Page 101 of Beyond Scandal and Desire
He squeezed his eyes shut. “Originally yes.” He opened his eyes, longed to cradle her face between his hands, draw her in and just hold her. “But then I came to know you, and you sent all my plans for you to hell. You don’t realize how courageous you are, and that makes you braver still. You gave no thought at all to the dangers when you saved Will. You didn’t hesitate to let Mary go. You’re curious about the lives of those who live outside the aristocracy, yet you don’t judge. At Cremorne, you accept that sometimes people are forced to do things Society frowns upon in order to survive. At my affair, you walked among bankers, bakers—” he lifted a corner of his mouth “—and candlestick makers, men with rough hands, and women with rough lives, and you never looked down on them. You never looked down on me. That first night, you spoke with Fancy as though you’d be equals in a ballroom.”
She scoffed lightly. “You give me too much credit.”
“I did not give you enough. You let me touch you when I believed myself marred with filth.”
“And here you are. Now you could have a dukedom.”
He hadn’t been raised to oversee a dukedom, to sit in Parliament, to be addressed as “Your Grace.” But he was intelligent enough to learn, to adjust, to adapt. He had no doubts there. But what place would his mum, his brothers, his sisters have in that world? He would make a place for them, see them accepted—
But how to explain them and his absence all these years? The secrets behind his existence were certain to come out, to create undeserved pain for all involved.
“We can’t erase thirty years, pretend they didn’t happen. I can’t step into a role that another has been groomed to hold.”
“It happens all the time. An heir dies, upending the life of the next in line.”
“I don’t need a dukedom. I think Kipwick does. Who is he without it? Who am I with it?” He lifted his shoulders, dropped them back down. “I am the same man either way. I didn’t realize it until you. For so long, I believed if people knew I had blue blood coursing through my veins, I would be accepted by all. I wanted that acceptance, I craved it with as strong a ferocity as Kipwick craves his next win at the tables. It was an addiction, an obsession. Until I found something I wanted more—you.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “You broke my heart. I trusted you with every aspect of me.”
“I know, and I didn’t deserve your trust, your affections. I came here today with the intention of winning you back.” He shook his head. “Not in one go. I didn’t expect you to forgive me from the start. I wouldn’t ask you to. But I thought if I could convince you to give me a chance, to perhaps start anew, that I could convince you slowly, over time, that I was worthy of you. I was willing to take as long as it took.”
She said nothing, merely studied him as though searching for the truth and fearing what it might be. He’d done that to her. The duchess had given her years of admonishments regarding the dangers in the world, but it had taken him to prove that trust couldn’t be easily given. She was so beautiful standing there in the waning light that it hurt. It hurt to know he’d brought her pain and sadness. It hurt that he had disappointed her. It hurt to know that he had to walk away.
“I know you love the duke and duchess dearly.” He looked to the darkening sky. “Kipwick as well in some manner.” He returned his gaze, his attention, his focus to her. “I came here today because I love you, Aslyn. But I understand now that in trying to win you over, I would be forcing you to choose me over them, and I cannot ask that of you.”
Her delicate brow furrowed. “I don’t understand.”
“They are your family.”
“They’re yours, as well. You’re their son. They see that, they understand it.”
“But it’s not enough. In some ways, it’s crueler that I am. I am not a product of what happened to the duchess, but I am a reminder of it. Even if we tell no one the truth, how do we explain my presence? I resemble Hedley too much for there not to be speculation, for there not to be the whisper of scandal. Their happiness and well-being—as well as yours—is best served by my absence.”
“So you come here today, make me start falling a little bit in love with you all over again, and leave, never to return?”
“I can’t be in their lives. I can’t be in yours. Don’t marry Kipwick. You will find someone else more deserving, more deserving than either he or I. You are worth so much, and somewhere there is a man who will realize it.”
He didn’t give her time to reply, to comment, to convince him he was wrong. He simply started striding out of the gardens, knowing if he stayed a minute longer, he was going to take her into his arms and never let go.
Chapter 24
When a knock sounded in the dead of night, Ettie Trewlove knew what it meant: someone was leaving a babe at her door.
But a knock during the day was another matter entirely. It wasn’t one of her children. They always barged in, making themselves at home, because thiswastheir home, even if they no longer lived here.
So she was a bit curious regarding her caller. Still, when she opened the door, she was taken by surprise at the sight of the man standing there. He hadn’t aged particularly well, but then guilt tended to eat at a person, and she liked to believe that everyone who left their troubles with her suffered a little bit for it when they walked away. “Your Grace.”
“Did you know from the beginning who I was?” he asked.
“Not until I saw the crest on the blanket.”
He nodded. “You did an excellent job raising my son.”
She gave him a pointed look. “He weren’t yours. He became mine the second you placed him in my arms.”
“You’re right. Still I appreciate the life you gave him.”
“He ain’t done too bad for himself.”
