Men like Roy were evil for evil’s sake. For the fun of it.
Now here he is, standing in front of me like none of it ever happened. Charlie’s right, he did try to kill me. He also did worse than that.He nearly made me marry him.
I take in a deep, calming breath at the memories I have of having to follow Roy around like a well-trained pet, the times that I had to listen to him be mean or brag. The way he made me feel small and stupid and I had to just swallow it all down, knowing he’d been picked for me and there was no changing it unless I wanted to defy the Founders.
I would have never been brave enough to do that. No matter how much I wished I could run away or vanish into thin air and start over. Cease to exist.
The cult was my world.
My only world. My existence.
How do you leave the only world that you’ve ever known? It’s not like swapping a life or a job, it’s bigger than all of that. It’s the ground you stand on, the air you breathe. It’s the food in your belly, the way the sun hits your face and the smell of rain.
The cult was my everything.
Without Buffy forcing change and tearing it all down I would have been in that world until the bitter end. My bitter end at the edge of Roy’s knife. How could I have existed any other way?
“What is he talking about?” I repeat.
Buffy clears her throat and looks at me before she glances at Roy. “I thought it would be best if we brought on some of the others who are,” she pauses for a second before she says, “trying to rehabilitate themselves. We asked for volunteers for tonight’s patrol and they’re it.”
Rehabilitate? How can a man like Roy ever be rehabilitated? He tried to kill me. He would have enjoyed it too, even without the Founders making him do it. The gleam of the knife he held comes to me. I can see it clear as day. The way he smiled at me when I realized what was happening. How the air whistled when he swung the knife at me and I thought it was over.
Somewhere nearby a chair falls over and I jerk back into Charlie.
“Rehab?” Charlie steadies me. “Like what? A rabid rat? You don’t rehab that. You put it down.”
Roy scoffs. “Oh, you’re talking real big, Valencourt. You wanna take this outside,” he asks, jerking a thumb to the side door.
Of course, Roy wants to fight. He would. He’s a bully.
Charlie surprises me when he nods at Roy and raises his fists. “Yeah, I do. Put ‘em up, you weirdo.”
I grab his arm. “Charlie, no. He’s not worth it.”
“Tell me that after I punch his face at least twice.”
“Charlie, no. You can’t.”
“Ohhh, hiding behind your little gal pal there. Cute.”
“Fuck you,” I snap at him, “You’re a bully, Roy. You always have been.”
“Knock it off. There’s not going to be any fisticuffs,” Buffy snaps and points a finger at Roy. “You want to fight someone? Fight a demon. Then we’ll know you’re serious. You think you got what it takes? I’ve proven I do.”
Roy goes silent then, he even goes a little pale, which is a precious gift to me. He nods after a second. “Sure, I’m up for it.I wouldn't have signed on tonight if I wasn’t up for it. Isn’t that right, Lyle?” he asks, smacking my idiot cousin in the arm.
Lyle ducks his head and looks like he wants to be anywhere else but here. “I didn’t know we were going to be joining the actual fight. You said it was just going to be easy.”
“It’ll be plenty easy. You’ll see. We’ll have the Harbinger with us,” Roy says, jerking a thumb at Buffy before he looks my way. “She’s a fighter. Not dead weight accustomed to being carried like Meadow here. Isn’t that right, Buffy?”
Dead weight.
My throat goes tight. Roy always knew what to say to make me feel two inches tall.
Charlie points his finger at him. “I think that’s just about enough out-”
Buffy cuts Charlie off. “Meadow isn’t coming, if that’s what you’re asking. Now zip it and go to Wrath or I’m going to let the demons make a hat out of your rib cage.”
