Page 218 of Steeling Her
I turn my head to the side as I can’t look at him. I’m afraid to, he’s just so beautiful it drives me crazy. I’m still crazy about him, too, I always have been.
“I never wanted her. As dickhead-ish as this will sound, I only wanted to fill a void inside of me. It’s what I’ve been doing for the past few years—”
“Bullshit, Nick,” I huff, unimpressed with of the way he’s handling things, but then I realize that maybe that really was his only way. Maybe it was the only way he knew how to, because before he met me, he was already doing something similar. He was filling a void.
He was—is my one true love. I cannot deny that.
“It’s the truth, Carter.” He softens his voice, almost like he was giving into this. “I swear. It’s not the right thing to do, but it’s the only way I know how. I . . .” He hesitates for a moment, exhaling harshly before he continues, “I get with girls so I can feel something, anything.” The disappointed tone makes a reappearance. I could feel my heart sinking for him and for me. It’s not something I want to hear, but I do admire his honesty, even if it took him all these years to do it and even if it’s killing me inside.
He sits on the edge of the table in the room and rests both hands on either side of his thighs. He stares down at the floor, then raises his head for our eyes to meet.
“I broke up with you because my dad told me to,” he begins and I blink back to look at him again. I’m shocked that this is where our conversation is going. Haley or TJ never mentioned the reason as to why he ended our relationship. They never mentioned a word, they never got involved, and they never commented on it.
I know I said I wanted to know everything, but am I really ready for all of this?
Is this it?
“What?” I ask in shock.
He scratches his head and stares over at me again with a strip of moonlight cutting his face. He shifts uncomfortably. We both know this talk is long overdue.
“After one of the trainings, he and my coach called me aside to tell me I was distracted and that I needed to focus.” His eyes didn’t even shift when he tells me this. That’s when I know he’s not lying. He’s being honest. “I told them that I wasn’t, even when I knew I was. I never blamed you for it, I blamed myself because I wanted to be with you all the time.” He chuckles and I blush. It makes me smile nonetheless.
“I was so addicted to you, and being around you made me so happy. I felt like myself when I was around you. I still do—”
“You don’t seem yourself anymore,” I mutter.
“That’s because I haven’t been coping well,” he confesses something that I could already see. He hasn’t been himself. I’ve seen videos, pictures, and interviews of him being a statue; cold and motionless.
This is not the Nick I know or once knew.
“My dad and I got into a fight about it that day. He actually choked me, and I haven’t spoken to him since—”
“Nick, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean-”
“This is not your fault, Carter. I’m not telling you all of this because I want you to feel like it is your fault. It’s not, it never has been. This is on me. I wasn’t willing to find a balance between our relationship and my career. When my game started to slip, I kept brushing it off. All I wanted to do was be with you.” He smiles to me.
“I thought I could be in our relationship and still play at the same level,” Nick continues. “I couldn’t, but that was my choice; not yours. I’m telling you this. because you need to know. I wanted to explain this to you years ago, but you avoided me—for good reasons too—so it was hard to get you to talk to me. I never wanted to do it over the phone or through a message.” He frowns a little.
“It just seemed weak and deadbeat. I couldn’t do that to you. You deserve better. I’ve always wanted to have this talk with you, but I felt that you didn’t want to see me or talk to me. So I thought that if I tried to reach out to you, I would lose you or that you would keep avoiding me. And I never wanted that.” Hearing his side of the story makes it all so real.
“I was never expecting you to choose me over football, Nick—”
“I know. I was so young, naive, and under so much pressure from my dad, coach, and scouts from the NFL, I thought that I couldn’t have both. What made it worse is that they never did this to TJ and Haley. It was only to me and you. I never forgave my dad about all the things he said about me, you, and our relationship. It made me sick when I lost you for good. Watching you walk away from me was one of the hardest things to see. It still gives me nightmares.” He sighs then stands up on his feet.
I really take in his frame, and it’s so much larger and bulkier than when he was in college. He has a very muscular frame with a protective vibe. He walks around all the time like he’s pissed off constantly, but when I’m with him, it’s diminished into nothing. I start to see the old Nick peek through every so often, but the mask he’s wearing has a firm grip on him, and I don’t like that.
“Then why did you let me go?” I ask with heartbreak laced in my words. I always wondered why he let me walk away if I meant so much to him.
“I thought I’d work to get my game back, and once I had it, I’d work to get you back. But it should have been the other way around; I should have stopped you that day, but I froze. It took me years to get my game back and then when finally I did, TJ had told me it was too late. You had moved on. I thought I’d leave you alone. I thought I’d let you live your life and be happy with him. I thought I’d try and move on from you.” He licks his lips and stares deep into my eyes, making sure I never break this connection between us.
“I never could,” he finishes. As he walks closer and closer to me, closing the distance between our bodies, I find myself inching backwards until I have no more room left. His aura is intoxicating, and I can’t get enough of him. It’s why I need the space.
“You should have tried harder,” I whisper, shaking. My words are contradicting me. “You have plenty of other opportunities, Nick. A ton of girls are after a guy like you—”
“None of them are you, Carter.” He ducks his head down once we’re chest to chest. Our lips are close, and I have to pinch myself in the leg to defy him.
His mouth inches so close to mine as he continues to talk.
