Page 2 of The Backup Groom
“Okay . . .” Burt reached for the remote and started the video again.
Uncle G huffed. “So, I guess ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ is out of the question?”
Jimmy sighed. “We really need to move on or we’ll have to charge you extra for my time today, plus additional fees for editing this part out of the video.”
“Everything stays in the video—I don’t care if it’s an hour long,” Uncle Garfunkel said. “I’ve got plenty of clams in my bank account to make it worth your while.”
Clamswas the word Uncle G preferred to use instead of dollars.
Like I said, he had always lived life on his own terms.
I was a little jealous of that, if I were being honest.
My life was routine.
Predictable.
Stagnant even.
Okay, maybeboringwas the more appropriate word.
The highlight of the day was my morning coffee before I started my soul-sucking job at Pacific Beach Media. If I got to play tennis after work, that was my only other daily moment of bliss, unless you counted watching reruns ofTed LassoorThe Office, which, why wouldn’t you?
My work life was unfulfilling.
My love life was nonexistent.
I’ll admit I was stuck in a rut.
Uncle G lifted the piece of paper closer to his eyes and cleared his throat. “I, Garfunkel Dudley Birch Norris, resident of the city of San Diego, county of San Diego, state of California, being of sound mind, not acting under duress or undue influence . . .” He leaned toward the camera and whispered, “Although I did sample a wonderful Francis Ford Coppola Cabernet earlier.” He winked.
I couldn’t help laughing.
Jimmy massaged his temples in the video. “This is extremely unorthodox for a will reading, and if you continue to be divergent and stray off course of what is standard practices, I’m not so sure this will hold up in a court of law if someone contests the will.”
“Maybe I should’ve saved some of that wine for you.” Uncle G winked, then scanned the document and continued, “. . . fully understanding the nature and extent of all my property and of this disposition thereof, blah, blah, blah, do hereby make, publish, and declare this video and the transcription of this video to be my Last Will and Testament, and hereby revoke any and all other wills and codicils heretofore made by me, blah, blah, blah. What a mouthful.” He shook his head in disgust.
Jimmy sighed. “Trust me—this is all very necessary. Please proceed with the beneficiaries of your estate and assets.”
“Of course . . .” Uncle G rubbed his hands together. “Now, comes the fun part. I may be immortality-challenged, but I still have the power to improve your lives, to help correct the errors of your ways, and to set you on a new trajectory. Because, let’s face it, you’ve made mistakes, and some were doozies.”
He got no argument from me.
“I mean, look at you all . . .” We glanced at each other. “Mercedes is divorced. Amber is divorced. Good God, everybody in our family is divorced, except for Kathleen and Ron.”
Ron pumped his fist in the air. “Yeah, baby. We are the champions. A Queen reference, in honor of Uncle Garfunkel.” He dropped his hand when he noticed he was the only one in the office who was smiling.
“Amber, Amber, Amber . . .” Uncle G gave me a sympathetic smile. “Although you have made your share of mistakes, including that ill-advised marriage to what’s-his-name, we’ve always had a special bond, so I will begin with you.”
I swallowed hard, not knowing what to expect.
Uncle G never married, never had children, and lived a modest life in a three-bedroom home near San Diego State, where he was a professor at the College of Engineering. He also spent his time tinkering with inventions in his garage when he wasn’t giving presentations at conferences around the country. He had been driving the same car for over two decades and wore the same Dockers practically every day.
“And don’t you worry one bit, Amber,” Uncle G said. “I have the answer to all your problems in the love department. Your days of being single will soon be over!”
What did he mean by that?
I grabbed my coffee to finish it with one last gulp, wondering why he had an evil, mischievous look on his face.
