Page 98 of The Bodyguard Affair
“Nolan? You there?” Deidra asks after too long a silence.
“Yeah. Sorry. I’m just surprised.” I shouldn’t be. The little guy is fucking amazing. Of course someone else would want him.
“Yup. It’s an older couple whose dog passed a couple months ago. It also had skin allergies, so they know all about his medications and special diet.”
“Whoa. That actually sounds perfect,” I say, even though it doesn’t feel like it. When I tell you my heart drops out of my ass, I mean it plummets through the floor.
“Doesn’t it? They want to come meet him tomorrow, and if all goes well with their background checks, I think it’ll be a go.” She sounds optimistic, and I should be, too. I know it’s selfish. I should be elated at the prospect of him finding a forever home. A family that loves him and has the time to give him all the attention he needs.
“Anyway,” she continues. “I just wanted to call and let you know because you two had developed a bond. I know you said you weren’t in the market for a dog, but I wanted to confirm that was still the case and give you the chance to throw your name in the hat.”
I clear my throat. Fuck. Of course I want to adopt Cody. But would I be making an impulsive decision, like Andi said? Is all the stuff with the house going up for sale, Mom’s health, and her moving into the facility messing with my head? The last thing I want to do is adopt Cody and then come to the realization that I should take the Denmark contract. It wouldn’t be fair.
“Believe me, Deidra, I want to take him, but I don’t know where I’ll be next week and—”
“No worries!” she says quickly, like she anticipated that answer. “I’m going to proceed with the adoption, then. Feel free to come by today or tomorrow if you want to say goodbye.”
I drive to the farm first thing the next morning, my stomach coiled into tight knots.This is a happy day. This is a good thing, I tell myself.
When I come through the gate, Cody bounds over, his tongue out to greet me with a million licks. Then, he flops over, giving me access to scratch his oily belly, completely oblivious to the fact that today is the biggest day of his life. He’s getting adopted. I run my hand over his peach fuzz and force a smile, but inside, I’m absolutely gutted. It should be me adopting him.
And then something happens. The moment his big, dark, trusting eyes meet mine, something breaks. For the first time in two decades, I cry. And it’s not just a few tears I can hold back. It’s a full-on, shoulder-shaking, loud sob. A long-overdue one at that.
Cody tilts his head at me, confused, and then, as if sensing it, he starts whimpering, too.
I manage to collect myself (barely) in time for the arrival of his new family. Like Deidra said on the phone, they’re an older, salt-and-pepper-haired couple. They’re kind and gentle with him, giving him space when he cowers away from them, pressing his whole body between my legs.
They reassure Deidra and me, promising to send pictures and updates. And I nod, trying to stay strong as I hand his shaky little body over to them. He whimpers and cries when they take him. And when they drive off down the dirt road, I let go again.
Deidra awkwardly pats my shoulder, unsure what to do. Notthat I blame her. I’m a six-foot-four man crying in her yard like a child.
I full-body sob the entire drive home. It’s the kind that makes your gut ache. The kind that empties you until there’s nothing left.
Chapter 44
Andi
“He told me he loved me,” I confess to Amanda. I called her on my way home from work and bribed her with Chinese food to come save me from fermenting on my couch alone for another night since returning from Mexico three days ago.
Amanda nearly dumps the entire container of General Tso’s chicken as she flails on my couch like an eel. She even punches the cushion for dramatic effect. “Shut up. I told you he has feelings for you! Do you feel the same way?” She leans forward, studying my reaction with the intensity of an FBI detective.
The moment I hesitate, Amanda pounces. “I’m taking your silence as a yes,” she giddily decides, popping a piece of chicken in her mouth.
“I do love him,” I admit from my spot on the floor in front of the couch. I sigh into my lo mein, swirling the noodles around with my chopsticks. I’ve known it for a while, probably since that night at the ravine. But I think I only let myself truly feel theweight of it when he carried me on his back to the villa in Mexico. My mind drifts back to that moment, the warmth of his arms, and the way I never wanted to let go of him. “But it’s more complicated than that.”
She blows the air out of her cheeks like a deflated balloon. “How? If he loves you and you love him, what’s complicated about that?” she asks simply. I’ve always appreciated this about her. She’s all about emotions. Feelings. No logic.
“Well, he said it directly after finding out he got a job in Denmark. A two-year posting he’s been waiting to hear about all summer. And now he’s second-guessing. Said he wants to stay in Ottawa, even though he told me when we first met that he never intended on settling anywhere.”
“If he wants to settle here—in Frostawa, of all places—for you, why not let him? People are allowed to change their minds,” she notes.
I explain that this whole decision is also on the heels of him dealing with the reality of Lorna’s health, all while arranging to move her into a facility for her Alzheimer’s. It would be unfair of me to let him make such a massive decision, such a huge divergence from everything he stood for, without thinking it through entirely. What happens when he realizes life with me is boring? The same predictable routine compared to the spontaneity and adventure he’s accustomed to?
“Poor guy. That’s a lot to deal with,” she says thoughtfully. “Though it doesn’t mean his feelings for you aren’t real. Maybe you’re the one thing he’s sure about.”
“Or maybe I’m his escape from reality.” My heart lodges in my throat at the possibility. “Anyone in his shoes might make an emotional, impulsive decision. That’s why I’m giving him somespace. We’re supposed to go to Gretchen’s gala together on Friday, but I haven’t heard from him. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to pressure him to go. He might need more time to process.”
“Give him an out, if you’re worried. Just say no worries about the gala and leave it at that. He has a lot going on, to be fair.”
