Page 80 of Everything But the Earl
“And I’m sure a year ago, the end of this Season seemed impossibly far away, but here it is, and I just think…”
Anthony’s stomach sank. He knew exactly what Lark was going to say. “Don’t say it.”
“Anthony.”
“I made a promise I never intended to keep to my mother.”
“No. You made a promise you intended to keep but didn’t want to follow through on.” Lark frowned. “Anthony, I love you, but one of your chief flaws is that you never think things through. You never think long-term. You like instant gratification. Which means you and I have been postponing the inevitable because it feels good and we’re fond of each other. But you have an obligation to follow through with the promise you made to your mother, no matter how loath you are to do it. And we are on the verge of getting caught.”
“You want to end our affair.”
“I don’twantto. I just think it’s the best course of action to secure our futures. You and I both knew this couldn’t last forever. It’s bad enough that we’ll have to find wives eventually. I know you imagined you’d put in a token effort to court a few women and then find all of the young misses of thetonto be wanting. I know that was your plan. And I know you think that you and I could just keep carrying on forever, as if the Samuel Gordons of the world finding out about uswouldn’t put both of our necks at the wrong end of a noose.”
“You have no intention of marrying, though.”
“I don’t know what I want anymore. Perhaps my friends settling down has made me more circumspect. Marriage has not been a priority for me, but unlike you, I do find women appealing, and I could do right by a wife, if needed.”
“Yes, but isn’t that all the more reason for me not to go through with it? I have no interest in women. I’m not even sure I could father the grandchildren my mother so desperately craves.” Anthony felt desperate to persuade Lark, and he’d been rehearsing his argument for weeks knowing this conversation was coming. He’d hoped that Lark’s love for him would postpone this situation or make Lark set it aside, but here they were.
“You must try,” Lark said.
“But why? Why should I not lead the life I want? Why should I put some woman in the untenable position of being the wife of a man who cannot love her? This is the whole reason I did not marry the Countess of Caernarfon. She was saved by Caernarfon and her own wit and beauty, but as beautiful as she is, I never desired her. I’m not built that way. I don’t know how to be a husband and father, nor do I want to be. I’ve never wanted children. I should not have made the promise to my mother. I will find a way to get out of it. Just…please, Lark. I love you. Don’t leave me.”
“I have to.” Lark’s voice was watery with emotion. “I have to let you go. It’s too dangerous for us to stay together. For both our sakes, I believe at least one of us must marry. That may have to be me. I don’t like it, but what choice do we have?”
“We have a choice!” Anthony shouted. He stood up. “There’s always a choice. I’ve been selfish insisting we stay in London. I’d rather give up the city than give up you. You want to find a house in the country where we can live together and raise sheep or dogs or horses or whatever you want? We should do that. This cannot possibly meanthe end of us.”
Lark stood as well. “I do appreciate that you are not insisting you can marry and still see me, because you don’t want to do that to your future wife. You’re a good man, Anthony. Which is how I know you will ultimately do the right thing. You know as well as I do how impossible our relationship is.”
Anthony did know. He knew he was blessed that their friends accepted them but he resented that he and Lark had to keep their relationship a secret otherwise. He knew Lark was right that they’d be hanged if another Samuel Gordon discovered them, and he knew he’d been trying his luck with Lark in public. His title and his status only got him so far, especially since he knew much of thetonthought he was frivolous. Lark had a better reputation, was well respected, and did not deserve to have Anthony bring him down.
“I don’t want to end this,” Anthony said.
“I know,” Lark said, taking a step toward him. “When we first started fooling around, I never expected to feel this way.”
“Why did we start this, then?”
“Because I thought you were unspeakably beautiful. I still think that. And I loved gossiping with you. Discovering that you have hidden depths, that you have an essential goodness to you, that was a pleasant surprise. Spending time with you has made my life better. But we can’t carry on as we have. You made a promise.”
“Did I not make a promise to you?”
“No. How could you? We cannot marry each other. We cannot stand at the front of a church and promise to love each other forever. We had almost two years together, and I am grateful for that time. I had no notion this would last so long. But we both know it has to end.”
Lark stood about a foot away from Anthony now, so Anthony closed the distance between them by putting his hands on Lark’s beautiful face and then pressing their lips together. Lark returned thekiss, closing his eyes and sinking into Anthony. He put a hand on Anthony’s arm.
Lark pulled away. He was openly crying now. “This will only get harder, the longer we postpone the end.”
“So don’t end it.”
“Anthony.”
Anthony dropped his forehead to touch Lark’s. “I know.” He did know, and it ripped him apart. He wanted to stay with Lark more than he wanted his next breath, but he knew Lark was right, that they couldn’t keep carrying on as they were.
He hugged Lark close. If this had to end, then Anthony would get his fill now. He would hold Lark for the last time, and he would make it mean something.
“Being with you has changed my life,” Anthony said. “I did not know I was capable of loving anyone as much as I love you.”
“You’ll find love again.”
