Page 235 of Steeling Her
“How did you know?” he finally asks me after some time of sitting in silence. All we could listen in that time was our own thoughts.
“Grandpa,” I say just before biting into the chocolate goodness that was blessed to me by my mom and her impeccable baking skills. My dad slams both his hands down on the car’s ridge, gaining my attention.
“That was not for him to tell,” he says with a growl.
“And what you made me do wasn’t for you to decide,” I counter.
“It’s not the same thing!” He shakes his head, irate that my late grandfather spilled the beans on him.
“Isn’t it? He decided to tell me this, and you pushed me into breaking up with my girlfriend—”
“Stop! Just fucking stop it! I made you do it because she was dragging you down. You wouldn’t be the player you are today if it wasn’t for that decision! I was looking out for you future—”
“No you weren’t. You were pushing me to have the future that you wanted! You didn’t give a shit about me or her. It was my decision, not yours. I would have never done it! The reason I’m the player I am today was because I worked hard! Not you, not her, not anybody. I fucking pushed myself to be a better player. But I’m number three in the country when I should be number one! I would be number one if I hadn’t have broken it off with her. Now, she’s with someone else, and I can’t have her!” I yell and launch the chocolate cake across the room, smashing the plate into small pieces as they drop to the floor of the filthy garage. He watches the action play out and stares at the waste on the floor.
“You worked hard because you didn’t have her.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“She was not the right one for you. You were young and dumb.”
“I was in love with her.”
“You don’t know the meaning of love. You were both far too young to know that you were in love with one another.”
“There you fucking go again, telling me how I feel when you have no idea. You aren’t me. I know what I want and what I feel, and I love her. I always have. No one, not you, or anyone else for that matter, can change the way I feel about her.” I cut the air with an open palm to cut the bullshit spewing from his mouth.
“Then why wait so goddamn long?” He lifts both of his hands in the air and shrugs his shoulders like he’s gotten one up on me. “Why wait so fucking long to go to LA and finally see her? Don’t think your mother doesn’t fill me in on your shit. I know everything. If you love her so much, then why did you wait? Huh?” he questions me. All I could do is stare at him. “That’s what I thought—”
“Because I thought she hated me. I didn’t want to hurt her by seeing her again,” I whisper, mainly to myself, but I know he can hear it.
“That’s a bullshit excuse—”
“It’s the truth, something that you wouldn’t be familiar with,” I cut him off in a harsh tone, making him look me in the eyes. “The thought of seeing her again with the look in her eyes when I broke her heart that day made me dread seeing her again and made me hate seeing you again.” I could feel my entire body drop to the floor beneath me and get swallowed up by a large black hole that’s been waiting to suck me in. “I couldn’t face that look again,” I admit. “When I found out she found someone else, I knew that I’ve lost my shot with her.”
I drop myself back down on the seat with a long sigh. I lean my elbows on my knees and stare at the floor. “Everything about her is so perfect. I never thought I could ever meet someone like her. Nobody can ever compare to her. She’s so kind, so selfless, and is always smiling. No matter what it is, she’s always smiling. She’s always been that way ever since I first met her. I never believed that bullshit saying of getting butterflies in your stomach until I met her. Or just being able to look at someone can make your entire day. Or staying up all night just so you could listen to their voice. I never got anything like that until I met her. And the crazy thing is, I still get that when I’m around her.” I finally look at my father dead in the eyes, feeling my own tears as I pour my emotions out like I’ve never done before to him. Southern men don’t do it. I can see he’s uncomfortable, but I just don’t care. I am tired of fighting, I’m tired of not being happy, and I’m tired of not being my true self.
I miss her.
I love her.
And she’s all I want.
“Seeing her can be debilitating yet energizing at the same time. Debilitating because she has this hold of me like nobody has had before. Energizing because she makes my heart race, but also makes my mind fog. I’m not able to think rationally when I’m around her. She doesn’t have to say anything, yet I find myself completely absorbed by her. I smile when I see her. I can’t control it.” I feel myself give in, ashamed that I let her go. I’m crawling to get her back but I’m not sure it’s working.
“I feel safe when I’m with her. I feel at ease and comfortable. I can truly let my guard down around her. I’ve never been able to find anything close to that since meeting her. She’s my absolute everything, and I can’t have her.” My voice quivers at the end. I licked my lips to try and stop myself from crying. I know I’ve most likely lost the one woman that I’ve ever loved. “And that’s because of your decision. Not even mine.” I nod, knowing that I’ve finally said what I’ve kept to myself for all these years. I finally get to speak my truth.
“It wasn’t even my choice.” I’m trying to hold back my emotions but I can’t seem to whenever I talk about this or about her. “Now, she’s chosen to be with some other guy who treats her with no respect as she sits back and takes it all because she doesn’t think she can do better or doesn’t think that she deserves better. Do you know how hard it is for me to stand there and watch it happen? I can’t even do anything about it because it’s no longer my place.”
“She believes that she can’t get anyone to love her for who she is and that she has to compete with their careers. I could have been that guy, I could have been the guy who got to love her—to love her the way she deserves to be loved.” I can feel my rage start to kick back up while I continue, “And because of what you made me do, I have to sit there and watch some guy mess with her heart while I could have been the one to love it.” I rest my hand on my chest, feeling it thump away in its cage.
“I could have been happy with her if it wasn’t for you. All you had to do was tell me that I needed to focus and not let my emotions about Averman get in the way of the game. After that, you could have stepped away from our relationship and let things happen naturally between us. That’s all you could have done. Instead, you took the one thing that only ever made me happy and forcefully pushed her in another direction, the opposite direction, and then choked me. That’s not fair. I could have been happy. I could have had football and her, then I wouldn’t be so miserable as I am right now.” I bite my lower lip, trying to gather my own thoughts and to stop the shaking in my voice. I wait for him to say something, but he doesn’t. Only our breathing and the light hum of cars passing by outside the garage can be heard.
“Being miserable is your own choice, and judging from the tabloids, you didn’t seem all that miserable with half of the Miss USA contestants on your arm,” he grills me while I shake my head, ashamed by my own actions. He is right, but also I’m angry with him for even bringing it up. “Seems like you still loved her then, huh?” I stand up tall and laugh, disgusted by his remark.
“Nobody can compare to her. You did the exact same when you and mom broke up too.” Astonished, he whips his gaze back to me and I stare back expectantly.Yeah, I know.
I don’t think he needs to say anything more at this point. He made it very clear that he didn’t want to talk.
