Page 169 of Steeling Her
I just need someone to want that with me.
***
Nick
“You definitely didn’t hit eighty squats with it, TJ. You’re talking so much game right now. You’re forgetting that I know you and grew up with you, idiot. You’re all talk and zero action,” I tease him as we drive to the restaurant my sister had booked for tonight. I have no idea what is going on, they’ve been so secretive since I arrived, hiding things and speaking in hushed tones.
I’ve caught them whispering to one another a few times, as if I’m not in the house. I have been scolded many times by Haley for eavesdropping though.
Do you think that scares me?
Not a single bit.
There’re only a handful of women in my life that scare the crap out of me, my mom being one.
“I’m telling you! I swear I did it at that weight. Eighty squats in full,” he swears but I know he’s bullshitting. I grew up with this guy. I know him like the back of my hand.
“Tsk. Whatever. I don’t believe you anyway. Now, can you tell me where the hell we’re going and why the hell we’re going? What’s the big deal? You didn’t get my sister knocked up, did you?” I joke with him. I know my parents would prefer if they got married first, but they’d be happy nonetheless about a new addition to the family. They’re old school and would like a traditional wedding first.
“Nahh.” He shakes his head from side to side, assuring me I won’t be an uncle anytime soon. “Not yet.” He chuckles, and I punch his chest, telling him to shut it. “Ow, man! I’m driving!” He points out the front window of the car, indicating that the car is moving. He has always been an awful driver, so that tiny tap that he squealed at definitely affected him. It’s like driving with a monkey blindfolded.
“Yeah, well, you need to pop the question first. You know what my mom is like.” I turn my eyes heavenward. That’s all I’ve heard about from her.Marriage, marriage, marriage.The relationship that I once had with my parent’s years ago is dead. I’m close with my mom, but it’s still strained because I refuse to go back home. It harbors bad memories for me, and I want to keep away from it—from him.
I haven’t spoken to my dad once since I left the house that day. Not a single word. When my mom would force me to talk to him, I would hang up, or when she would get me to come down home for Thanksgiving, birthdays, or Christmas, I never went. I still hold him responsible for this mess. Him and my old coach.
Yes, I’ve become one of the best quarterbacks the NFL has right now, but this was at the price of my happiness. I haven’t found that person again, that feeling I had with her. I miss it. I’m a different person because of this, a person that I don’t like. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I don’t like the current me. In fact, I hate him. I hate the choice I made. I hate that it’s affected me, even after all these years, and I hate the way my life has unfolded without her. I hold a lot of resentment towards him and the pressure he put me under.
I sometimes regret the result, but then I think about how I actually made it on my own as a professional. It sounds egotistical, and I beat myself up about it. I worked hard because I knew I had the ambition and talent, I was born to do this.
I stress over it and know that she’s already in a relationship. But I can’t help but think, what we could have been like.Would we still be together if I chose her?
That thought plays on my mind.
The what if.
It was a losing battle no matter which way I looked at it.
And then there’s Ted.
What is he like with her? Is he kind to her the way I would have been, the way I was? Does he treat her like the queen she is? Does he take her out on cute dates and make her laugh? Do they share a house together or do they stay over at one another’s places to get the comfort from each other? Is she happy with him? Does he care for her? Has he ever made her cry? How did they meet?
These are all questions I torment myself with every day, ones that I want to ask my sister, but I keep them to myself. I don’t need her getting suspicious. I don’t want her knowing that I’m still in love with her best friend. Although, she has generated the topic of her a few times. I know she hasn’t neglected about what had happened, but she tells me she has the feeling that Ted doesn’t like her. So, she’s standoffish with him. I know she’s on my team.
Team Nick.
Not fucking Ted.
“We all know what your mom is like. I’m pretty sure she has the names of our kids picked out already.” TJ chuckles as he twists the wheel of the car into a car park of an unknown but fancy restaurant. Fresh paint coating the concrete directs us to a free space down the back.
“Dude, are you serious? You actually want kids with her?” I wonder why the fuck he’s already thought about it. He’s still young; they both are. They have all the time in the world to be considering that. They’re not even hitched, and yet they have their family prearranged.
When he shrugs, I just stare, astounded by him and wondering where the hell is his mind at? “Sure, I’d love kids with her. I love her. I can’t wait for the future.” He smiles in the distance, no doubt enacting the image of their future kids running around in their house, wherever they decide to live. This job requires a lot of moving around cities. So, you can never get too comfortable. “I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel like she’s my home. Wherever she is, I feel like I belong right there. It’s weird . . . but she’s the one, Nick.” The left side of his lip lifts up as he thinks about my sister. This guy is at subterranean level with her and I know there’s no chance in contending him about it. “I just know it,” he assures me, and I believe him.
Their relationship has always triggered an awful shade of jealousy from me. I have always been incredibly covetous of it. Sometimes, I refused to meet up with them for fear of blurting it out. I felt envious at the sight of them, so I pulled away and backed off. I didn’t want to be bitter about their relationship, I wanted to be happy for the both of them.
It took some time for me to come around to their relationship, but I got there in the end. It doesn’t mean it’s still not testing to see, because I was once that happy. I once had a girl that I was enamoured with, and I lost her.
I let her walk away when I shouldn’t have. I should have fought for her—for us. But the decision was bigger than me, and I didn’t know what to do. Now I realize, it was the wrong one. I could have had both, and it haunts me to this very day.
