Page 20 of Sinister Hearts
Out of his control? Her words stung. “He abandoned me. He chose that!” I became more angry by the second.
“You don’t understand, mija.” Ma shook her head.
I wasn’t having it. I did understand, I understood all too well. It was the pain that ached at me, and still does. I understood all of it because I had to live with it every day. It was the reason I ran from this place and seeked comfort in another too soon, and it was the gravest mistake I ever made.
I left the kitchen and went to my room like a damn defeated child. The truth was, I was upset that Ma and Jax had formed this relationship behind my back. I was even more upset at the fact that she didn’t tell me Diana had passed. Three years ago? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Was I that self-centered and so caught up in my life that people couldn’t bother me with this type of information? Diana and Bjorn had become a second family to me. They were there for me through everything. I couldn’t help but feel a certain dread come over me, remembering Jax at the bar—“Tell Ma I said hi.” I didn’t even ask about his parents. I felt my heart crack violently above my rib cage. We made the birria, and an extra batch for the Grimwood’s. I hadn’t even thought about the day I decided to stop waiting for Jax, and decided to move on with my life. I tried to bury it, a skeleton ruthlessly living in my closet, its pure existence torturing me, like my horrid dreams, haunting me, distressing me, waiting in the deepest darkest parts of me to remind me of my pain that held me captive.
Six years ago-
“Are you sure you want to do this, mija?” Ma tossed her flautas in the cast iron pan, her flowy dress and apron twirling as she made sudden movements.
“Yes, he loves me. He wants to take care of me.” I sat at our weathered table, taking a sip of my champurrado. The Mexican hot chocolate warmed my taste buds.
“But do you love him?” Ma asked as she set the last batch of flautas in her glass vintage casserole dish.
The question stumped me, the agonizing question wrapped its tentacles around me. I tried love and it broke me.“He makes me happy,” I replied, murmuring underneath my mug.
“Happiness comes and goes, mija, but love is what matters. Not everything that shines is gold, entiendes (understand)?” Ma contested, as she set out the vintage Mexican clay plates for us to eat.
“This wouldn’t have anything to do with you running away, would it?” Ma asked, curiously as she served me crispy flautas and Mexican rice.
My stomach groaned, famished, my taste buds salivating. “Running from what exactly?” I replied hastily, sticking my fork into my food, slicing the flautas in half, an exact replica of how I felt.In fucking half. Broken.
“A certain cowboy?” Ma waited for a solid response as she sipped her cafecito.
My emotions were split in half. Half of me wanted to stay, and the other half wanted to say ‘fuck it’ and leave everythingbehind. A true chance at a new beginning—a fresh start, a new life. It sounded so refreshing and exactly what I needed. Away from this town, from anything that reminded me of Jaxon. It had been six months and still no word from him. The pain was capsular and engraved into my calloused heart, marking his absence in my life more permanent every day.
I stabbed my food, placing the cold metal between my mouth, chewing away at my bitterness and heartache.
“Perhaps you aren’t the only one running, mi amor.” With that, Ma grabbed her finished plate and rinsed her dish in the sink. I sat there in silence, as if she didn’t just drop a truth bomb on me.
I immediately lost my appetite, picking at my rice. I waited. I waited for him and he never came. He never fought. He left me when I needed him. Weak men had broken me so often, I had no other choice but to be strong. But Vadon, he was there at my weakest points, he was there offering me everything my inner child desired. A home, a family. Something I never had. I knew nothing in the world came close to that. I just wanted to be happy. I didn’t want to suffer anymore, I just wanted someone to love me unconditionally, was that so bad?
I faced Ma in the kitchen grabbing the packed plastic container in the fridge packed with birria. “I’ll drop it off. I’m sure they would want it fresh.” I knew I owed Jax an apology, and my condolences. Ma nodded her head at me, and gave me a reassuring smile.
“I’ll get the niña to bed, don’t worry.” Ma rushed me out of the house.
Oddly enough, the last time I found myself on this winding dirt road leading up to the Grimwood’s farm was so long ago. It truly felt like a lifetime ago, a different parallel. The last time I was here was after I had received Jaxon’s letter from Norway. A letter that put me in a position to make a haste decision—the wrong one, that led me exactly to where I am now. The roads were leading me down a path to memory lane. A tsunami of a memory I got swept in.
Six years ago-
I received a letter from Jax a week ago. I had already made my decision and told Vadon I’d be willing to move with him to Cravyn City. A fresh start, a new life. It all felt so right. Staying in Grimstone became a shadow of Jaxon. Every corner, every place reminding me of him, reminding me of the pain I tried so hard to forget. He was a week too late to try and win me back, a week of moving preparations, a week of building a new life. A fucking week that changed everything.
The letter somehow found its way to my front porch. Vadon was away at work, and I was still busy unpacking and making myself feel at home and adjusted, that is for sure. There was a knock, but nobody was there. Cars drove by as I looked around, and a huge black bird cawed, gliding its wings and landing at my feet with a scroll.
“What is this?” I picked the scroll up as the bird flew away. “What the fuck?” Surely someone dropped this old looking letter off, and the bird may have been trying to take it. I was puzzled.
I closed the door and sat on the couch, drinking the tea Ma pre-packaged me for months. I sipped the tea as I opened the scroll and spat out my tea all over the coffee table. My hands began to tremble, I read the scroll over and over again.
Don’t marry him.
- Jax
Three fucking words. Is he serious? This Pendejo! This isn’t real... I glared at it, not believing my eyes, thinking somehow this was a sick joke. How did he find me?
I folded the scroll and placed it on the table. No. No, this can’t be happening. He waited six months? It’s too late! My betrayal overrode my emotions. “It’s too late!” I shouted at absolutely no one. Placing my tea down, I picked the scroll up, ripping it to pieces and throwing it in the trash bin. “It’s too late,” I whispered, covering my mouth with my shaky hands as tears swarmed my face.
What did he expect from me? To act like the last six months didn’t happen? This selfish fucking asshole! How dare he? How dare he come and try to ruin my happiness. No, I deserved this! I deserved peace! I refused to let this damn cowboy ruin my life anymore. I was done. I was ready to move on with my life, to at least try. I owed myself at least that. He owed me that! To just stay away. He was doing so well at it. Well, he could keep it up for all I cared.
