Page 226 of Steeling Her
This is going to be a lot harder than I thought, but I’m willing to put myself out there and try.
I love her daughter, and I don’t want to be with anyone else.
“Perfect.” She follows me down to a room while waving off TJ and Haley, who are equally as curious as I am.
I hold the door open for her, letting her know that this is the room we can talk in for some privacy. “How have you been?” She lifts her handbag off her shoulder and sets it down on the table with a clang. She seats herself on the sofa with a light bounce, making her sundress sway a little. For a moment, she looked like Carter.
“Good—I’ve been good. And you?” I ask back. I’m trying to be polite, but I also want to know how she’s been seeing as it’s been a while.
She tilts her head to the side and stares at me, resting both hands on her knees to say she’s not buying my response. To be honest, I did lie, but I want to cut to the chase. I want to know the purpose of her visit today.
“Come on, how have you really been?” she repeats her question.
I run my hands down my face, pulling my skin; the stress that is my own life is getting the better of me. I laugh and shake my head at my own sad life and cross my arms while I think of the best way to put it, but I keep coming up with the same answer; one word.
“Miserable,” I confess truthfully to her. With a pity smile, she leans forward, almost like she wanted to reach out to me. I almost cringe at how desperate I sound, but the truth is, I really am desperate. I’m not ashamed to admit it.
A moment ticked by while we thought about things.
“Why did you leave it for so long? Five years? Not a single word?” she asks softly.
“I didn’t, initially. I called her and messaged her nonstop the first year we ended things to get her to talk to me, but she ignored me every single day and every single one of my messages, so I naturally assumed after some time that she didn’t want to talk to me; that she hated me. Then I stopped bothering her and let her be. She moved on, and I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t sting to see her with someone else,” I try to explain to her everything, one fuckup after another.
“You hurt her with your choice, you can’t fault her for that—”
“I know, I don’t blame her for it. I even hate myself . . . for everything.” I sigh and stare out of the window Carter remained at the other night.
It took everything inside of me to not kiss her. I respect her, and I know she’s not that type of girl, despite wanting her for myself. She’s loyal, and always will be.
“You shouldn’t hate yourself, Nick. All of this is part and parcel of growing up. This is reality, this is life. And unfortunately, it’s sometimes got a mean side. Just, don’t hate yourself. From what Rodger has told me, it’s not entirely your fault. You were young and naive, and couples break up everyday—”
“I know they do, but I never wanted it to happen for us. I never thought she’d ever give me a shot, a chance to fall in love. I never thought I could fall in love, I never thought I’d get the chance to find happiness with another person, and I did. I fell for your daughter hard, and I haven’t stopped falling for her. I can’t. She’s the only one.” I bite my lip, trying to hold back without sounding like I’m whining like a child throwing their toys around. That’s not what I’m doing. I just don’t know what to do to fix this, to get her back. “I left her alone after the first year of not hearing anything back from her. I got the hint that she didn’t want to talk,” I finish explaining why I stopped, even when it was hard. I did it to let her feel some happiness again, even if it meant that I needed to step back. But I was wrong.
I can see the happiness in her eyes when I see her. Even if she hides it moments later, I know it’s still there.
There’s hope.
“Why now?” she asks curiously, but it doesn’t sound like she’s pushing me for any answers. “Why here? Why LA?” she continues with the same tender tone in her voice, one letting me know that, no matter what I say, it’s alright.
I sigh to myself as I peer out the glass pane that points towards the city. “I have been putting in offers and offers to be traded to the Chargers since turning professional, but I knew if Austin was still there, I wouldn’t have had a shot,” I tell her that her son was the reason why it took me so long, but that’s only partially true. “Then I found out he was moving to the Giants and thought I would take another chance and try to get the first string quarterback position for the team. I did, I got it. Now, I’m here.” I begin to think about her once again. It’s hard not to.
“You didn’t answer my question.” She waves the thought away. I thought I got away with it. “Why here?” She wants to hear me say it.
“Because I knew I’d see her here. I knew she’d be out here without Haley ever telling me. And seeing her again, the look in her eyes, her smile, it makes that feeling little bit better.” I change my staring competition with the view to Elaine. “I know it’s selfish of me, but I can’t stay away. I can still see that her feelings are still there for me.” That’s the truth. She was never good at hiding it. Her cheeks would blush uncontrollably, and I melt at that.
“Do you think that it’s fair to her? Seeing you again and bringing up those old feelings? Do you think that it’s fair?” she asks.
“No, I don’t,” I answer honestly.
“Then why?” She pushes me for a more concrete answer.
“Because I still love her. I can’t let her go, Elaine. I’ve tried, numerous times, but I never could. As hard as it was for five years, I always come back to her. I tried to let her be, I did that for her so that she could find happiness, but I can see that she’s not. I don’t know if it’s partially because of me or if it’s because of Ted, but I can see she’s not happy.” I’m picturing her face when we’re around the group, it took me a while to figure out if it was directed at me or her boyfriend. The other night only confirmed that it’s not just me.
There are times when I don’t help the situation with Ted, but it’s hard not to react to another man having his claim on her. It breaks me in two every time I see it.
“I just don’t know what’s going on inside that head of hers anymore. She’s a little lost, and I don’t know how to help her. I can see she’s confused and fighting with her own self.” She sinks into the chair and fixes her dress. “Have you spoken to her since the day of the game?” she queries me for any information—information that I can’t give her.
“No, have you?” I take a deep breath, already knowing the answer.
