Page 66 of The Hate We Breathe
Staring at the dusty old redbrick building, I sigh. For once, I don’t lie. I don’t say I’m fine when I’m not. I don’t pretend like everything is under control. Lies are exhausting and sometimes, no matter how many times you say them, they never get easier. So, this time, when I answer him, I give him the truth.
“I’m so fucking tired of being here,” I admit, eyes still locked on the school building and the smudged glass double doors. “I’mover Silverwood. I just want to be somewhere else. Somewhere where nobody fucking knows who I am, or if they do, they don’t fucking care.”
Lex is quiet for a long moment. The sound of his seat belt releasing is loud in the interior of the vehicle. A moment later, there’s another click and mine loosens as well. I close my eyes as I feel him lift me up. It’s awkward as hell and though a part of me just wants to rip myself out of his arms and get out of the car, I don’t. I let Lex urge me across the console until I’m seated atop him with my legs set alongside his. It’s uncomfortably tight, but I don’t complain.
“Look at me.” Lex cups my cheek and stares into my eyes. I almost expected to be looking down at him, but it’s really not much of a difference in height now that I’m propped up by his thighs. “It’s almost over,” he says. “All we have to do is get through graduation and then we’re gone.”
“That’s months away,” I remind him. Months of being a bug caught under the townspeople’s microscope. I don’t know if I can stand it for that much longer.
“It’ll be gone in the blink of an eye,” Lex assures me. “Hey—” He brings my face back to his when I turn away and start reaching for the door handle. “Don’t.” The word is a warning. One I don’t appreciate.
“Don’ttell me what to do,” I snap.
Lex grabs hold of the back of my neck, holding me sharply when I dive for the door anyway. I struggle in his hold and he slips his hand around to the front of my neck. Fingers press down on either side of my throat, not cutting off my air, but still my head goes a bit fuzzy. Almost like it used to when I was a kid and hung over the side of my bed for too long. Blood flow, my deprived mind realizes a moment before he eases his grip, and the haze clears.
“It’s all right,” he murmurs. “You’re all right, baby.” Lex presses a light kiss to the corner of my mouth, then another in the center. “Look at me. Come on, there’s my girl. Right there. Keep your eyes on me. Take a breath.”
Unable to do anything else, I breathe. I suck in a lungful of air and then release it. He keeps his hand resting over the front of my throat as he praises me. “Good girl,” he says. “Do another for me, yeah?”
I do, but not because he encourages me to. I suck in a breath because I feel like my head might split open if I don’t. My skin feels alive with something violent. Every touch, every brush, scrapes across my nerve endings with a sizzling connection. Even the air fucking hurts. I’m overstimulated, overwhelmed, and I can’t calm down.
There’s only one thing I can seem to focus on in the hurricane of other sensations, and that’s Lex.
Storm cloud eyes are locked on me. His fingers are scorching hot against my skin. He doesn’t shift. Doesn’t move. Doesn’t blink. We stay just like that—gazes trapped in an unending spiral as I lose control of myself.
“What are you worried about?” he asks and a moment later, when I part my lips, he stops me with a hard look. “The truth,” he orders. “Don’t fucking sugarcoat it.”
I glare at him. If he wants the truth—fine. “Detective Lann still thinks I’m a suspect,” I say. “The rest of the town does too.”
He nods, but his expression doesn’t change. “What else?”
“Abel’s been running interference, but all that does is make me look guiltier,” I continue. “And Darrio?—”
“Don’t worry about Darrio,” he interrupts, a growl to his voice. “We’ll deal with him. He won’t ever fucking touch you again.”
I reach up, wrapping my fingers around one of his wrists, though I don’t try to pry him off. “I know you will,” I say.“But it’s still exhausting. Just Morpheus’ murder is one thing, but then there’s the detective, and Darrio, and…” I bite my lip. Is it ridiculous to be so nervous about college acceptances considering everything else going on in my life? Yes, probably. But that’s what I’m looking forward to, that’s what we need—a way out.
Silverwood is always watching. It’s always scheming, planning, judging. Nothing I do will ever earn me absolution. I thought I stopped expecting it, but, apparently, that was another lie I told myself in order to sleep at night.
“It’s going to work out, baby,” Lex whispers. My eyes flick down to his mouth, watching them move again, but his words are a second delayed. “I know it’s a lot and you’re used to bearing the brunt of it all on your own, used to being independent, but you don’t have to be anymore. You’re with me, baby. You’re withus.You’re not alone.”
Not alone.God, evenIdidn’t realize how badly I needed to hear that. I’ve been so fucking alone for so long. Before the embezzlement. Before Bran and Avery’s deception and betrayal. Before Morpheus ruined my careful facade of happiness.
I’ve been alone foryears. Each one passing by as I sank deeper and deeper into the role that I’d been cast as. The dutiful daughter. The rich girl. The popular elite princess. Every one fits me like a poor costume. Itchy. Too tight. Never good enough.
Now that I actuallylikemyself? Apparently, even that, too, comes with issues.
“Why are we born if we’re just going to be miserable for our entire lives, Lex?” The question comes out far more watery than I want it to. My voice cracks at the end, but I don’t withdraw it. I let it seep into the air between us, coating the emotions we’re inhaling in something I can’t quite name.
“Oh, baby…” Lex’s eyes soften. His lids come down and his fingers ease their grip further, but they don’t pull away. Thank God. I need his touch.
Leaning forward, Lex’s breath mingles with my own as he strokes his mouth back and forth across mine. He’s like fire to my ice. My skin is so cold and everywhere he touches is set aflame. Those gray eyes of his remain open and focused on nothing else but me. As if he’s the only one in this entire world that knows me deep in my core.
It’s not true. Gio and Nolan both have cracked open that door to my heart. They’ve seen who I am deep down and they haven’t run. Will they in the future?
I’m not the good girl. I’m not the dutiful daughter. The loyal best friend. I’m worse.
I’m angry.
