Page 58 of Courting the Duchess
The realization left her feeling at once guilty and powerful, but she clutched her anger to her breast. She could not forget what he’d done; she’d let down her guard once only to find out there had been an even deeper level to his betrayal. She didn’t know if she could weather that again.
Without greeting her, Sterling stomped over to his discarded coat and sifted through its silk-lined inner pockets until he found what he was looking for. The garment was then dropped back into a crumpled heap.
He closed the gap between them with surprising swiftness, holding out a small, folded bit of parchment between his two longest fingers. Like a cowed child, he didn’t meet her eyes. Several heartbeats passed where they stood like that: Sterling offering her no explanation other than his outstretched hand and Alaina unsure what to do next.
Finally, she plucked the paper from his fingers and retreated a few paces. It made her ache to be too near to him.
“You’ll have your wish soon enough.” Sterling’s voice was rough and raw, unlike anything she’d heard from him previously. He pivoted on his heel and crossed to the far side of the room.
Confused, Alaina hesitated another moment before unfolding the parchment, noting the broken, unmarked black wax seal. Inside, she found rows and columns of strange numbers and runes.
“What is this?” She frowned, turning it this way and that, but unable to decipher it.
“Well, you were unsure if you could believe the truth of my life in espionage…you are holding your proof.” He tipped a stubbled chin toward the paper she held. “At least, as tangible proof as I can offer.” She caught a sweet waft of brandy as he paced a couple more laps before dropping to the edge of his mattress, scrubbing at his face with his hands and resting his elbows upon his knees. It was the posture of a man defeated, and Alaina didn’t think it suited her husband at all.
“What does this mean?” Alaina asked, moving several paces closer. A tendril of alarm began unfurling in her stomach. “What does it say?”
“Essentially, I’m being sent back to the Continent.” He spoke without lifting his head. “And you’ll be free of my presence once more.”
The pregnant silence that followed was unbearable. It ticked on far too long for either of their comfort, but what was there to say? He was right; contrary to the years before, Alaina had spent much of the last several weeks wanting nothing more than for Sterling to disappear and leave her be. Now, after what had lately transpired between them, it was far more complicated.
How had her life become so much more complicated since his return? She’d once been optimistic enough to desire his return to London. Now…
She’d learned Sterling was not who she’d believed him to be. He was vastly more complex than the man she thought she’d married, and yet, he seemed to be his most open, his most vulnerable with her. He’d made it clear that he wanted to be done with being a spy—that he wanted nothing more than a simpler life with her—but this letter in her hand supposedly offered him a chance to disappear once more.
“Do you have a choice?” she whispered.
There was another lengthy pause.
“I have a choice, but I am going to accept the assignment. I meet with my contact in one week and will likely board a ship shortly thereafter, but I’ll have other accommodations made until then. I will leave tomorrow, so you needn’t finish packing up to stay elsewhere. This is your home and your life; it’s far easier for me to pick up and go.”
Alaina’s heart began racing…but not from excitement. Did he believe himself so disposable from her world that he could walk away without leaving behind a void?
“I’ll leave you in peace to live how you wish,” he continued. “I promise to bother you no further and swear to you I will send no one to obtain information from your staff. We will return to living separate lives if that is what you desire.”
“Is that what you wish?” she asked, surprising even herself.
Another pause as he lifted his head to pierce her with his arresting eyes.
There was obvious pain in his voice when he replied, “The only thing I ask in return is that you let me know if there will be a child.”
The note fluttered from her numb fingers, and she pressed a hand to her flat abdomen. Her heart leaped to her throat. Of course, Sterling would wish to know if their actions resulted in a child. He needed an heir. He’d expressed to her how he didn’t wish to impregnate her and then abandon her. He’d also made it clear how much he desired to start a family with her. And all of it was crashing down around him.
The look in his eyes broke her beyond what she’d believed possible.
“Is leaving what you want?” she eked out.
“The truth?” Sterling whispered.
Alaina nodded.
“No, I do not want to leave. The thought of it alone feels like a boulder upon my chest. I believed for a brief moment in time that I was finally home, that we could make a life together. I see now that I’d been naïve to believe that and the myriad of mistakes I’ve made are insurmountable. And now I must go back to pretending to be someone I am not every minute of every day for an interminable amount of time.
“Even here, you now know the truth of who and what I am and have been, yet it is unacceptable. My real self is welcomed nowhere, so I may as well go where I can be of some use, and you can be free to move on. I will not interfere in your Reading Society. I will not be watching over your shoulder. I will send word to my solicitor that you are to be allowed to form a foundation to support the girls’ home. I will allow you to be entirely who you wish to be; it is the least I can do.”
“Do you really wish to have a life with me?”
“Like an idiot, I’d dared to hope.” He was weary and his voice cracked. “Please know, Alaina, that I am sorry. I regret my actions with everything in me and I will regret them until my dying day.”
