Page 173 of Steeling Her
“Nick?” Everyone is standing up over me, signalling that we are leaving, but I had zoned out for a bit. I was just staring at the glass sitting on the table in front of me, thinking of something to say to her. But the time flew by, and I lost my chance.
“Sorry,” I apologize and rush to my feet. As I step to the side, I make eye contact with Carter but she flicks them downwards rapidly and steps away from her seat, her yellow dress floating after her movements. I watch her walk behind Danielle and Chris, who has his arms around his girlfriend, making her laugh. I catch up to Carter and smile once our stares meet again.
“How have you been?” I begin but the conversation is a little strained already. I don’t think the shock has worn off. I know it hasn’t for me, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to hear her voice once more.
She fretfully clears her throat and wraps her hand around it gently, stroking it to keep her hands occupied. “I’ve been fine. And you?” she asks back politely just to keep it going.
“Good, better. Thanks,” I reply. Then it falls dead silent between us. It has me placing both hands inside my jeans pockets as we reach the door. I hold it open for her as we walk outside. I couldn’t help my eyes flicking down to her ass that still holds the same shape. I gulp down and flick my eyes back up, silently scolding myself. Thankfully, nobody caught me. I quicken my pace so I can catch up to her again.
“I hadn’t realized that you were the new Chargers quarterback. I’ve been so busy with work that I didn’t have time to see the trades.” She doesn’t even look at me when she speaks; she just peers straight ahead, her tone very timid and her arms folded across her chest, which makes me look down for a spilt second until I realize what I was doing and flick my eyes back up to her side profile. She’s closed off with me, just like in the beginning. I can’t fault her for that, I fucked up.
“Um, yeah, I’ve known for a while that your brother was going to leave so I pushed for them to sign me. I’ve always wanted to play for the Chargers. When I became a free agent, they swooped in and took the chance, thanks to the help of my agent,” I disclose.
“I know.” She twists her head to face me. Her eyes haven’t lost the light-blue spark in them. I watch them pulse in front of me, and I could feel the cliché constriction in my lungs again. Her lips part ever so slightly as I observe this interaction play out. “You mentioned it in college a couple of times.” She nods and breaks that eye contact with me. I wanted to grab her face and make her look at me as the guy she liked and dated, but I can tell she’s having a trying time with it. Her hands are nervously wringing themselves like she used to do when we were together in college. She doesn’t know what to do with herself.
“Right, yeah, I remember. I don’t think I stopped talking about it.” I chuckle and rub the back of my clammy neck with my open palm. I hear that giggle I love; it was faint, but I heard it. I snap my attention back to her, hoping to hear it once more, but she stops and clears the imaginary lump in her throat.
“Well, it’s amazing you got that job. You’ve always wanted to play for them, now’s your chance,” she tells me. I know I won’t, not this time. This is what I’ve worked hard for, and now that I’m here, I don’t plan on leaving without a fight.
As we reach her car, I could see a rusty and dusty old . . . thing. I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the ancient death trap gawking back at me.Jesus, that’s what she drives? What happened to her four by four Mercedes’s she loved in college. Roxy?
“Yeah, I’m going to give it my best shot. I’ve worked hard for it.” I nod but can’t help but stare at this contraption that she calls her car. It looks very dated and it probably breaks down all the time. This is something that looks like my grandparents would have driven, and it looks like it’s been to the mechanics more often than not.
“I bet you have. Don’t ruin this chance. It’s your one and only if you want to come back to the team. They’re particular about players. I know they are, they know who they want and what they’re looking for,” she says, and I skim my eyes back up to her once she opens her creaky door, the noise and the motion catching my attention. I blink at her and stand larger like I did the very first night I met her, I tower over her anyway, but I couldn’t help the gesture.
I can’t get over how much she looks like the same person when I watched her walk away that haunting day; the day that I regret. Her hair is a little longer, but she still smells of coconut and mango; a hint of a floral perfume disperses every so often too. Her complexion is still radiant, and her demeanour is still skittish. I know why. It’s me.
That thought alone puts me into a sour mood.
“You going to get home alright, Cooks?” Chris yells at his sister across the car park. He closes Danielle’s door of their Mercedes car and rounds his way over to his own side. His features are stone cold, and daggers are zooming right at me.
“I’ll be fine, thanks!” She waves him off, but I saw the look in his eyes when he glanced them to me. He was warning me. I get it. I know I won’t be able to do as he pleases. I know it’ll wind me up into more trouble. That’s what I’m known for, being that stupid bad boy of the NFL. Which I’m not. I just focus a lot more than others and balance it out with heavy nights out and coiling myself up into idiotic situations, like sleeping with random girls.
I am at rock bottom and I don’t know how to yank myself out if it. I still don’t, I’m in a dark and desolate place without her and I need her in my life. I can already feel the heaviness on my shoulders being lifted just a bit.
“I’ll wait until you’re gone,” he says to her but looks straight at me, his eyes not wavering as he talks to her. And he’s the nice brother, imagine what Austin would do to me.
As I tear my stare away from him and back to his beautiful sister, I catch the bright light in her eyes again and start to remember all of the times I got to look into those beautiful crystal balls when we were lying in bed together after a night alone. When she lost herself beneath me as she let my name leave her desirable lips. The high she felt made me feel so powerful. Yellow is her color, too, she looks like she’s glowing. And that hurts. She looks like she’s happy, yet she’s on edge just talking to me.
Maybe she’s just as surprised as I am? My mind is racing around with these thoughts. I feel that invisible force pulling me back to her. That one that has us connected to each other, the tie is taut and pulling us both back to one another if we stray too far. And that’s happening right now.
“I’ve got to go.” She starts pointing to Chris and I nod and back away, understanding that this is all too much for the both of us. I could see her finger shaking like she’s nervous to be around me. I need to let her soak this all in.
“Sure, I’ll see you soon then?” I ask, and I see her hesitantly nod too. Just as she was about to step into her car, she stops for a moment and faces me again, flicking her hair over her shoulder as the wind aids the action. She stares right into my eyes for a few seconds longer than she probably should have, but I welcome it.
“Good luck on the team, Nick. Don’t get too distracted.” She taps the metal frame of her door after she said it.
The last part stung brutally, but I could see the pain in her eyes when she said it. She had that same look on her face the day I watched her walk away. Her voice quivered slightly as she did, too, and that cut deeper than I wanted; both the words and her reaction. It wasn’t my intention to make her feel like that, and now that I knew I did, it makes me feel like the worst guy on the planet for her. She deserves so much better than me, and maybe she does have someone who treats her better than I did.
But I still can’t shake her off. I’m addicted to her. I need her.
Five years later, and we’re still both really affected by that decision. It’s clear as day. I never should have chosen the game over her. Looking back, I knew I could’ve had both, but I was too blind and too intimidated to choose both.
I was a great player with or without her, I rewatched my tapes continuously. I didn’t falter as much as I was led to believe. Yeah, sure, I had a few hiccups, but I lead my team to win the Eastern title. Now, I’m going for the Super Bowl title. I’ve never been in one and now I have my chance. I’ve worked too hard to not win one with this team. I want to be the best quarterback in the game, and I need to be exceptional with her brother as the number one player who has trained all his life by the best coach there is in the game. Her brothers hate me for what I’ve done to her, I remember my sister telling me that nobody could talk to her after that day and she wouldn’t leave her room.
I felt even worse about myself and the decision. I hated my father and coach for coercing me into it too.
But one thing I know for sure, as I watch her rev her engine with one last glance at me out of her window, I know that her heart belonged to me, and I will give everything I’ve got to make it mine again.
