Page 43 of Brushed and Buried
“Answer the fucking question, Adrian.”
“Because I was eighteen and stupid. Because I thought I was protecting you.”
“Protecting me from what?”
“From everything!” The words explode out of him, raw and anguished. “From them, from me, from everything trying to ruin your life! You had everything ahead of you, scholarships,a future, and I was just some confused kid who couldn’t even figure out who he was, let alone what he wanted.”
I stare down at him, anger flooding my chest with searing heat. “So, you made that choice for both of us.”
“I made what I thought was the best choice at that time.” Adrian looks up at me, his face streaked with tears. “When you started avoiding me in high school after everything went down, I got the message. It was clear as fucking day to me that you didn’t want me anymore. And it all made sense. I was so scared of holding you back, of not being enough for you, that I convinced myself letting you go was indeed the right thing to do.”
“And now?” The words barely make it past my lips. “What’s different now?”
Adrian is quiet for so long, I think he won’t answer. When he finally speaks, his voice is barely a whisper.
“Now I’m still terrified I’m not enough for you, that I’ll never be able to give you what you deserve. But I’m more terrified of losing you again.”
The honesty in his voice breaks something open in my chest, but I can’t let it. I can’t let myself hope when I know how easily he can walk away.
I don’t know how to get past the fact that he gave up on us, if there was even an “us”, just like that. Adrian always has this power to make me lose my mind, make me lose reason, make me forget why I am supposed to be mad at him in the first place. I saw myself knocking down walls in days when I spentyears building them up. Yeah, that’s Adrian Fucking Callahan for you.
“I don’t know how to stay.” Adrian’s voice cracks on the admission. “I don’t know how to fit into your world without destroying everything you’ve built.”
“So, you know what’s best for me. Thank you for your concern. How convenient that you want to run away now, now that you have your ‘material’ for your art exhibit.”
“I’m not running!” Adrian struggles to his feet, his face flushed with anger and pain. “I’m still just trying to figure this out!”
“So, what do you want, Adrian?” I’m shouting now, years of hurt and confusion pouring out. “Because I’m drowning here and I need to know if there’s even a place for me in your life beyond your art!”
“I want everything!” The confession rips out of him like he’s been holding it back for years. “I want to wake up next to you and fight about stupid things and support your career and build something real together. But I don’t know how to do that when you look at me like I’ve destroyed you, like I am the very reason you hate the world! How can I fix that without ruining you even more?”
The words hit like a punch to the gut because he’s right. I have been waiting for him to leave, building walls before he can tear them down again.
“Because that’s what you do. That’s what happened before. It all started when you kissed me, Adrian.” I whisper, and my voice sounds broken even to me. “I wish you hadn’t. Our lives would have been so much simpler.”
“Yes, maybe I shouldn’t have, but not a day has passed without me reliving that kiss, Vince.” Adrian steps toward me, his hands reaching out like he wants to touch me but doesn’t dare. “God, you were perfect. You are perfect. That’s the problem.”
“Don’t.” I back away from him, almost panicking that I might give in. “Don’t make this about me being perfect when you’re the one who can’t commit to anything beyond your next project.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it?” The words come out sharp, cutting. “You’ve got your inspiration back, your manager is happy, your career is saved. What else do you need me for?”
Adrian’s face goes white, like I’ve slapped him. “Is this really what you think of me?”
The hurt in his voice almost breaks me, but I can’t back down, not when I’m this close to protecting myself from the inevitable. The situation needs to hurt enough so he can understand how devastating it’s been for me all these years.
“And what about you?” Adrian’s voice rises, desperate now. “You talk about fighting for something real, but you won’t even let yourself believe I could want that too. You’ve already decidedI’m going to leave you here and go back to what you call ‘my real life’, so you’re pushing me away first.”
The accusation hits too close to home, and I feel something snap inside me.
“Maybe because I’ve been here before!” I shout, my voice cracking with the force of it. “Maybe because I opened myself up to you once, and you destroyed me! Maybe because I can’t survive you doing it again!”
The silence that follows is deafening. We stare at each other from opposite sides of the room, both breathing hard, both raw and bleeding from our own versions of truth.
“That’s it then,” Adrian says finally, his voice flat and defeated. “You’ve already decided how this ends.”
“I think you’ve known this was coming for a long time too,” I say instead, and the words taste like ash in my mouth. Seeing him with my friends and being in the same space as him these past few days have been like a cruel act of mercy killing. I get to taste the kind of life with Adrian back in it, knowing full well this will all be taken away in the end.
