Page 205 of Steeling Her
We hear a knock on the door to our right and we both see Haley in her pajamas smiling and hanging out of the door. “You both okay?” she asks with a tired smile on her face. We both nod and TJ pushes himself up off the chair.
“I’m going up to bed,” he says to the both of us. He stops in front of my sister and kisses her sweetly. For the first time in my life, I didn’t cringe at the sight of it. In fact, it was something I was missing.
Love.
I was missing that look she was giving him in my life. I was missing that look from the woman that I love.
“Alright, babe. I’ll be up soon.” She shuts her eyes as he kisses her head. “I love you,” she whispers delicately.
“I love you,” he responds without hesitation.
After that, he leaves. She pads her feet on the tiles to me and placed herself in front of me. Wrapping both arms around me, I’m surprised that she was actually hugging me. Automatically, I find myself returning her hug and resting my chin on her shoulder as I hold my sister close to me.
“It’ll be okay,” she whispers softly to comfort me. I know it will, it’ll just take time and a lot of patience. She hasn’t healed from me, and I need to allow her to. I just wish she wasn’t with someone while she did it.
“I know.” I sigh and hold my sister closer to me. “It’ll all work out, I just don’t know how it’ll end,” I confess my thoughts.
“You do know you have to work ten times harder, Nick. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m sure TJ has already told you that.” She smiles knowingly down at me and cups my face in her petite hands. “She’s a fragile girl and she always will be, but she’s careful with guys. Especially now that you’re back in her life, she’s very careful. She’s taking time to adjust to you again. It’s been five years.” Haley bobs her head from side to side as we pull out of the rare embrace.
“I know,” I repeat with a deep exhale. I run my hand down my face as I think about everything that has led to this moment.
“Why did you leave her for so long?” she asks. It’s the same question I ask myself too.
“I thought she deserved better. She does, and I tried to set her free. But I can’t, I’m too selfish when it comes to her. I can’t stay away from her, Haley. I’ve tried and failed so many times. ” I shake my head and stare at my younger sister.
“I know, Nick, I know.” She rests both of her hands on my shoulders and bows her head down so we’re level. “Look, I know you guys are perfect for each other. So does everyone else, even though some people don’t want to admit it, but you hurt her. You really . . . hurt her. It was the one thing that she thought was different about you, but you proved her wrong and chose football. I know she would never let you choose between the two. She would have wanted you happy, but you and I both know that you made a really wrong decision. You’re not happy and I can see that. That fake smile you put on for the cameras doesn’t fool me. I’m your sister, and I know you haven’t been happy since the breakup. You know you could’ve had both—”
“It wasn’t that simple then, Haley. I know I fucked up, and because of that, I’ve lost the one woman that I have and will ever love. I had to make the decision before Dad ruined her. Do you know what he would have done to her? What he’s capable of? I didn’t want that—I didn’t want him to do that to her. I wanted her to be happy and free from him and his torment. It’s all on him, and I’m an idiot for believing that I had no choice. I did have a choice, and I should have made an effort before now. She knows that, I know that, everyone fucking knows that!” I find myself getting wound up every time I talk about this. I’m pissed at my dad, but I’m fuming with myself. I take a deep breath to calm my racing thoughts. “I was so scared that if he spoke to her first, he’d ruin the possibility of a future between me and Carter, but it looks like I’ve done that all on my own.” I bite on my lip and look past my sister out towards the dark garden.
“Look at me. You don’t get to throw yourself a pity party. You’re a Jackson, for crying out loud. You want her, you’ve got to get your shit together and grovel, Nick. It’s the only way and you know it. You’re working with a Steel woman. It’s not going to be easy, but don’t start beating yourself up. You’re ten times the man Ted is; I know you are. She knows it, too, she just refuses to admit it. She’s stubborn and you know that! So, get up and grow a pair of balls, win her back.”
She points to me and continues, “You don’t get to sulk over a decision you made over five years ago. That was then and this is now. You were young and stupid, make up for it. It’s your time, Nick, don’t waste this chance . . . because it’s your last one.”
Haley snaps me out of my reverie and I’m grateful she did. I was starting to wallow in my own self-pity. I don’t have that right. “I’m on your side, Nick. I am, but you have to get up and try again. And you keep trying until you have the woman of your dreams,” she promises me.
I nod, knowing that she has always been on my side, even when she knows I was wrong to end things with Carter. Haley was always there for me, and she always reminded me that she will always be there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it.
“Thanks, Haley.” I smile at my sister who has been on this painful journey with me, backing my corner and sticking by me and my stupid mistakes.
“Now, come on. Let’s go to sleep. I’m so tired and ready to dive into my bed.” She smiles and yanks me up. I chuckle as she leans all of her body weight backwards to get me onto my feet and follow her into the house, feeling like I rightfully got my ass kicked into place by her and TJ.
“ ’Night.” I kiss the top of her head before she leaves me. “I love you,” I whisper into her hair and pull back, smiling down at her.
“I love you too, Nick. Remember what I said!” She grips on to my hand and squeezes it softly. “You deserve happiness too.” With that said, she leaves me standing in the hallway and shuts the door to her and my best friend’s room.
I let her words sink in deep into my core.
You deserve happiness too.
Do I look that miserable all the time?
Probably.
I roll my eyes at my subconscious and its heavy opinion.
As I pick up my feet and wander down to the room they’ve given me until I’ve found the right place. I’ve looked in Bel Air, where it’s exclusive and private; just what I need. I don’t need people in my business. I don’t need their judgment or their opinions. They don’t even know the real me; I don’t want them to get the chance to.
I open my door and shut it softly behind me. I know nobody has fallen asleep yet, and the house is big enough for me to not hear anything in their room and for them to hear nothing from mine.Thank God.
