Page 86 of Everything But the Earl
He wasn’t sure she did. “I read your letters.”
“Did you?”
“I admit, I am as frustrated with you as I am with myself. We both made mistakes. I spent time in London and got nowhere with my Parliament work, and I feel foolish for being so idealistic, for failing, when I could have been here with you and avoided the whole ordeal. Ishouldhave been here with you.”
“I understand why—”
“We both made mistakes—that is what I am trying to say. Perhaps we should be fair about that.”
“All right.” Grace looked confused.
“Let me ask you something.” He paused to think about how to phrase it. “When I was in London, I missed you, and I came back here thinking, as long as you were okay, I would propose having a real marriage and not just an arrangement. But only if that’s what you wanted.”
Grace’s face crumbled. She pressed her face into her hands. “I’msorry. I cry so much lately.”
“It’s all right.”
“No. You…you came here and I shocked you. And I don’t know what I thought I wanted anymore, because all I know now is that there’s distance between us, and even though you have every right to be angry with me, I hate that distance.”
He wanted to take her into his arms, but he stayed in place. He wanted to be sure they understood each other before they went any further.
The truth was, he missed her. He was upset, yes, but he could find a way to forgive her if there was some promise of a future together. They’d either stay married and lead separate lives, or they’d find a way to be together.
“It’s been hard for me,” Owen said. “I felt betrayed. I felt like I misunderstood the entire nature of our relationship. And I know you regret what happened. You don’t need to apologize again. And I know I’ve been hard on you since I came home. I had to figure out what I wanted and what I needed, and I had to adjust to this new…situation. I apologize for putting distance between us. I felt I needed to in order to… understand what is happening now. None of this is what I expected when I came home.”
“If I could do it over again, I would do things differently. You weren’t wrong, Owen. I looked forward to your letters every week, too. I missed you a great deal when you were gone. I thought that I wanted independence, but that was before we spent time together, before you sent m all those wonderful letters. You shared your life with me, and I appreciate that so much, I truly do. But it’s hard for me to share myself because I have spent my entire life hiding it from my disapproving parents. But I don’t like the way things are between us, Owen. I want to close the distance.”
Owen understood that. Yes, there’d been sexual attraction between them, but they’d connected during their honeymoon, beforethey’d ever exchanged a letter. And then, like a fool, he’d left.
“If we forgave each other, what would you want our future to be? And please be honest with me.”
She wiped her eyes and then looked up at him. “I want us to be together. I want us to raise Dafydd together. I want you to be a part of Dafydd’s life, because he deserves to have a father who cares about him, who accepts him. I mean…well, he’s only a month old, I don’t know what he deserves or not yet, I suppose, but I love him so much, and I want you to love him, too. That’s what I want.”
“Would you come with me to London if I needed to return?”
“If you were going to be away for months, then yes. This last week has been so hard because I’m so happy to have you home, but you’re not really here. And…” She started to cry again. “It’s been so hard. I don’t remember his birth. I started to feel faint, and I suppose I passed out. And I couldn’t get out of bed for a few days. I am so grateful for everyone’s help, but you weren’t here, and you should have been. But you weren’t, because of me, and I will never forgive myself for it. I didn’t understand my own feelings until he was here and you were here and I’m so sorry…”
Owen lost his nerve and pulled her into his arms. She put her arms around him and pressed her face into his shoulder. He stroked her hair.
“Grace. I forgive you. I came here wanting to have a marriage, and that is still what I want. I want to be with you and I want to raise Dafydd, and I will drag both of you all over this bloody island if that’s what it takes for us to be together. I am so sorry, Grace. I am sorry this has been so difficult for you. I am sorry I wasn’t more understanding. I’m sorry if I made everything worse. It was never my intention to make you feel bad. I was stunned by it all, I suppose.”
She was crying too hard to speak, so Owen held her. He didn’t know that they’d spent enough time together to fall in love, but the last year had changed him, that was for certain. He’d never thought hetruly wanted a wife or a son, but now he couldn’t imagine living without them.
She sat up and pulled away slightly. “Can we…well, not start over, but can we move forward?”
“Yes.”
They looked at each other for a long moment. Grace had apparently taken to wearing her hair loose around her shoulders, and Owen loved her shiny blond locks. He ran his fingers through one that rested on her shoulder. Then he cupped her cheek and kissed her.
He thought about his lonely nights London, about the glorious nights of their honeymoon, about everything he imagined they’d do together in the future. He thought about what Morfudd said.
He pulled away. “It was never my intention to punish you. I know things have been difficult. I just needed to work out my own feelings. But I think that, if we are to move forward, we must talk to each other. We must say what we feel and think. We must always be honest and tell the whole truth. I swear to you, Grace, that though I am a flawed man, I will always be fully honest with you. If you swear the same, then I think we can have a very good marriage.”
“I promise, Owen.”
He believed her. He kissed her again. And was like coming home. Grace put her arms around him and Owen held her close. This was an embrace, an understanding, a promise.
Then Grace pulled back. “Owen, I… I hope you know, I want to be able to…that is, I am in no rush to have more children, but I—”
