Page 105 of The Bodyguard Affair
I take one look at Nolan out of the corner of my eye. He steps forward to take my hand, but all I want to do is escape. I can’t look at him, or especially Gretchen.
So I run.
• • •
I don’t recommend running barefoot, my dress billowing behind me like some messed-up superhero cape. But desperate times and all.
By the time I get back to the safety of my apartment, my lungs burning from the cool night air, the bottoms of my feetblack, all I want to do is collapse into a ball in bed and hide under the blankets for eternity. All the glittery, fancy book and film deals in the world suddenly seem hollow and worthless compared to the betrayal, the humiliation. And I only have myself to blame. I was naive enough to think I could get away with it.
The time passes in a haze. It could have been ten minutes or two hours; I lose all sense of reality as I huddle in the dark, contemplating how I can ever make it up to Gretchen and Eric. The knock at my door startles me out of my cocoon of self-loathing. I hear Nolan’s concerned voice through the door.
“Come here,” he says the moment I open the door. His suit, which was sharp and immaculate earlier, is now slightly disheveled. His tie is loosened, hanging askew around his neck. He pulls me into a hug so tight, it’s like he’s bracing himself against the weight of the world. His arms wrap around me with a firm, reassuring grip, holding me upright as I cling to him. I bury my face in his chest, letting his steady heartbeat ground me. In his arms, it feels like everything will be okay, even for a split second.
“I outed myself. On my deal announcement,” I say when I let go, blankets still folded around me like a burrito.
There’s a brief, heavy silence before Nolan speaks again. “I know. Everyone was talking about it after you ran out.”
“I can’t believe I did that. God, Gretchen—everyone must think I’m completely unhinged.” I cringe, sinking down to the floor, and he sinks down with me.
“Fuck what everyone else thinks,” Nolan says firmly. “Especially people on the Hill. You don’t need them anymore.”
“I do. I feel horrible for what I did. This is so much bigger than even me,” I explain. “It could ruin Eric’s campaign.”
Nolan shakes his head. “It won’t. People love him, Andi. Even when these rumors first came out, his approval ratings barely changed.”
“Still. I’m going to go resign tomorrow. I can’t show my face on the Hill ever again,” I decide, not that I’d be welcome anyway. “Though I’m pretty sure I’m already fired.”
“Maybe this is the best thing that could have happened, given the circumstances. Now you can write full-time. Do what you actually love.”
I shake my head. The thought of my entire life falling from under me is enough to make me want to dive back under the covers. “No. I’m going to call Cher and tell her to cancel the deal.”
“Don’t, Andi,” he says firmly, taking my hands into his.
“Why not? I don’t deserve any of the glory. Not on the back of what I did.”
“Look, we may not have handled this the right way. I’m not disputing that. But what I can tell you is punishing yourself won’t help. Taking away your only source of income, all your potential…it feels like a massive waste. The damage is already done, so why not make the most of it?”
I shrug. I don’t have an answer for him.
“I think the bigger issue here is that you’re scared,” he tells me.
“Scared of what?”
“Of being yourself, of getting out of your comfort zone. You’re scared of taking risks. You’re scared of letting people in and letting people see you. Really see you.” He pauses, his gaze intense. “You’ve gotten used to fading into the background, being behind the scenes. Hiding. Avoiding the spotlight. You avoid attention at all costs. And I don’t understand why, because in a room full of people, you’re the only one I want to look at.”
I nod. “I’ve always been scared of judgment, ever since I was a kid. My mom was so critical about everything, what we ate, how we ate, how we dressed. If Amanda or I said or did the wrong thing, especially in front of Dave’s family, we’d hear about it for weeks. Even now, whenever I do things, I always hear her voice in my mind. Some judgment or criticism. And I think that’s why I’ve always lived my life so safe.”
I think about all the reasons I’ve kept my writing a secret this whole time. Why I chose a pen name. It wasn’t just because I wanted to keep my writing separate from my day job. Deep down, I was ashamed. I was embarrassed.
I thought if people knew I wrote books, let alone romance, they’d use it as a window to judge me. I imagined my mom’s raised brow, her whispering with her country club friends about me. They’d think a whole host of things, that I’m talentless, that all I write is fluff, or that I’m some weird sexual deviant who fantasizes about her boss’s husband. But now I know judgment comes regardless. I can’t avoid it. It’s up to me not to care.
“I see you, Andi. And I love the person you are. Not put-together, perfect Andi, Gretchen’s personal assistant who can do everything all at once. Or A. A. Zed, the bestselling novelist. Just Andi, the sensitive, sweet woman I walked in on in the bathroom, who’s owned my heart ever since.”
A tear rolls down my cheek. Not because I’m terrified or scared. But because I’ve never had someone believe in me like Nolan. And it means everything.
“My mom told me yesterday that one of the biggest mistakes we can make is living life small, letting life pass us by because we’re scared.”
I sniff. “That sounds wise.”
