Page 96 of Naughty Dreams
“A heart attack, a few years ago.” She put her hand over a man’s wedding ring, strung on a chain on her neck. A silver baby ring was with it. “He and Roy had an up and down relationship.” She paused, as if considering how to say the next part. DJ guessed the answer.
“He had a hard time knowing his boy was gay.”
“He did.” Her lips pressed together. “But not entirely for the expected reasons. He was afraid it would make Roy a target. Black had served in the Marines, and he taught Roy how to protect himself. He was proud when Roy chose to follow in his footsteps. But even if he hadn’t, Black loved him. They just couldn’t figure out how to be easy with one another.”
“Wait. His father’s name was Black Bloodwell?”
Her eyes twinkled. “Yes. And no, it was not our idea to name our child Royal. His paternal grandmother had peculiar ideas about naming. She would use runes, and claimed so passionately that it was tempting fate to go against them that no one couldrefuse her. Black had two brothers. You really don’t want to know what she named them.”
“Is there a history of mental illness in your family? I’ve seen definite obsessive tendencies in your son.”
She laughed. “No more than any other family I know. But I liked the name Roy, so I was okay with it. When she first met me, as soon as she found out my full name was Ermenegilda Marino, she told Black I was a keeper.”
DJ sobered. “I want to ask another question, but I don’t need an answer if it’s too personal.”
Gilda touched the baby ring. “You want to ask about Roy’s brother, Redding. Roy was four years younger, and Redding was very protective of him. Redding was a strong, honest and courageous boy, just like his brother. When he was of age, he intended to enter the police academy to become a New Orleans police officer.
“We lived there until Roy was in his thirties,” she explained, “then moved here to help take care of Black’s mother before she passed.”
She pressed her lips together. “Redding had a best friend named Dan, and Dan had a drug problem.”
“Shit,” DJ muttered.
“Yes.” She gripped the ring. “One night when they were seventeen, Dan was in a bad way. He went to buy drugs and Redding followed, to beg him for the hundredth time to seek help. To this day, we don’t know what happened, but Redding was shot and killed by the dealer. Dan overdosed a week later, but it was deliberate, a suicide.”
Her chin tightened and when DJ clasped her hand again, he felt a quiver in it. “He left a note saying how sorry he was, and addressed it to us. After we read it, Roy set it on fire in the kitchen sink. For weeks he drew into himself, caught in an anguish that seemed deeper than even grief. Then he wentto his father and confessed. That’s how he saw it. Confessing an unforgiveable sin and expecting punishment. Welcoming it.” Her eyes were wet.
“He told Black he’d tried to stop Redding. When Redding told him going after Dan was something he had to do, Roy demanded Redding take him for backup. Redding told him to go get his coat, and Redding left before he got back. He never would have put his thirteen-year-old brother in that kind of danger.”
Hell. If Roy had been then anything like the man he was now, losing his brother like that would have been unbearable. But not just to him. DJ took her thin hand in both of his. “I’m so sorry.” The freshness of his own loss made him hurt even more for her.
She managed a smile. “When someone says they’re sorry for an unthinkable loss, it’s automatic to say ‘it’s okay,’ isn’t it? I guess what we’re really trying to say is, ‘I’m okay. I survived it, and life is livable again.’”
“How long did that take?”
Her mouth softened as she picked up on his note of desperation. “Your hurt is deep, DJ. It’s going to take a while. You have to experience the grief, but since your bandmates would have very much liked the opportunity themselves, you owe it to them to find your way back to living your life.”
Her tone was firm, but when she turned her hand over to grip his, and placed her other hand on top, she spoke as a woman who vividly remembered being where he was now.
“You’ll have days you don’t want to get out of bed, but force yourself to find a balance. That’s how my Black helped me. He told me I could have a day in bed, but the next day I had to get out of it, get dressed, and do at least one thing. Then I could have thenextday in bed. Eventually it spread out to every two days, then once a week, then once a month.”
Despite her vision issues, as she spoke, he felt like she was staring into his soul. “For a while, I hungered for that day likenothing else. But by making me go through the motions of living, it helped return me to the real thing. It’s very, very difficult. There’s no understating it.”
She took a breath. “But if you have the will, and people who love you enough to make living matter, then you figure it out. Having another child helped, but I can tell you a terrible thing. In the beginning, it actually didn’t. Grief that large shuts you down to everything.”
She swallowed. “Roy needed me desperately at that time, because he felt like it was his fault. When we lost his father, we were both certain the heartbreak had added to the strain on his heart. Black’s relationship with Redding was…closer.”
“I’ve only known Roy a short time, but I can say with total conviction he doesn’t feel you let him down in any way on that.” DJ wanted to ease the guilt he still heard in her voice, and he could offer her that, certain it was the truth.
She nodded. “He’s told me so, many times. But it’s hard to shake, isn’t it? The wish you could have done more, seen more, been more, when things like this happen.”
“Yeah.” DJ stared at their linked hands, then looked up at her. “Why are you telling me this? I mean, I’m glad you are, but it seems very…trusting.”
“You’re falling for one another.” A tight smile touched her lips. “‘Obviously.’”
She had her son’s gift for cleverness. “And my son doesn’t fall easily,” she added.
A thump down in the basement reminded him that his solo time with Gilda was limited. “What does he need?” he asked impulsively. “He’s so contained, all the damn time.”
