Page 80 of The Duchess in His Bed
Guilt pricked her conscience because she couldn’t offer him more.
Chapter 22
A little over two weeks later, Aiden strode into his private chambers and saw Lena gazing out the window, a subdued excitement vibrating off her. They had settled into a routine: she’d let herself into his lodgings and a footman would discreetly alert Aiden to her arrival. Shortly thereafter, he would join her here. Sometimes they’d have dinner and share stories from their day or he’d tell her about changes he was planning for the club or she’d share the gossip an occasional visitor brought her.
He wanted to expand their world beyond these chambers, but he was very much aware that even if her mourning period didn’t dictate their seclusion, her disgrace at being seen consorting with him would.
Three of his siblings had landed themselves noble spouses, but none of them had families dependent upon them maintaining a reputation above reproach. None of them had sisters whose future well-being and prospects for a good marriage could be destroyed because of their choices. None of them had stared at the possibility of losing so very much.
As he neared, she turned away from the window and gave him a tremulous smile, tears welling. “I’m with child.”
Having been with her every night with no impediments to their lovemaking surfacing, he wasn’t taken by surprise, didn’t ask if she was certain. Still her words slammed into him with the force of a hard punch to his solar plexus, making it impossible to draw in air, and without thought, he dropped his gaze and flattened his palm against her belly as though he’d be able to feel movement, could connect with the babe that was growing inside her, had probably been doing so for close to a month already. It was difficult to believe she’d been in his life for not much longer than that when each night spent with her seemed unlike any that had come before.
She placed her hand over his. “I’ve suspected for a couple of weeks now but was afraid to get too hopeful. The physician confirmed it this afternoon. I’d always feared I was barren. That it was my fault Lushing had no heir.” A sob escaped and she pressed her fingers to her mouth. “I’m so happy.”
He drew her into his arms, held her near, wondered if she could hear the thudding of his heart as joy spiraled through him. The elation was unexpected, but he found he wanted to shout from the rooftops that this remarkable woman would be bringing his child into the world. And yet the world must never know. And just like that, the bubble of gladness burst as reality demanded acknowledgment.
“Then why the tears?” He was pleased his voice came out strong and clear, in spite of the knot in his throat that was threatening to strangle him. This bairn would secure Lena’s place among the aristocracy, would ensure she could see her sisters well situated. She would raise the child at Sheffield Hall. Aiden could never give her so fine a residence, an estate, no matter how full his coffers.
“Women weep when they’re happy.”
“Have you told anyone?”
“No, not yet.” Leaning back, she held his gaze. “I wanted to share the news with you first. But I will have to make an announcement very soon to lessen any doubt that this babe is Lushing’s.”
He’d gone into this scheme knowing the terms, and yet it was more difficult than he’d expected to relinquish his fatherhood, to be reminded that this child would never know the true circumstances of how he’d come to be. He’d never know that he’d been conceived in love and sacrifice.
Breaking away from him, she returned to the window and gazed out. “This child will gain so much. We will hold on to everything. My sisters will benefit.” She faced him. “Our place in Society is assured. They will marry well. But they’ll never know how much they owe to you. And that I regret.”
“I didn’t do it for their damn gratitude.”
“Why did you do it?”
Because I love you. Because you asked it of me.He shrugged. “I appreciate a well-executed dodge. For the estates this child will inherit, and if it’s a boy for the titles as well. And it certainly wasn’t a hardship to have you in my bed. But I’ve served my purpose. It’s time for our association to come to an end.”
Her brow wrinkled as though she could sense that he was distancing himself, building a wall around his heart. He hadn’t expected it to go up so quickly.
But he’d come to understand that they could not continue as they had been: living in a narrow world that only encompassed the two of them, keeping to the shadows. While he thrived in them, it was no life for her. She deserved nights at the theater, waltzing in glittering ballrooms, drives through the park with a man beside her who brought her pride. Not one who catered in sin.
He finally understood why Finn had risked so much for Lavinia, had dared to love a girl who could bring him naught but heartache. For as bitter as the pain was, there was a sweetness to it as well in knowing that he was capable of such depth of emotion. Yet he knew he would never feel for another what he felt for Lena. And because of how much she meant to him, he knew he had to let her go now, before she was swelling with a bairn he could never publicly acknowledge. Each passing night would only make it more difficult to do what must be done for the good of all: walk out of her life.
“No.” She cradled his jaw. “We agreed to continue to see each other.”
“Are you going to march down the stairs without wearing a mask? Are you going to stroll through the gaming floor at my side with your features on display for all to see?”
“Well, no, of course not. I’m not even two months a widow yet. I can’t have people thinking I turned to you within days of my husband’s death. But perhaps in two or three years—”
Always there would be a dishonesty to their public relationship, a hiding of the truth. Always he would need to protect her and his child from gossipmongers. Holding her hand against his jaw, he turned his face into it and pressed a kiss against the palm that had caressed him so lovingly and would never do so again. “It’s been fun, sweetheart, but we both knew it was only for a short time, and that added to the thrill. From experience I know boredom is a mere short distance away. You were fooling yourself if you thought otherwise.”
“You can’t mean that.” Jerking her hand out from beneath his, she appeared stricken, and he wondered if he could locate someone to flay his back before dawn, even as he knew turning her away unmercifully was the kindest thing he could do.
“I’ll want to see the child, of course. In secret.” Always in secret because they couldn’t risk anyone noting any similarities in appearance between the twelfth Duke of Lushing and a man who owned a gaming hell and a notorious club that catered to women’s fantasies. “We’ll work out the details later. Send word when you’ve given birth.” He was amazed by how cool he was able to keep his tone when everything inside him was being shredded into useless bits.
Fire burned in her eyes. He preferred the fire to the sorrow, knew she would find the strength to move forward. It was one of the reasons he loved her. She would not be cowed or deterred. “It seems I misjudged you, Aiden Trewlove.”
“More’s the pity. I’ll walk you to your carriage.”
“Don’t bother. I can see myself out.”
