Page 265 of Steeling Her
“I know. The time Danielle left me because she couldn’t handle the media hounding her for being pregnant with Taylor was my lowest time. It hurt so badly, so I get it,” he confesses. “I loved her then and I love her now, so it was painful.” He bites his lip in frustration, remembering the tough time he had starting off and seeing the news of her pregnancy all over TV. I remember the phone calls I used to get from her about cameras trying to take pictures of her for months. She was called a gold digger and a trapper, but what they didn’t know was that Chris wanted to be with her and wanted to be by her side and the baby’s.
“Yeah, our relationship was a little different though. I wasn’t in love with Ted,” I say bluntly but with all honesty.
“No?” he asks but he already knows about it. All of my family knew, I just wanted to prove to people that I can have a relationship—a good and solid relationship—and I stayed in it because of my own proud self. However, looking back on it, it did more harm than good.
“No, it was forced,” I reveal to him. After all the time I’ve had to think, I’ve gotten my breath back and some clarity. I can finally see what others were seeing. I just wanted to prove to people that I was fine and that I could do this when I obviously couldn’t. I was competing with someone’s career yet again. They allowed me to play along with it. It wasn’t a fair fight—and I knew that from the start—but when Nick came back, I was determined to show him that I was doing fine without him. In truth, it was the opposite.
I was miserable.
“You know, that time—when I said I preferred Nick than Ted—I was telling the truth.” Chris was doing so well up until this point. He opened his big mouth and really stuck his foot in it. Yet, he continues, “And I know you’re going to swing your fists at me for saying it again right now, but I didn’t say it to annoy you. I wanted to let you know that there was a difference between how they treated you.
“Yes, Nick dumped you in a gruesome way, but he treated you right, which is what any brother would want for his sister. Okay, I could have sent him through a wall for breaking your heart, but the way we all saw how Ted treated you in the relationship just didn’t sit well with any of us. He was disrespectful at the best of times, demeaning, and always downplayed your success. But it was what you wanted, so we let you be. Like you said, you were competing with a career, and it’s not easy nor ideal.” Chris turns off the Main Street as we continue towards the stadium on a perfectly sunny day for the game.
I’m excited but nervous too. It’s a big game for the team and the state, and I can tell Chris is pumped to play on the field. Usually, when he doesn’t play well in the last game, he does a complete 180 and plays amazing in the next game. His motto is, “Don’t make the same mistake one after another.” He counts bad plays as mistakes.
“It seems to be a reoccurring theme,” I mutter to myself as I lift my thigh up to put my other foot underneath for a boost.
“I know that, but you are way better than any career,” Chris begins to talk me up, trying to give me more pep in my step. I know he’s trying, and I do appreciate it, but he’s my brother; he has to say those things.
I don’t say anything any further, I just stare out the window in thought as we approach the stadium which you can see up ahead in the front window.
“Have you told him?” I ask my older brother.
“Told who what?” he asks for clarification.
“Nick. Have you told him about me and Ted?” I make it even clearer for him so that there is no miscommunication.
“No, that’s not for me to tell. He doesn’t know. I don’t think TJ has said anything either.” I thank him for not revealing that to Nick in anyway. I want to tell him in my own time. Today might be the day, but we will see how it goes. “You know, he doesn’t stop talking about you,” Chris says so lowly that I almost miss it entirely.
I snap my head around in surprise that he just openly confessed that.
“What? What do you mean?” I press for further information.
He sighs as if it was something he shouldn’t have said.
“I mean, he asks me questions about you; checks up on you; wonders about you. He wants to make sure you’re okay. He even threw a guy against a wall this week because he was talking about hooking up with you,” he admits, to my disbelief.
I rest my head against the headrest as I begin to deliberate about what he just said. “I know he hurt you, but you were both so young. I’m not saying you should have gotten together, just that he didn’t know what to do at that time. Yes, he made a bad decision, but in all honesty, if I was in his position, I probably would have done the same.
“It doesn’t make him a bad person, he just made a bad decision. This guy has been working his entire life to get to where he is today, but he’s in this position because of that bad choice. I understand it. He lives and breathes football, just like me and Austin do. Was it right? Not entirely, but I probably would have done the same, so I can’t knock him. He lives to play the game, and I don’t blame him for hating himself now. You’re my sister, I’d do anything to protect you, but so would he. You just can’t keep punishing him for a decision he made five years ago, Carter. I’m not taking his side, I’m on your side and I always will be, but I work with him. I see the pain you’re both putting yourselves through, and I don’t like it—I don’t like it because I can’t do anything about it.” The tiredness in his voice is evident, but it’s my decision too.
“Yeah, he looks so miserable with all those girls around him,” I mumble sourly. This is not who I am, this person I’ve become out of jealousy isn’t me. It’s not Carter.
“Trust me, they are just bad moments. He’s not interested in anyone,” Chris defends him. I never thought I’d see this day. I thought Chris wouldn’t care or let me deal with it on my own. Maybe he has a point. “Look, I know you’re probably going to ignore everything that I’ve said to you today, but if there is one thing that I’m asking of you, it’s to keep an open mind—”
“That’s what Mr. Jackson said too,” I butt in as we stop at a red light once again.
“Well, there you go. Great minds think alike.” He smirks, making me roll my eyes. Chris has this gift where he could take the awkwardness or tension out of any conversation. Nine times out of ten, it’s because of a stupid joke or at his own expense.
“I wouldn’t go that far, Chris.” I punch him playfully in the arm and he pretends to whine from the pain.
“You know that no matter what you decide on, I will back you up 110 percent. I’m just merely—that is the right word to use in this context, right?” he asks me and continues after I nod, “I’m just merely here to give you another perspective. I see you and I see him. He’s fighting his own demons that are more than bringing him down, as are you. And I know you’re mad at him, but I also know you’re mad about him. All the while, I know for a fact he’s crazy about you. It’s time to forgive him, forget the past, and fix what you have while it’s still there.”
There’s that phrase again. Should I get back with him? Will he get back with me? Now that we’re older, what would it be like? Will he be different or will he be the same guy I fell in love with all those years ago? Will my heart be able to take another rejection, let down, or hard breakup?
I reach across to my brother’s hand resting on the gear stick and take it in mine. I squeeze it tightly before the light turns green.
There is no doubt in my mind that I’m in love with Nick Jackson. What I fear is, will it be the same? Will it be worth the fight?
