Page 1 of Sweet Rule
CHAPTERONE
HONEY
The familiar sound of my phone pinging wakes me up and I reach out to swipe at it, turning the screen to my bleary eyes.
BaristApp has 11 new notifications.
“Fuck,” I murmur as I drop my phone back onto the bed. I’d come straight to this room, climbed into bed and fallen asleep. I’m still wearing the pink dress Law bought me and I frown, remembering the way he’d smiled at me when I’d put it on. He’d smiled at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
“You look beautiful, princess.”
My eyes prick, tears welling up in them and I bury my face into the sheets, my fingers gripping the pillow beneath my head tightly. “Daddy, why?” I whisper, crying in earnest now. I hadn’t cried the day, or even the night before. Sleep had come quickly and easily, it always did when I was stressed or anxious, but now the torrent of emotions I’d repressed comes out so fast and furious that it is hard for me to do anything but let it out.
I sob. I cry. I fucking curse Law’s name.
“Why?” A sob racks my body, cutting off my air, and I wish for a moment that air would stop coming into my lungs, that the rising and falling of my chest would just go still. Wonder if this is all my life is meant to be, one disappointment, one seemingly never ending grind. One lonely fucking trip with the promised destination of security, love, and belonging always just out of reach. Always on the fucking horizon. What is the point of any of it?
Why do I keep at it, day after day? Why do I continually keep showing up and pretending that tomorrow will be infinitely better? That this won’t be forever?
It is all that I have ever known, so how can I tell that to myself? I can’t believe the lie I told myself, that it would get better. That things would change. Not when this empty feeling, the hurt that digs in deep and makes itself at home in me, has been my forever. How in the hell am I going to even realize it is over and recognize good when it always endslike this?With me alone, more broken than I began and feeling like my heart has been ripped out.
With Law the sadness and loneliness I forced myself to ignore had ended. All of it had stopped with him in my life. The man had filled me up with more love and care than I have ever known. I’d felt safe enough to rest. Safe enough to call him, any place he was really,my home.
He was my everything. I’d made him into that.
But what do you do when your everything turns out to be a lie?
The answer is simple, I guess. You have nothing.
The door swings open and shuts with a bang. I gasp, jumping in surprise and feel that low part of myself that wishes I’d stop breathing get even lower.
“If I’d known you’d be crying like this I wouldn’t have come.”
“Get out.”
“That’s no way to speak to your mother.”
“I said, getout.” I fling a hand out, pointing at the door but I watch her ignore me and come inside. Rosario Magdalena Martinez has never done a damn thing she didn’t want to and it seems she is in no hurry to change that.
She arches one perfect eyebrow at me. “Really, Honey? Crying over a man? I mean, come on. How pathetic are you?”
The sorrow, the pain and sadness of losing Law, of knowing the man I’d given my heart and hopes to had been lying to me, is swept away and rage slips into its place. It is an easy switch to flip with my mother. We’ve done this dance a thousand times before. I’d thought it was over when I made it to New York City, but maybe we have a thousand more left in us.
Christ. I hope not. I’m not strong enough for that.
“I never wanted to lay eyes on you again. What the fuck are you doing in New York City? This ismycity.”
She scoffs and holds her nails out, examining the perfect manicure. “It’s really not. You’ve struggled for how many years? I mean, working as abarista?” She makes a face. “That’s kind of low rent. I would have thought you’d have made something of yourself by now.”
“You mean like a failed lounge singer?” It’s a low blow, but then again, my mother is nothing but low blows. She doesn’t play fair. Never has and never will. Her showing up in my room after what had gone down with Law is proof of that.
Of course she would come to kick me when I was down. She loves this.
She grins at me. “Ouch. You know where to swing, kid.”
“What do you want?” I sit up and throw the covers back, standing shakily. Being on my own two feet does something to even the playing field. It’s hard to not feel vulnerable when you've been caught in bed sobbing into your pillow with a broken heart. “Does Zeus know you’re here?”
Her face darkens. “You’ve caught his eye for all of five minutes and now you want to bring him into this? You think he’s going to kiss this all better?”
