Page 2 of Sugar and Spice
“The man is a lecher. He deserves to never have butter again,” I told her once I was a safe distance from the piping bag. “He’s lucky I don’t go over there right now and destroy the butter he has.”
“That did suck,” she replied, nodding. Suddenly she threw her hands out, “But what if I told you that can all be in the past?”
I pulled a face. “It’s not going to be in the past, Piper. That damn judge said my macaron was like eating a hockey puck. My macaron was light as fucking air, and sheknewit. But Austin had her dickmatized enough that she did his bidding like a sexy blonde minion! That man is the devil and I would throw his butter in the river every day of the week if I was given the chance.”
Piper’s shoulders slumped and she rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Okay, but like, what about a plan that would have younotdoing that?”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “A plan? What plan? Why is there a plan where I don’t get to chuck Austin’s butter? I love chucking his butter.”
“I am just saying what if you got along with him?” She tilted her head to the side and then added, “Wait by ‘chucking his butter’ do you mean something sexual? Because we can work that into the plan. I can work with unrealized sexual desire and tension. I really, really, can. Please tell me ‘chucking’ is sexual. Pretty please.”
“Why the fuck would I do that? I’d rather die than do anything sexual with Austin’s butter.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Explain what you’re going on about. And if you use the phrase ‘unrealized sexual desire and tension’ to describe Austin and I, I’m going to have an issue. What do you know, Piper?”
“I-well, I mean, it’s not that I know. It’s more that someone told me,” she began, hands wringing together in front of her.
“Told you what?” I asked, cutting her off. Her eyes slid away from me and I snapped my fingers at her. “Hey, what did you hear?”
“You aren’t going to like it.”
“Spill, or I’m going to put you on oven cleaning duty for the next month,” I threatened.
“Fine! I heard that a reality television show is coming through town to film a mini-series on what it’s like to live on the edge of civilization.”
“Why does that have anything to do with Austin and me getting along?” There were a number of television crews that came through town every so often with the same aim. It was a little annoying, because while Clarity was in nowhere Alaska, it didn’t mean that we were fighting bears in the streets….okay, we did but it wasjust the two timesand it was over fast, but still, this wasn’t news.
Piper closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath. “They want to do a mini-series on local businesses an-and I don’t knowhow,but they think you two are...well, that-that-”
“That we are what?” I pushed, not liking how fast Piper was backing away from me and towards the door. “That we arewhat, Piper?”
“Married,” she whispered.
“What the fuck. How?” I bellowed and she flinched, eyes popping open.
“I—well, I mean, it’s my fault. Me. I told them you were married. I did it! I confess! It was me!”
My mouth fell open, and for a second, neither of us said a word until I let out a single screech. “Piper!”
Her hands went to her hair and she pulled on it. “I know! I didn’t mean for it to happen! I was drunk, so fucking drunk when I left that voicemail, okay? I just started word vomiting into the voicemail and I didn’t even know what I was saying!”
“A voicemail? A voicemail to who? Saying what?” I turned away from her and started pacing, I stopped and whirled back to look at her. “What do you mean ‘word vomit’? You word vomit innocent facts like that you can’t hold your liquor or are convinced Sasquatch is real, not that your boss is married to the biggest asshole in town!”
Piper’s hands flew out and she drew herself up to her full height, which wasn’t much seeing as I had five inches on her 5’5. “Hey! There have been credible reports around Clarity fordecades, all right? My beliefs are not that far-fetched…and,” she stopped and swallowed hard seeing the look on my face, “you’re going to murder me, aren’t you? Oh my god, I finally found your limit and this is how it ends.”
I nodded and took a step towards her. “Ohhh, yeah. I’m going to bury you in the woods. No one will ever find you. Not even Sasquatch,” I told her quietly.
Her eyes went wide and she backpedaled until she hit the front counter. “You’re real spooky when you want to be, boss lady. But before you get to the murdering, you should know that all I wanted to do was help,” she told me with a nervous giggle when I didn’t stop coming towards her.
“And how did telling them I was married to Austinhelp?”
“Because the reality series wanted local business stories and,” she gave her hair another tug and shook her head, “I saw the feature and I thought it would be good for us after, you know, the macaron thing.”
That stopped me. Piper did have a good heart, even if her methods were...scattered. I sighed and crossed my arms, some of the anger already seeping out of me at her explanation. “Get to the drunken voicemail, or I’m gonna get back to the murdering plan,” I warned.
Piper gave a nervous laugh and cleared her throat. “Okay, but I just want to say you’re going to laugh and that it-it’s a really interesting story. I mean we are all going to laugh when this is all over, like years from now, you know?” I glared at her and she hurried on. “All I wanted to do was try and make up for that terrible judge. I was so down about it because we should have won! And you know how much I like merlot, and my mom gave me a whole magnum bottle of it. You know, those huge ones that you normally only see on display and you never really think anyone can drink all of it, but then someone gifts you one when you’re low and y-you try andyou do it.” I raised an eyebrow at her. She gulped and continued. “I drank that whole damn bottle and I called them, but I just started talking. I said that you two were the best bakers, even if he was an asshole, and that you two hated each other, but that it was only because...because…” Her voice dropped, words trailing off.
“Because what, Piper? Spit it out.”
“Because you wanted to bang each other like screen doors in a hurricane.” My mouth fell open at her admission “And that you guys just needed to get married already.”
