Page 59 of The Notorious Lord Knightly
Desperately he wanted to look away, but she deserved to know the truth, to know everything, and in the end, he had little doubt she’d be grateful she wasn’t his wife. “Not my birth, but my reaction to the bargain he proposed.” After swallowing hard, he forced out the words that he’d never shared with a soul. “I told him to go rot in hell. I had an appointment to keep. I left for the church, determined to leave my mother to her fate. Because I wanted you more than I wanted to save her.”
A long silence followed. Her thumb skimmed repeatedly over his knuckles. “But you didn’t,” she said quietly, “you didn’t abandon her.”
“But what sort of son—what sort ofman—does it make me that I almost did? Selfish, cruel, undeserving of happiness. Disgusting.”
“Arthur, your father”—she shook her head—“the duke was asking you to alter the plans you’d made for your life... and not only your life but mine. Under the circumstances, anyone would need a moment to consider and reflect. Besides, it’s in your nature to run odds and analyze. You never make decisions on a whim. I suspect that’s the reason he waited to bring all this to you on the morning you were to wed rather than when we made our betrothal announcement. If he’d given you time, you’d have undoubtedly found another solution, another way to save her and to have me.”
“I don’t know about that. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t consider what I might have done differently. The carriage ride to the church felt like the longest journey of my life.” Years of lies and deceit had bombarded him. How could he inflict them on her? She had been his most precious truth. “I almost ordered my coachman to not stop, to carry on past St. George’s... but I couldn’t leave you to face the blastedtonalone. Still, I do regret how I handled matters. I thought you’d be spared the worst of it if they believed the decision was yours.”
“They never find fault with one of their own. Especially when he charmed so many of them, as you did. Still do.”
He couldn’t smile at her teasing, not when the guilt still ate at him.
“Then I bungled things with you as well. It’s possible I could have convinced him to let the marriage go ahead, if I swore that we’d have no children. But the only way toguaranteeno offspring was to never make love to you. I couldn’t deny you children and pleasure. If we didn’t marry but stayed together by living in sin, we could have children, but they’d be bastards. Knowing the trials and tribulations you endured growing up, I refused to ask that of you. I determined, stupidly, it would be easier for you in the long run if I could make you hate me. So I lied. I wanted no other women. You must believe that.”
“I do. Now. You were quite convincing before. My mother could have taken lessons in acting from you.” She lifted her hand from his and cupped his cheek. “You did succeed quite magnificently in making medespise you. So strongly. Frighteningly in fact. The hatred was almost a physical presence, a burning that fairly set me ablaze. However, in a strange way it was a gift, really. It helped to mold the strength I needed to carry on, the fortitude to face an uncertain future with certainty.”
Placing his hand over hers, he held it while turning his head and pressing a kiss against the heart of her palm. “I’m so sorry, Reggie. I should have found a way to make it easier for you.”
“Arthur, learning I couldn’t have you as my husband never would have been easy. If not for the fury and hatred, I would have felt despair and been overwhelmed with such sadness I might have never left my bed. Instead, I was determined to prove I didn’t need you—didn’t need any man. My father, in his desperation to see me wed, had convinced me that I did.Societyhad convinced me that I did. But I don’t.”
But he knew her daughter was another matter. The innocent always were. Now Regina was making decisions to protect her child just as he’d made decisions to protect his mother. Her resolution would lead her to marrying another, and he had to make peace with it. “I need you to know that I loved you.”Love you still. The woman you were then; the woman you are now.
Tears welled in her lovely brown eyes as she brushed the strands of hair back from his brow. “Do you know I love you all the more for the choice you made?”
“Ah, Christ.” No matter the hardships it had caused her, she understood the dilemma he’d facedand didn’t blame him for rescuing his mother rather than marrying her. “You make it so damned hard not to love you.”
Then his mouth was on hers, and she opened herself up to him, welcoming him. It wasn’t like before, beside the stream. Too much past had flavored that kiss. Now the burden he’d been carrying seemed lighter—although it would never leave him completely. She was still not his to have and to hold forever, but maybe for one more night. She wasn’t yet betrothed to Chidding. Perhaps she never would be. She understood now that Knight couldn’t marry her, so he wasn’t offering her any sort of false hope. She knew the truth of the situation, and having told her, he felt somewhat untethered.
But also sorrowful, because as she ran her fingers through his hair, he was acutely reminded of what he’d given up, was giving up. A woman he thoroughly enjoyed being with. She’d held him enthralled from the moment he’d met her.
He loathed the duke for not revealing the truth sooner, before he fell in love with such a remarkable woman. But then he suspected the old man had waited until he’d known Knight would suffer greatly, to allow him to experience the joy and then to snatch it away. More devastating to have loved and lost, to have had a gauge for assessing the immeasurable pain. It had all been a game, a game the duke had judged he would eventually win, and the innocent, unsuspecting boy who had grown up in his household would pay a heavy price for not being of his blood. Punished for what had never been his fault, forsomething over which he’d had no control. Diabolical and cruel.
But Reggie’s tongue tangling with his, her hands skimming over his shoulders were a salve, a balm to all the wounds he’d received that long-ago morning, wounds not yet properly healed. Because guilt and the injuries he’d inflicted on Regina had caused them to continually fester.
Reaching for her, without separating their mouths, he dragged her onto his lap so he could more easily access all he desired—all he would desire until he drew his last breath. She was all that was good, bold, and kind. Even her act of revenge had done no real damage to him, but it threatened her, and he would do whatever necessary to ensure she didn’t suffer for it.
But for now, all he wanted was the pleasure. All he wanted was her back in his arms.
Regina didn’t know if it was all the reminiscing she’d done while in the theater box, or the fury that had been undulating through her during the journey here, or the anger she’d been able to only partially unleash upon her arrival, or finally knowing the full story behind his perceived betrayal, but all her senses were attuned. Want, need, and desire were rampaging through her. He had loved her. Loved her still. She loved him.
While her broken heart was no longer perfect, the shards put back into place but still revealing cracks, she felt more whole than she had in a good long while. Just as she’d needed the kiss by the stream, she needed what he was offering her now. One finalcoming together, one proper goodbye. She couldn’t have him forever, but she could have him tonight. She would take it and allow it to wash away the last remnants of hurt that had lingered for far too long.
Sliding his mouth from hers, he journeyed along her throat. She dropped her head back to give him easier access to the sensitive skin.
“You still smell of gardenia,” he purred.
She smiled. “You smell of sandalwood. I think you bathed before I arrived.”
“Mmm.” Placing his hand on the back of her head, he tipped it down until their eyes met. “I want to do more than kiss you.”
“I want you to do more than kiss me.”
With a moan, he pressed his face against her bosom and clutched her to him. “I’ve missed you more than you’ll ever know, but after tonight... you may not need a man, but your life will be easier with a husband.”
It wasn’t a proposal. He wasn’t going to marry her. It was a proclamation that he was giving her up. She still experienced the tiniest pinch of hurt, but she had a greater understanding of the sacrifice he was making. He could have asked her to be his mistress. She wasn’t altogether certain she’d have said no. Instead, he was acknowledging how much legitimacy meant to her. As she’d told him, she wasn’t her mother’s daughter. She didn’t want to follow that path of beingkept, of being the reviled object of unkind gossip, of living with a questionable reputation. She wanted, needed, deserved the respectability that had been denied her all her life. She rested her cheek on the top of his head. “I know. But I think we need a proper goodbye, to putthe past fully behind us, so we can both move forward with more clarity.”
He chuckled low, darkly, seductively. “I was thinking more along the lines of animpropergoodbye.”
