Page 97 of It's Not PMS, It's You
“Ruth!” He danced his way toward me, doing one of the worst versions of the conga line I had seen in my entire life, lifting his legs in time with the rhythm of the Latin music playing from the bar music system. I watched his uncoordinated legs in horror, wondering if he was double or triple jointed, if there was such a thing.
One-two-three-kick. One-two-three-kick.
Why am I being tortured like this? What have I done to deserve this?
“What are the chances?” Barney said, out of breath from his full body Latin convulsion that made me want to do shots of tequila just so I could forget I ever witnessed it.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Considering my luck, I’d say that the odds were pretty good I was going to run into you again.”
Barney nodded. “Yeah, I’m lucky, too.” He glanced around the bar. “This place is packed like sardines, but you still couldn’t hide from my free bagels, could you? One of these days you’re going to try one.” He laughed and sat down. “Didn’t I tell you this was a sign? The stars have aligned, and nothing can keep us apart. The proof is in the pudding.”
I stood up. “Sorry, Barney. I can’t do this.”
“Ahhh, come on, Ruth. Give me a shot. Most guys are all sizzle and no steak.”
“I can’t argue with you there.”
“But with me, I’m one hundred percent USDA Prime Angus beef with—” He stared at my name tag. “Hey, did you change your name?”
“Yes, my name is Reth now.”
“Iloveit. Hey—let’s explore the possibilities of this thing called love.”
“I’d rather not.”
“It’s not a half-baked idea.”
“Yes. It is.”
“You just need to get to know me a little better and you’ll see I’m not a bad egg at all. I admit that I’m an acquired taste, like anchovies or gorgonzola. Just ask Max.” He pointed three tables down from us. “Hey, Max! Look who’s here!”
This can’t be happening.
I cranked my head to the right and sure enough . . .
“Hi, Ruth!” Max waved enthusiastically.
“It’s Reth now!” Barney corrected Max, yelling across the bar. “She changed her name!”
“Great! Three more tables and I’ll be with you to catch up!”
Becauseso muchhas happened since I had seen him yesterday.
What were we going to talk about?
That he and Barney were now best buds?
Time to make my escape.
I walked around my table to leave. “Good luck, Barney. I have to go.” I continued toward the door without looking back.
“Looks like we’re out of luck again, Max!” Barney called out from behind. “What did I tell you? She’s a runner and a tough nut to crack!”
Back in my car, I ripped the name tag off my blouse, pulled my phone from my purse, and sent a text to Dee.
Ruth: Call the Vatican to see if they have any vacancies for nuns.
Dee: How many men did you make it through?
