Page 35 of The Texas Sterling Collection
“Worse…makes me sound like an old man,” Rod said. His quiet voice encouraged me.
“You are an old man,” I said, hoping humor would ease the angst.
“Not helping,” Rod said. His grumble was more of a tease than a threat.
“Sorry. Sir…” I stifled a grin.
“Better…” Rod almost whispered.
“Sir…if you’ll not be mad at me for five minutes, I can tell you my side of the story.”
“I’m not mad at you; I’m mad at myself.” Rod’s voice gained strength.
“What for? You did nothing wrong.”
“Yes, I did. I let down my guard…my defenses…my protection. I hate to admit this, but your cowboy ways captivated me. The walls I built up to protect myself from hurt crumbled. Then that amazing kiss happened. And you looked terror-stricken. I was afraid I was the cause, so I left thinking I hurt you, and I could never hurt you. But then you disappeared from my life.” Rod’s voice choked. “And it hurt.” A sob escaped his lips. “It hurt badly.” He coughed, sobs shaking his shoulders.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.” I took a gulp of the red wine. It was pretty good. I looked at the floor. “I would never intentionally upset you.”
Rod sniffed his runny nose and nodded.
“Can I tell my side?” I looked up, hoping to see Rod’s face. I fought to keep from rushing to where he sat and kneeling on the floor by his chair. I needed to touch him. Touching him always felt so right. Touching each other would help us heal. Heal this gaping wound I caused, which he didn’t seem willing to bandage.
“Well, don’t take too long.” Rod wiped his eyes and took another gulp of wine.
“Okay,” I sighed again. “I’ll be quick.” I paused, gathering my courage. “Remember when you took me to the symphony concert? It had been years since I enjoyed being with anyone as much as I enjoyed you that evening.”
“I remember. You asked me to be your friend. How’d that work out?”
It was more a statement than a question. Like he wanted a positive answer. So, I gave him one. “Fantastic, until I fucked things up. But let me finish. When you shared with me that you were gay, I was overjoyed.”
“Really.” Rod’s tone made it sound like he’d verbalized a nice way of sayingbullshit.
I sighed. “Yeah…I know. I should have been as open with you as you were with me. My history makes me shy away from relationships and makes me reluctant to tell anyone I’m gay. I didn’t want to spoil what I saw developing between us and was afraid that if we played theI’m gay toogame, we would leap past friendship and miss getting started on a firm footing. Am I making sense?”
Rod looked up at me and sighed. “Yes, and you’re right. Lest I sound like I’m playing thegay toogame, I also have a history. But let’s agree to save that discussion for another time when we’re ready to share our pasts with each other. For now, let’s work on the friendship thing.”
I grinned. “Maybe we could be kissing friends?”
Rod laughed. It was good to see him smile.
“Let’s return to my comment about the symphony concert and my fabulous time. When you came to the ranch for steaks, I wanted to show you a fabulous time like you showed me at the concert. While we met the horses, I felt something when I touched you. When I took your hand to pull you toward the grill on the patio, I felt the same electricity. And when we bumped heads over the lemon, I wanted to grab you and pull you into my arms. When we sat for the guitar lesson, your shoulders were tense. When I touched you, a spark moved up my arms and into my body, and before I knew what was happening, I kissed you.”
Rod gazed at me with what…maybe…a lusty expression. Although I had no experience with such things.
“Go on,” he said.
“Well…I realized my huge mistake. Not because I didn’t enjoy it, but because I broke my own rule about entering a physical relationship. I blamed myself for your actions when you rushed out of the house. I had no idea how to fix it, so I withdrew. I’ve never had such an immediate attraction to another man, and it scared me. My first and only experience with a guy years ago turned into a total disaster. I won't go through that again. And I realized you could do much better than a retired Marine who is a cowpoke. You’re so educated and cultured. To get involved with you would mean only one thing—you realize I'm not good enough for you and turn your back on me. I couldn’t risk the hurt.”
“What about now? Why are you here?”
“I’m here because I realize the risk and am willing to take it. I need you as a friend, Rod Bonner. More than a friend, but let’s just cross one bridge at a time.” I sighed again. “I’ve been miserable since that night, and the only thing that will make me better is having you back.”
Rod cleared his throat. “Now it’s my turn. I shouldn’t have left the night of the kiss. I didn’t give you a chance to explain. I fled. You looked so terrified that I assumed you would order me to leave, so I left rather than give you the chance. When you didn’t call, text, or show up for class, feelings of abandonment resurfaced. Abandonment I experienced when my husband disappeared. And I overheard Stella asking you to meet her for a drink, so I assumed you had changed your mind about our friendship. Jealousy consumed me.”
“I fucked up.” I dropped my head and gazed at the floor. “I’m new at this relationship thing with a guy I care about.”
“All this time, I thought it was my fault. I left without giving you a chance to talk or even to explain. I should have assured you the kiss didn’t scare me. Instead, I took off like a spooked jackrabbit. We have a connection I can’t describe with words. But when I overheard Stella on the phone asking you to meet her for a drink, I felt betrayed.”
