Page 80 of Fall of a Kingdom
“Restless.”
“It’s more than that.” He ran a hand down his face. He had a few days’ worth of whiskers, and for the first time in a long time Duncan looked more than tired—he looked weathered and beaten. “I know I’m lucky to be alive. I could’ve died the night Da did. Should’ve, maybe. But what am I doing, Flynn? Is this really living?”
“We’re family men now,” I told him. “What do you think would happen if we try and live now like we did when we were younger? We took foolish risks and had only theillusionof invincibility. Do you want to leave Ash a widow? Do you want to leave your children fatherless?”
“Of course not,” he said automatically. “I just—nothing gets my blood pumping anymore, Flynn.”
“We’ve come a long way from picking the lock on Malcolm’s liquor cabinet and drinking all his best scotch straight from the bottle,” I remarked.
“We have money and power. We have strong, beautiful wives. We have children that will carry on our legacies, and still it’s not enough,” Duncan said quietly.
“Whatisenough?” I asked slowly. “We want for nothing, so what is this elusivethingthat’s tugging at your soul?”
“If I had the answer, do you think I’d be putting away a bottle of SINNERS with you and letting you win at poker?”
“Duncan,” I began.
He sighed. “It’s not about wanting another woman. Or even wanting another life. But I yearn for something I can’t name.” He paused his speech and gathered the cards. He began to shuffle them.
“I still pick up the phone to call him,” I said after a while.
He didn’t even pretend not to know who I was talking about. “Same. What do you think Da would tell me?”
“He’d tell you that you were being an ungrateful arsewipe who suffers from what all wealthy men suffer from—extreme boredom.”
“I think I’d like to run with the bulls in Pamplona.”
“Why not hike Everest?” I taunted.
“Maybe I will.”
“Have fun.” I saluted him in a mocking fashion.
“Don’t be so cavalier,” he snapped. “Do you have everything you’ve ever wanted? Is this how you envisioned your life? Don’t lie to me—and don’t lie to yourself.”
“We’re not talking about me,” I said, my voice low. “But before you do anything stupid, perhaps you should talk to Ash.”
“And tell her what? That I love her? That it’s not her or our marriage, or our children? How do I even explain something like this to her?”
“Is this you facing your mortality? Are you afraid this is the rest of your life?”
“Aye,” he said quietly.
“So, do something about it. Shake it up. Roll the dice.” I gestured to the billiards room. “You’re living in your late father’s home. Just because you inherited his estate and his things doesn’t mean you inherited his life, Duncan. If you’re unhappy, change your life.”
“Change it,” he repeated. “Like it’s so simple.”
“That’s just it. Itissimple.You’rethe problem. Do you know how many people blow up their lives and run off to marry someone else and start a new family, only to realize the problem wasn’t external?”
“I’m not leaving Ash or the children,” Duncan growled.
“Glad to hear it.”
“Have you never thought of leaving Barrett?” he pushed back.
“Again, this isn’t about me,” I repeated.
“Enough said.”
