Page 219 of Steeling Her
I’m still with someone.
“I could never offer my heart to anyone else since we ended things. I was heartbroken that day. I was angry, and I even punched my own father. I was full of pure rage that I lost you. I refused to give anyone else a chance until I know that you’re over this. But ever since coming back here, seeing you, I feel like you’re not—”
“I won’t cheat, Nick.” I shake my head.
“I know. As much as I hate that, I respect that you’re standing your ground. You’re protecting yourself, I understand that. I really do.” His words don’t match his actions. He’s coming very close to me. I can’t breathe. If he moves closer, I will do something out of character.
“I won’t cheat on him,” I remind him, and he nods, pulling himself away.
“You’re not the type to, I know that much. You have so much respect for people, even when they don’t give it back to you. But Carter, even if it’s not with me, you deserve much more respect than what Ted is giving you. You deserve to be treated right, and he doesn’t do that—”
“I can make my own decisions, Nick. This has nothing to do with you.” I frown at him.
“I know you can, but I just don’t understand why you take it from him? What is it about him that’s so fucking great? He’s a control freak that has you wrapped around his finger—”
“That’s not fair and you know it. You don’t even know anything about our relationship—”
“I know enough to realize you’re not happy with him-”
“At least he didn’t choose his career over”—I stop myself with the low blow I had ready—“I’m sorry—”.
“Don’t be, I get it.” He sighs. “I probably deserve it.”
“No, Nick. That wasn’t nice of me. I’m sorry, I’m just frustrated with everyone’s opinions on my relationship. Th- . . . it doesn’t matter.” I run my hands through my hair and spin around to face out the window again, refusing to look at him.
We did nothing but listen to the crickets sing in the night, the faint sound of cars in the distance with music blaring from the clubs in the city.
“I’m sorry to say this to you, but if you honestly think that he’s going to choose you over his career, you’re in for a surprise, Carter.” I rest my head on the window. I’m trying to stop myself from crying.
Nobody chooses me.
It’s always me or something else.
Even when I don’t date football players and stay away from them, the choice still comes back to haunt me. Why can’t people balance some time with me and their careers? They always have to make it into something that they must choose from.
It’s not fair.
All I want is to be with someone who wants to be with me. Instead, work constantly gets in the way, and I always feel like I have to compete with it to get something out of the relationship.
“Is there something wrong with me?” I ask. I’m not sure if I wanted to answer it myself or if I wanted him to answer for me.
“There is nothing wrong with you. You’re perfect,” he says after some time. I’m not sure if he heard me. He took a while to answer. I feel his hand rest on my shoulder and pull me slightly away from the window I was pressed up against.
Defeated.
He turns me around and I feel his arms reach across and pull me into him.
It’s been a while since I’ve been hugged like this by him so many times. It’s something that I’ve missed. So much that I could feel the tears begin to roll down my face as I cry into his chest.
“Then why does nobody fucking stay with me!” I push him away in anger. “Why does nobody fucking stay! Why does it always feel like I have to compete with inanimate things that always have more power than I do!” I push his chest backwards and backwards as I roar at him. “Every time I feel like I’m getting somewhere, it’s ripped away from me! Why am I always second fucking best! Why do men always think they don’t have a choice and yet they still choose everything BUT me! Why am I not good enough for any of you? Why do I get last place?” I cover my face in my hands and weep into them.
Again, I feel him comfort me in the best way he knows how. He knows that this comforts me. It always has.
He doesn’t say much. If anything, he just lets me cry and cry and cry until I push myself to get a grip. I’m tired of crying.
I’m tired of all of this.
I wipe my eyes and back away from him. I return to the window and stare out of it until I feel my heart calm down. Again, nothing is said as I wait until I’m composed.
