Page 46 of Sinister Hearts
I hoped giving Jax and I some space would ease the tension between us, but I had ignored him now for five days straight, which is something I’d only done once. And I hated ignoring him, but I needed time to think. I was half way through my shift and hoped he’d make an appearance at least once this week, but nope. He was evidently really mad at me and I couldn’t help but think maybe I deserved it? I could see how badly it hurt him when I left, after he told me to stay. I needed truth if he wanted trust. I couldn’t find the words to tell him I really wantedto know everything, because I was keeping the truth from him, too. Weird shit was happening and I had no way to explain this to him, not without sounding like one of the older townspeople who talked about the urban legends all damn day over briskets and tea at the Stone Plaza.
We had been back together for months and he still hadn’t told me he loved me. Even though I knew he did. Even though I felt it every time he kissed me. Held me. Made love to me. So why couldn’t he say it? Was he having second thoughts? Did he think this was a mistake? Was this a mistake? Maybe it was. Maybe we were fools to try this again. We weren’t kids anymore and life was so much more different than it had been back then. Things were easier then. It was so much more simple. It seemed like no matter how hard we tried, we could never get it right. I watched the Minx girls dance on the bar and decided instead of sulking in my misery, I’d get my body moving and my mind off Jax. Plus, I could use the tips. I had left over legal fees after the divorce was finally finalized.At least I had one thing going right for me. Though this was not how I imagined celebrating. I imagined Jax and I together with Birdie in perfect harmony, not in complete shambles. This all felt too similar, the way it did the very first time Jax and I broke up, not speaking to each other for years. The memory was unsettling and triggering.
Six years ago-
“Hey, sucia!” Penny knocked on my door as I lay there, wanting nothing more than to forget the world. I could feel Penny sitting on my mattress as the springs indented. “Listen, you don’t have to tell me anything, Tia Stefani called me and said you could use some company. So… I brought you some of your favorite snacks—chili lime potato chips with spicy pickles, and our favorite movie,Jawbreakers.” I could hear the empathyin her tone. I couldn’t remember the last time we had a girls’ day, just lounging around and stuffing our faces with our feelings and an insane amount of caffeine. “What do you say, chica?” She nudged me. I turned around slowly, wrapped up in my blanket, entertained by the idea. Penny stood there, holding up the snacks and movie like a poster, with the fakest cheery smile ever.
“We’re missing a member,” I said, getting up with the blanket wrapped around me like a burrito and putting the movie in the DVD player.
Penny sighed, “I know, I tried calling Rocky but she said she couldn’t tonight, something about studying for her final exams on Monday.” Penny puffed up my pillows and laid in my bed in her silky red pajamas.
“Fair enough, I guess embalming the dead does sound fun, doesn’t it?” I replied, somber, both of us chuckling. Penny placed her hand over her mouth, laughing hysterically, not with me, but at me.
“Oh, what is so funny, you hoe-bag.” I threw one of my Ghost Face Squishmellows at her perfectly put-together face.
“It’s just you look like E.T. right now and I couldn’t help but notice the resemblance.” A chuckle left my lips—she was right, I was a hot mess! I looked at myself in my white chipped vanity. My hair was disheveled and my dark circles prominent. I looked like death. The credits began to play on the intro of the movie as we began pigging out. Penny had always been weird about food growing up, and even now. Mostly because the poor thing had a food allergy to mostly everything! Pickles luckily were one of the many things we always snacked on together… and steak. It’s all I ever saw her eat, honestly. But that’s how she grew up. Tio Armond was always cooking the best rare steaks. I swear sometimes you’d think they were alive. They liked their meat raw, and who was I to judge? Especiallybecause it was one of the main things she could eat without becoming ill.
“Did you hear about the party the Grimwood’s are having tonight?” Penny asked me, as she stuffed her face with spicy pickles. My stomach immediately dropped and the chip I was holding fell onto my plate.
Penny noticed the shift in my energy. “Wait, did you and Jax break up? Is that what this is all about?” Penny’s voice sounded infuriated. She always hated the Grimwood’s—despised them actually. The whole family rival thing didn’t help either.
“This asshole is having a party while I’m here? Sulking in my misery?” I hissed, displeased with myself. “Look at me, I’m a freaking mess and this stupid cowboy is throwing a party? Oh, I could—” I paused in anger.
“Welp, I guess that answers my question,” Penny said.What an actual puto. Penny shook her head, her black hair swaying with her movements. “So… movie, or revenge?” Penny looked at me with her menacing green eyes, raising an eyebrow at me in all her villainous ways.
“Now you’re talking, prima!” I exclaimed, throwing my blanket off and hopping in the shower.
“Fuck yes, now this is what I’m talking about. Time to show these Grimwood’s who they’re fucking with!” Penny beamed with excitement. Maybe too much excitement. “Okay, sucia, but when we get back we are finishing Jawbreakers!” Penny exclaimed, grabbing her coat.
We drove up to the Grimwood’s farm in Penny’s black 69’ Lincoln continental, her red velvet seats sticking to the back of my thighs. I was sweating with anxiety. My thoughts raced and took me by storm. I didn’t know what we were about to walk into, but nothing could possibly hurt me any deeper than what I had already lost.
“Whatever happens, prima, I got your back.” Penny winked at me from behind her metal chain wheel. She was always so extravagant, but in the most old-school mafia way—she just had that feel to her. She was rocking her black leather one-piece suit, with her hair in a ponytail, tied by a red bow. We couldn’t be any more different, but there was one thing for certain, I knew no matter our differences, Penny always had my back without question. She turned up the volume in her sub-packed speakers that her dad gifted her for her sweet sixteen. It’s what she asked for instead of a quinceñera. Penny may have been the youngest of us three, but she was always the most level-headed, the smartest, and the most secure I’d ever seen anyone in their own skin. Penny distracted me from my thoughts as she lowered the music pumping through her system. “Looks like we just missed the party. Shame,” she said, turning off her vehicle and headlights.
“A party was had here, that’s for sure,” I said in complete disgust. The farm was trashed, and of course it led right up to the barn. I followed the trail of beer cans and trash.
“I’ll be here on standby. I’m sure you both need your privacy to talk.” Penny could see my chest rising as fumes of anger coiled up into my gut. I nodded in agreement as my black boots crushed into the dirt.
I could hear the tremble of low bass from inside the barn, echoing against the chipped painted walls. I didn’t notice either Creed or Ryker’s bikes. Bjorn’s truck was even gone. But there sat Jax’s lifted truck, meaning the fucker was here, and I hadsome words for him. Who did he think he was ignoring me, especially now! The anger was building in my fingertips like roots, making my palms sweat. I shook my hands, the tingling warm sensations plaguing me.Fucking anxiety!I took out the sonogram picture of our little bean, trying to steady my breath. Maybe Jax seeing what we created would wake him the hell up. I needed him to speak to me. I needed him in this moment of pain.
I walked into the barn, the desert sand crunching with every step my boot imprinted on the earth. I opened the door expecting to see Jax, yet there was no one. Instead, a bunch of ultra light beer bottles lay on the ground of the floor, covered with hay and lord knows what else. It stunk in here, like teenage hormones, canned beer, and horse shit. I gagged and picked up some of the cans, throwing them into a wagon barrel. What the fuck, this is just fantastic.Pinche borrachos!Where the hell was he? I kicked more bottles out of the way as I searched the barn stalls, and there lay a neon green thong that caught my eye.
Heat flashed upon my skin like a menacing flame, my heart immediately in my stomach. No, he didn’t, he… he wouldn’t.My breathing became rapid as my throat constricted, trying to hold back my tears. My nose burned as I blinked away the pain wanting to escape my lungs. Taking out the pocket knife Jaxon engraved for me, I grabbed the skanky pair of underwear and paced to his truck in a fury, knowing damn well this shit-face never locked it, because the Grimwood’s always seem to think they are so fucking invincible. Well, not today!
I stabbed the neon underwear into his leather seats, taking the sonogram out of my jeans pocket as tears began to fall on a picture of our bean.Fuck him, and fuck this!I screamed in a broken fury, my fingertips buzzing again with a burning sensation. You will pay for this! I picked up rocks and threwthem at the barn, the horses in the arena watching me become feral.
“Don’t you dare even look at me like that!” The horses huffed and pranced around in anxiousness, their ears perking up in curiosity.
It was then I heard a noise, something like rummaging around with cans. What the fuck? I followed the noise to the back of the barn, and there he was in all his glory, still holding a bottle of whiskey, his shirt half unbuttoned. A cynical chuckle escaped my throat. “I can only guess who did that?” I pointed to his unbuttoned shirt as he struggled to focus on me, with his drunken bedhead full of hay and dirt. “Miss Neon Green Panties?” Jax looked at me in half a daze. The motherfucker didn’t even know where he was, hence why he fell asleep behind the barn like a damn idiot! Bending down to his level, I could smell the liquor seeping from his pores, and I wanted to gag. “I truly hope it was worth it, Jax,” I fumed, not recognizing the cowboy before me.
I looked back at the barn, broken. I despised the sight of it. Our first time together was in this stupid barn. The first time he said he loved me was in this stupid barn, and now it was tainted, ruined! I thought losing Bean was enough, but losing Jax, too? It gnawed at my very bones. I couldn’t even articulate in my head, or in my heart how everything had fallen apart so quickly, I didn’t have time to grasp my reality.
I cursed the gods and the sky. “Fuck you, Grimwood!” I yelled, cursing at him as little embers struck, sparking at the foundation of the barn as it began smoking. What the hell? I watched in a menacing gaze as the barn slowly caught ablaze, my eyes mesmerized by the ignited fire growing like a wild monster. The flames reflected in my dark brown eyes, my surroundings becoming a blur, a strong ringing in my ears pierced my ear drums, as the world began to fade out.
I was shoved suddenly, as Jaxon ran past me. “What the hell happened?” he yelled, the fire sobering him up instantly as he shook me, still numb, still broken. “Faye!” Jaxon shook me out of my daze. He ran to the water hose, quickly spraying the flames as they began fusing out. My vision began centering as my surroundings focused, the air was thick and smokey. Realizing what was happening and struck by the sight before me, I ran to Penny’s car, the ignition roaring to life. Penny peeled away from the Grimwood’s farm as we watched the black thick smoke cover the barn in her rearview mirror, my hands shook and my palms were sweaty. Holy shit, what just happened.Did I do that?Beads of sweat dripped from my forehead. Everything was over. We were over.
“Okay, what the fuck was that, Faye?” Penny beseeched, speeding down the dirt road.
“I don’t know,” I admitted, underneath my hollow breath. My hands were still shaking from the adrenaline.
