Page 193 of Midnights
And it’s not just about Kane. It’s not just the lies or the ball or the fact that his ridiculouscastlesomehow makes me feel even more out of place than I already do.
It’severything.
The months of uncertainty, the weight of trying to figure out who I even am. It’s like every frustration, every bottled-up emotion I’ve been avoiding, picked tonight to break free.
I replay the night in my head, and even through the mess of my emotions, I can’t ignore the magic of it all. The dress, the music, the way he looked at me like I was the only person in the room.Well, aside from that beautiful blonde woman. And that kiss…God, that kiss. It was more than I ever expected. More than I’ve allowed myself to want in a long time.
But now? Now it just feels like everything I’ve been trying so hard to do just unraveled at my feet.
I thought Kane was different. I thought…well, I don’t even know what I thought. And maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I shouldn’t have let myselfthinkanything at all.
I swipe at my cheeks, the tears coming faster than I can wipe them away. The driver’s probably watching me in the rearview mirror, thinking I've completely lost it. And honestly? Maybe I have.I feel like I have.
A small, bitter laugh escapes me, surprising even myself.
I probably don’t have the right to even be upset. I’ve known him for what, five minutes? And it’s not like I’ve been completely honest with him either.
Hell, I didn’t tell him the truth about my fat lip. I didn’t tell him about the creep that was running around in the garden. At hiscastle!
The smell of rain drifts through the car vents, cutting through the frustration knotting in my chest. The steady hum of the rain against the windows, and the thunder rolling in this distance, should be pulling me out of this tangled mess of emotions.
But it doesn’t.
Lightning slices through the sky, flooding the dark countryside in a white-hot glow before disappearing just as quickly. The storm doesn’t hesitate, it moves exactly the way it was meant to. Wild and refusing to apologize for its destruction.
Must be nice.
I hate that I'm hurt when IknowI shouldn't be. We were having a great time, more than great, if I’m being honest. And if we hadn’t stopped when we did… God. I’d be spending the rest of my life replaying every second of it.
Maybe it’s for the best we didn’t cross that line.
But no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about him, he’s right there.
The way he just knelt down, how his hands felt sliding up my thighs like they were his to claim.
My skin heats just thinking about it.
It was pure insanity.And so fucking hot.
Before we walked into his office, my mind was running wild with a thousand dirty things I wanted to let him do to me. And now I’m glad I didn't act on any of them, considering how pissed I am. Because if I had, I’d be even angrier at myself right now.
This is exactly why I swore off men in the first place. So I wouldn't end up here. Angry. Frustrated. And second-guessing every single decision thatled to me letting him anywhere near my self-control.And I wouldn’t still be horny as fuck.
The driver keeps glancing at me in the rearview mirror, probably trying to gauge if I’m about to lose it. Poor guy looks like he’d rather launch himself out of the car than deal with that. I almost laugh but swallow it back.
Then out of nowhere, a strange wave of wrongness crashes over me.
My stomach flips, and queasiness rolls through me like a sudden drop in altitude. My heart starts hammering like I just ran a mile and all I can hear is a sharp ringing in my ears as my head pounds. I press my fingers to my temple, squeezing my eyes shut.
Inhale. Exhale.
I try to shut it down, but a memory pushes through instead. The soft click of my grandmother’s knitting needles breaking the silence.
I can see her now, curled up in her chair, lost in her stories the way she always was. I’d stretch out by the fire, soaking in the warmth while her voice filled the room. Sometimes she got so carried away, she’d forget I was even there. More than once, I’d startle her when I got up for bed. Or when she tripped over me, realizing I’d fallen asleep on the rug.
And as I sit here, drenched in my own thoughts, that familiar ache settles deep in my chest.
“You know,” she begins, her voice thoughtful. “They really did find happiness. For a while, it seemed like they’d figured out how to make things work. No one could have guessed how it would all fall apart.”
