Page 18 of Play Hard
And I had wanted her love, more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life before or since.
Then, as if relieved or resigned to getting that out of the way, she squared her shoulders and cleared her throat. “But my father and brothers didn’t think that was a good idea.”
The ball of rage that had formed in the pit of my stomach at seeing Timmy standing so close to her a short while ago was nothing in comparison to the fury that began to brew at her words.
“Sawyer came to see me that morning and swore he’d make life miserable for you and I couldn’t let that happen.” She shook her head as if saying the words were somehow physically painful. “I’m not offering excuses, Noah. I’m just clearing the air once and for all.”
My mind whirled with memories and pain ripped fresh and new through my soul.
I had walked into her apartment late that afternoon, ready to see my girl. To touch and kiss on her the way I always did because I was incapable of keeping my hands off her whenever we were near. So, the minute the door was closed behind me, I went in for a hug, but Serra had backed away.
“I need to know where this is going,” she said, her tone serious.
I frowned. “We’re going to get pizza and bowling. At least that’s what you said Chandler and Marlee wanted to do.” Her roommate wasn’t there so I’d assumed her and her boyfriend were meeting us at the pizza place.
She shook her head. The tips of the long corn rows she had draped over her shoulders moved slightly. “I mean you and me. Where is this thing between us going?”
The subject had taken me totally off guard and it took a minute for me to gather my bearings. “I…well, I thought we were having fun.”
A bark of laughter shot from her. It wasn’t cheerful at all. “That’s it? The things I let you do to my body, the things I do to your body. They’re all just for fun? Wow! I mean, you could go online and pay for fun pussy, Noah. Why bother with me?”
“Whoa. Hold the fuck up! Where is all this coming from?” Because now I was getting pissed. If I’d done something, said something, I needed her to put that shit out there so I could correct it. But these curveballs she was tossing at me were pissing me off.
“It’s coming from the fact that we’ll be graduating in a few months and then what? I’ll go off to law school and you’ll do what? Run back to your hometown? Or get into your car and drive off into the sunset? What are your plans, Noah? For the future and for us?” She was shouting, which was unlike her. In the nine months we’d been a couple we’d had maybe two serious arguments and neither time had she raised her voice. Serra was a born lawyer, her wit and words could slice down any defense I ever came up with in seconds. She’d never needed to raise her voice to bring me to my knees.
“You know I said I wasn’t sure where I’d land career-wise, that’s why I enrolled in the general studies program. And you also know I’m not planning on going back to Providence,” I told her.
“But what I don’t know is where I fit into your open plans,” she shot back.
“Serra, baby, where is all this coming from?” I took a step toward her and she immediately stepped back. She actually winced when she moved like she thought I would what, hit her?
I shook my head, confusion giving way to irritation that was bound to push me into a place I did not want to go to with her. “Okay,” I said, dragging a hand down my face. “Let’s just take a breath. If you want to talk about our future, cool, let’s sit down and talk this out.”
“No!” she shouted. “It’s too late for the calm conversations. We’ve had so many of those, Noah. Late nights after watching movies or having sex. Early mornings while lying in your bed. In your car parked somewhere.” She waved a hand at those words like she couldn’t understand why we’d done that.
But she did understand. We laughed about it on more than one occasion. We had cellphones, her dorm room, my apartment, any number of places or ways in which we could communicate, but sometimes those spur of the momentconversations started while we were in the car, were best finished there as well. It had never mattered to me as long as we were together.
“If you can’t make the promises I need, Noah, then you can just go now.” That was her closing argument. It was spoken with a somber finality that left room for very little deliberation.
Still, I blinked and asked, “What the hell are you saying?” Because it had better not be what I thought it was. She had better not be sending me on my way after I’d opened up to her, laid my soul at her feet, and prayed she would be gentle with its frayed edges.
“I’m saying that this is the part of the game where I show my cards and if you don’t have anything in your hand to continue to compete, then you fold and walk away.”
The analogy ran back to the many nights we’d played poker with Marlee and Chandler because both Marlee and Serra knew how to play that game from the free game apps offered on their phones. Neither of them knew how to play Spades, which was me and Chandler’s preference. So, we’d done as guys often do, and given the girls their way.
But I couldn’t give Serra her way this time. She was pressing me for a commitment I hadn’t given any thought to. In truth, I knew that I loved being with Serra, that I was in love with her, but I had no clue how that was going to look in the next four months when we graduated. I had no idea how a healthy and rewarding romantic relationship was supposed to look. My mother had never had one, and I had no idea where my father was or if he had the same luck.
“I don’t know what you want, Serra,” I told her and that was partially true. I thought she’d wanted what I did: to continue enjoying each other without any rules or titles. Obviously, I was wrong.
“I want a man I’ll be able to depend on,” she said. “Someone I can build with, that I can trust. I want forever.”
“I’ve been your man for nine months,” I told her. “In that time there’s been nothing that you wanted for or needed that I didn’t provide. There were no moments that you had to doubt me or my dedication to you. I gave you everything I had, Serra.”
Her eyes were full of tears by then, her lips trembling as she spoke those last words, “If everything doesn’t last forever, then I don’t want it.”
We stood there, locked in silence for I don’t even know how long. But those tears spilled down her cheeks and while my fingers tingled with the urge to wipe them away, to wrap my arms around her and hug her until whatever this was went away, I didn’t. I knew what abandonment looked like. Had seen it time and time again on my mother’s face. Had felt it every day of my life with the knowledge that my father had never wanted anything to do with me. I didn’t like it and I swore it would never happen to me again.
“You made me leave you,” I said when my mind was once again focused on the here and now. On the woman standing barely eight feet away from me. “You started that argument with me, after we’d already agreed on what we wanted from our relationship, because your brother told you to?”
