Page 18 of Steeling Her
I smile at her message on my phone and start to giggle. I type back a response.
Me: Sorry, must’ve been the wind. Or Casper the unfriendly ghost . . .
Haley:??xx
I continue on my way to my class and put in my earphones, listening to my music to make me walk that little bit faster. I see the trees wave from side to side as the pathway is occupied by some people walking around the campus. I see some people sitting on the picnic benches outside, talking with their friends. Some people were throwing frisbees around on the grass while others lay down with their groups, laughing about something I couldn’t hear and throwing blades of grass at one another. The sharp smell of smoke is in the air in patches of small clouds.
Next thing I see a football flying my way and muffled screams. Heads turn around to me but I catch it with ease. My dad and brothers used to throw the ball at me to catch me off guard when I was growing up. I stare at the group in shock, and they stare back at me, equally as shocked.
I shouldn’t have caught it.
I should’ve just let it hit me.
Seeing Nick and TJ jog over to me, I see their lips moving, but all I hear is Taylor Swift’s voice. I take the earphones out and hand them the ball.
“Are you alright?” TJ stares at me. I nod and smile at him, looking around at the attention I’ve received from the students that hadn’t noticed me before but now do. Brushing off Nick’s touch, I retrieve my hand immediately from the feeling I got.
I start to panic from the stares I’m receiving and feel my heart beat a little too fast for my liking, not in sync with my breaths. I dart my eyes around, making eye contact with unknown strangers. I can hear my heart hammering in my ears. I clear my throat because I feel a lump inside of it.
I see Nick making his way towards me and I hear him say, “Carter, breathe—”
“I’ve got to go!” I run past them and down the pathway from them and inside my building. I run to the girls’ restroom and into an empty stall to hide from people. I sit on the closed seat and rest my head on my hands. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. It’s not helping.
Inhale.
Exhale.
I throw my head back, facing the ceiling and shutting my eyes.Breathe, Carter, just breathe.
It’s been a while since I’ve had a panic attack. I forgot what it felt like. I used to suffer from them when I was younger. I’d like to say that I grew out of them, but I didn’t; I’ve always had anxiety. It’s always been an uphill battle for me. I find it hard to keep it under control sometimes. Now being one of them.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
I gulp down my saliva and take a sip of the water I have in my bag. I swallow the water back to try to help myself. I stand up with shaky hands, open the door up, and walk over to the sink, allowing the cold water to hit my hands. The cold water helped me when I was younger, and I’m praying it does now. Feeling my heart rate slowly go down, I dry my hands and look at myself in the mirror.
My flat hair falls down over my shoulders and my back. My skin is dewy from the cold sweats of the panic. My eyes are dilated. I look like shit. All those guys saw me like this. I groan out in frustration. Why do I do this to myself? No wonder I don’t get asked out. I look like I belong in Tim Burton’s “The Corpse Bride” or something from “The Walking Dead.”
Walking back out into the hallway, I see Nick leaning against the wall with TJ and they both stop talking to each other to approach me.
“You alright, Carter?” TJ asks me again as he leans on the wall beside me. Both of them are in their football jackets. Girls are walking by, staring at them and checking them out while they don’t acknowledge my existence. Nothing new.
I nod weakly, feeling so embarrassed. “I just didn’t feel well,” I lie to them. They don’t need know me to know that though. I see TJ stand up to his full height immediately after I said that.
“Like nauseous? You’re not . . . you know? . . . pregnant? OW!” Nick punched him hard in his arm while glaring at him.
“What? N-No . . . No, I’m not pregnant, TJ . . .” I feel the heat rising up my cheeks as I look down at my stomach. “Do I . . . look pregnant?” I ask them, fixing my shirt as I look around. I instinctively suck in my stomach to make myself appear skinnier.
“TJ, go get the guys. Now!” Nick barks at him. TJ looks at him and walks backwards away from us. Seeing Nick’s red cheeks, I can tell he’s just as embarrassed as I am. Oh God, I look pregnant don’t I? I gained a few. I knew it. I run my hand through my hair in frustration. I need to go to the gym.
“I’m not . . . but I look it, don’t I?” I look down at my stomach once more and try to flatten it as much as I can.
“Carter, TJ is an idiot. Don’t listen to him, you don’t look pregnant. You look fine, I promise. Sometimes he has no filter. We know you’re not that type of girl . . .” I snap my head up to him and quirk an eyebrow.
“What type of girl am I?” I ask, offended by what category he’s put me in. The ugly girl club. The one who can’t get with a guy. The one who repels them rather than attracts. Seeing his eyes widen at the sound of my tone, he rubs the back of his neck.
Not that I want a baby anytime soon, nor do I want to be a teen mom. Nothing wrong with it, just not in my plans.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Carter . . .” He stares down at me, and I look to my left to see a group of girls talking and giggling while staring at him. He turns his head to see them too and they scatter off into the hallway, going in different directions, embarrassed they got caught.
