know I had feelings for him until recently. It’s quite the surprise since I’ve known him for years.”
“He was right under your nose the whole time,” he said.
“That’s the truth.” I winced, polishing off the rest of the apple fritter.
Rectum Ryan was deep in thought. “Maybe this is a sign for both of us.”
I stopped chewing, hoping he was saying what I hoped he was saying, since I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up.
“We don’t have to get married, you know,” he added.
“Are you telling me you would rather have true love than a new doctor’s office?” I tried to maintain my composure, even though I was ready to literally jump across the table and kiss him. Instead, I reached toward the center of the table for one of the cinnamon twists, taking a huge bite. My nervous-eating was getting out of control.
“I would feel bad since I promised the money to you,” I said, hoping he didn’t notice that I was grazing like a goat.
Rectum Ryan waved off my comment. “I’m the highest paid proctologist in Southern California. I can make that in less than two years.”
I blinked. “Do all proctologists make that much?”
“No, but I kicked ass and took names.” He gave me the most brilliant smile, and I truly appreciated his sense of humor in that moment.
