Page 121 of Men or Paws
Just like that, all my anxiety melted away.
“But the first real step in pissing is figuring out the way you’re going to take said piss,” Josh said. “Guys, let me ask you this . . . should you pee standing up or sitting down?
All the men in the comedy club yelled, “Standing up!”
Josh made the sound of a game show buzzer. “Wrong.”
The audience laughed.
“Sorry for throwing my homies under the bus, but you only want to stand because you’re lazy,” Josh said. “You want to follow the path of least resistance, and standing while peeing is easy-peasy-long-dong-squeezy.”
I glanced over at Rocco, who was laughing again.
“And we can debate the silliness of this another time when we’re all sitting around the campfire naked and singing Jimmy Buffet songs, but there is evidence that peeing while sitting is relaxing and gives us guys a bit of time to chill and multitask. You can check your fantasy football scores on your phone, or crochet a plaid sweater for your three-legged rescue Chihuahua.”
The audience laughed.
“Ladies? Let me ask you a question,” Josh said. “Should your man pee while standing up or while sitting down?”
All the women in the audience yelled, “Sitting down!”
“I rest my case. Hell, maybe I should write the book myself. I have the knowledge and experience, so why not? I have been pissed on, pissed off, and most recently while in England, bloody pissed.That’s gotta account for something. Like a stream of urine and a hundred feet of Egyptian cotton, you just need to soak up everything I say with every fabric of your being.”
I checked the time on my watch, wondering how long this bit was going to last. I love watching my brother on stage, but I wanted my best friend to be engaged!
“And let’s face it,” Josh said. “Location is just as important in pissing as it is in real estate. You just can’t piss anywhere. I have decided to help theDummiespeople out by coming up with a list of piss-poor locations for draining the lizard.”
Rocco laughed and leaned toward me. “This should be good.”
Josh pulled out a piece of paper and unfolded it. “The reserved parking spot for the pastor at your church. Inside a dog park. In front of a mosque in the Middle East, unless you’re trying to put out a car bomb fire. And within six inches of a table saw or sausage cutter.” Josh pointed to himself. “For me within twelve inches, obviously.” He grinned and nodded his head while the audience laughed and hooted.
One woman screeched with laughter, then waved a napkin in the air. “Take my number, baby!”
The audience laughed.
“It may be best to also avoid Lake Baikal in Siberia,” Josh added. “Although it is the largest lake in the world and a wonderful sight to see, it is also home to the infamous dickmangle fish.”Josh held his hand in the air and gave the peace sign. “Thanks so much, ladies and gentlemen! You’ve been wonderful!”
The audience cheered, many of them giving him a standing ovation.
I squeezed Rocco’s hand hard, most likely cutting off the circulation since this was the moment I had been waiting for.
It was proposal time! Finally!
Josh cleared his throat. “Thank you. Thank you very much.” He waved to the audience and waited for the applause to die down. “Hey, before I go, I just wanted to give a big shoutout to my girlfriend, Holly, who’s sitting right here in the front with my sister, Beth, and her boyfriend, the one and only Rocco Romano.” He gestured to us, but then the audience went crazy as the camera projected the three of us onto the large screen above Josh’s head.
Boyfriend? We never discussed the boyfriend/girlfriend thing.
But I did like the sound of it.
I glanced over at Rocco, curious of his expression.
He just smiled and waved to the audience, like it was no big deal.
Breathing a sigh of relief, I sat a little taller and smiled.
I was Rocco Romano’s girlfriend.
“Whoops!” Josh said. “Is it public knowledge that you two are seeing each other? If not, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. That’s just between me, you, the audience here tonight, and the billion people who will see it on social media over the next twenty-four hours.”
