Page 105 of Special Delivery
James looked at her intently, his black eyes penetrating hers. She searched him for clues—a smile, a glimmer in his eyes, a twitch of the lips—but his face was a mask.
‘Poppy, we can’t.’
‘We can!’ she insisted. ‘I know this is a hard time for you, but I’ve realised whatever comes will come, and we can just enjoy being with each other now. We’ve wasted so much time already, why waste another minute?’
James grabbed the back of his head and sighed. The tiny bead of fear in her abdomen swelled.
‘Poppy, it’s too late. This whole thing with Mary … it’s been another massive reminder that life doesn’t go to plan. I have to go to Melbourne. I can’t stay here and let life pass me by.’
‘But you got accepted into the med program at CSU Orange too,’ stammered Poppy. ‘What if it’s a sign you don’t need to go to Melbourne?’
‘What if getting into Melbourne is a sign I should go there, Poppy? Life isn’t some secret code from the universe that we have to decipher. I can’t trust fate to sort my life out for me. I have to make my own decisions. That’s why I’m going to Melbourne.’ He didn’t need to addwithout you.
Poppy shook her head. She needed to jolt him out of this and make him laugh and remember who they were together but it was like trying to cup water in her hands. The morehe spoke, the further away he slipped, sliding through her fingers like liquid.
‘But you asked if I was okay,’ she said quietly.
‘What?’
‘Back at my place, you asked if I was okay. I thought it meant you cared.’
The mask on James’s face flickered for a millisecond and was back just as quickly. ‘It doesn’t matter if I do, Poppy. You have an ex-boyfriend who wants to get back together with you and another ex-boyfriend who hits on you when he’s drunk. There’s too much standing in our way.’
‘This is stupid!’ cried Poppy. ‘Of every relationship I’ve been in, this is the one that feels like it could be … I dunno, good. Awesome, even. It feels real. Don’t you feel it too? We just match.’
‘You make it sound so simple Poppy, but it’s not.’
‘We can make it simple,’ Poppy argued. ‘This doesn’t have to be anything more than what it is right now. We can be happyright now.’
A beat passed between them and Poppy wished she could read his mind like he could read hers. On her hip, Maeve shifted to lay her head against Poppy’s chest and a horrible thought occurred to her.
‘It is because I’m a single mum? Is it because of Maeve?’
The hurt in his eyes was instant. ‘Of course not,’ he said. ‘You know I think Maeve is amazing. It’s just—I’m moving to Melbourne. And you … you’re not going anywhere, are you?’
For a moment Poppy imagined herself in Melbourne. Shushing Maeve at cool cafes in graffitied laneways, endingup in the hook turn lane, the pram getting stuck in the tram tracks. Sure, there would be good coffee, designer baby shops, the pleasant anonymity that came with city life, but she’d have to hustle and grind and always pay for parking and, at this point in her life, that was a giant negative.
In Orange, she had her parents, she had April and the mothers’ group girls, the baristas at The Bustle knew her coffee order. Every member of the golf club mafia knew her life story, but she knew they’d protect her and Maeve like their own. When people said it took a village to raise a child, they forgot to mention it took a village to raise a mother, too. This town with its wide streets and colourful seasons had sheltered her when she needed it. Orange had become home again. ‘You’re right,’ said Poppy quietly. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’
James shifted on the balls of his feet. ‘You and I are in different lanes, Poppy, and that’s a fact we can’t change, no matter how we feel.’
‘Howdoyou feel?’ she asked softly. There was something underneath that mask. He was hiding something and she knew it.
‘Poppy, at this point, how I feel won’t change anything. It’s not as though this is a Netflix special and all you need is love.’
‘Love?’ whispered Poppy.
James’s face flickered again. ‘Figure of speech,’ he said weakly.
Poppy was suddenly furious.Love?!He drops the L-word and then insists they can’t be together?! He was so bloody infuriating! Couldn’t he see he was making the wrong decision? ‘So that’s it?’ she asked. ‘We’re done?’
‘We could be friends?’
‘We tried that,’ said Poppy hotly, her body livid at the memory of James undressing her in a stable.
‘What do you want me to say?’ asked James. ‘That we should never speak again?’
‘I want you to admit you’re being stupid!’ If he was going to outright reject her, he was going to have to try harder. She didn’t care if she seemed psycho or needy or pathetic. James made her shameless. He was her kryptonite.
