Page 98 of Fractured Souls
“I think what Hunter is trying to say is that we want to talk to you. Right?” Hunter closes his eyes, taking a minute, then nods. “We wouldn’t be wasting our time if we didn’t want to talk to you. Trust me. I get it. I felt so fucking worthless because I thought Noah would eventually find someone better. I was just waiting for him to leave me.”
“How did you get past that?”
“I gave in and just let him love me. It was scary as hell because I didn’t know what would happen. It’s really hard to think about anyone else loving me like he does, though. Especially someone amazing as he is. I grew up with so much hatred, but giving in to him was the smartest decision I ever made.”
It’s quiet as I look up, and I realize they’re waiting for me to talk.
Fuck it.
If I’m going to talk to anyone, why can’t it be them? I have to trust them when they say they want to hear me, that they want to know me. That it won’t be too much. At least they might understand me a little bit.
“I don’t know what’s happening to me. We’ve been friends for so long. I just don’t know what changed that first night.”
“What happened?”
“We were just messing around, and he touched my stomach, and . . . and I just kissed him. We made out, and it changed my brain chemistry. Literally. Ever since then I haven’t been able to shut off this feeling. I don’t know what’s going on. We’ve messed around a few times, and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I can’t make my brain go back.”
“You want to make it go back?” Hunter asks.
I chew the inside of my cheek as I debate this. I feel like I’m losing my grip on whatever’s happening with us. It’s a free fall without a harness, and it scares the shit out of me. “He’s the only person I can count on, the one person who’s always been there for me. What we have is irreplaceable. I’m not even into guys—” Jamie snorts. “No I don't think I am, I tried. I'm not sure what's going on with me. I let a guy blow me. I couldn’t even . . . finish. I had to think about Bo.” I’ve twisted myself into knots trying to make sense of it. My face heats with the confession. “It’s not the same as it is with him. Everything's better when it's with him.”
“Can I ask if you tried with Amira? Could you get into it?” Jamie asks.
I think for a moment. “I . . . I mean, yeah. We kissed, and it was nice, but I—”
“But what?”
“I didn’t feel anything.” There was no fire. No need. The entire time I just thought about Bo. He’s all I’ve thought about since we kissed, since he unlocked this feeling inside me.
“I don’t think the label is the issue Cam.” Hunter says. “It’s because you’re in love with him. That’s why no one else is doing much for you. You’re in love, Cam.”
Hunter’s words wrap around my lungs.
Drawing my hoodie over my head, I pull at the strings and shut out the world. It’s true. I’m in love, and maybe I’m confused because I’ve never felt like this before. With anyone. “I’m fucked.”
“You can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep dating around. It’s not fair to them, to Bo, and to you,” Hunter says.
“You can’t keep hooking up with him and giving him false hope either. That’s shitty,” Jamie agrees.
“I thought you weren’t going to judge me?” I stretch the hoodie back out so I can see them, and Jamie’s eyes soften on me.
“I’m not judging you. I’ve been you. It doesn’t end well, believe me. Just because we’re dealt a shitty hand doesn’t mean we don’t deserve good things. In fact, I’d argue we deserve them more than anyone. Peace is hard to come by. Don’t push away someone who brings it to you.”
Tightening the strings back around my face, my eyes burn so bad. I swallow thickly but it’s no use. The tears are coming and I’m trying so hard to stop them. “You guys are shitty friends.” My breath hitches. I feel so embarrassed as I give in to frustration. I jolt, feeling arms around me, as Jamie sits on one side of me and throws his arm around me. I lean into it, because fuck it, it’s been a weird-ass evening and I’m feeling a little buzzed. Why not make it more weird. I cry, and I can’t fucking stop.
Jamie laughs softly. “Sorry we’re shitty friends.” I slump against him with his arm around me.
Taking a few calming breaths, I stretch the hoodie back out, pulling it off my head. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Forget all your bullshit excuses. For one night, forget them. Focus on the one thing that actually matters.”
“What’s that?”
“If there were no consequences and you could do whatever you want, what would that be?” I lean back, looking through the windows into the woods beyond the house. What do I want? Hunter gets up, sitting close on the other side of me and squeezing my knee. If fear wasn’t a factor, what would I want? Jamie’s question is easy, but it unnerves me how quickly my brain answers it.
“I want him so fucking bad.”
There.
